Wednesday, November 24, 2010

November in Utah :)

This move happened so quickly. It's hard to think about the major change that my life has had. A year a go I was married, unhappy, in love, sad, trapped.. and now- I am happy, loved, excited, spiritual and most importantly free. Free from where I lived, free from the drama that was associated with half the people I was friends with, free from satans control over my life. I love where my life is now- so much. 



So my move. The plane ride was scary. I don't know why I was so afraid to fly. I said goodbye to Mom and Bianca, and walked up the terminal. When I got there- there was a problem with the tire on the plane. So they were bringing in a new tire from another airport- in Atlanta. So my flight was rescheduled and I flew on United instead of Delta. I flew from Huntsville to Denver, then to Salt Lake City. It was a short flight, but when I saw the mountains it hit me- that I was really doing this! I got to the airport and my super awesome roommate picked me up. We went and ate at this really awesome place in Salt Lake City and then met up with one of her brothers and toured Temple Square. Seeing the Salt Lake Temple was so amazing. It was so crazy, we saw 6 brides there. So many people getting married! That will be me one day, I hope. 




Then to the apartment. It is so much bigger here than I was expecting! I love it! I lucked out though. I ended up getting amazing roommates! Nagisa- she is from Japan. I am learning so much about their culture from her! and Rachel- she is from Colorado. She served a mission in Latvia which is in the Baltic States in eastern Europe. Slowly she is teaching me Latvian, and I love it! The only two things I know so far is, Vai ne and juu es piekritu which means right and I agree. :) She is such an amazing person, and I am so blessed to have roommates like I do. The night I got in, we went over Robs apartment, to get my stuff from him. It was so good to see him! I have missed him like crazy!
 


Since I have gotten here so much has happened though! On Sunday, we went to church and met everyone in the singles ward. Then after church we went to the Provo Temple. Every missionary from the MTC was there, it was so crazy! I loved it though. It started snowing when we were there which was pretty amazing. That night we went to Ward Prayer which is interesting. Just about everyone in the ward lives in our apartments. 

I started putting in resumes and applications for jobs on Monday, and out of the 15 apps I put in I got 5 calls back. Which isn't too shabby. I was actually hired at 3 places, so I had a choice as to where I was going to work. I took a job with Wholesalematch.com. I love it there! The job is Monday - Friday 9-5. I am so lucky to have found something so quickly and a job I actually like!  I registered for school, and I will be taking a few night classes. I may actually only take one, but Im not sure. I need that bus pass! LOL! The buses are interesting though, and I have mastered them! The 831 picks up in front of my apartment. I can go towards Provo on it or towards UVU. I take the 831 to UVU where I get on the 811 which takes me to the Mt. Timpanoga transit station- where I wait for the 850. The 850 takes me to Provo- but I get off on State St. for work. I pretty much have this down. I probably just confused anyone who reads my blog. And the really cool thing is that my work is a block away from Robs, so I can go hang out with him when I get off work if he is not busy, and I can kick his trash at Halo and Black Ops HA! 

So basically life here is good. The weather is awesome ( I love the cold! ) and the people are amazing. I have a good job, good friends, good ward (But nothing compares to Cullman!) and a great life. I miss everyone so much, but every day I realize why I moved here, and I realize how happy I am here. I am thankful for all of my many many blessings. Our heavenly Father's plan is so amazing, and perfect. He knew what he was doing when he sent me here. Now there is only one thing that could make my life better- to be called as a Missionary. Maybe one day. I am still praying about it.. and I have faith that no matter what happens that the lord will guide me and I will be happy.

Oh and one last thing. The pics that Anthony took are in! :)


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

A broken heart heals so slowly.

I have come to realize what all I have lost. Not my old friends, not my old life, but someone I love so much and I have realized how bad it hurts to not have him. Once upon a time we were so happy, I just wish it would have lasted longer. I miss him so much I can't hardly stand it. I know that we are over, but I just wish I could shake the feelings I have completely. I tried to suppress them for so long, and I cant pretend like I don't care anymore. I wish he could know what I know now, so we could at least try again. I didn't give enough effort, I ran too quickly at the first sign of smoke when I should have waited it out and tried to make things work. I feel like a helpless cause. I thought I got married for the wrong reasons, but I think we got married for the right reasons, just at the wrong time. I don't know what to do other than pray. That is really all I can do. I look around at all the people I know, who are truly happy, and I think about being there one time. Looking into my husbands eyes and seeing myself. Knowing that my children were going to look just like him. I can't say I never loved him, because if I didn't I wouldn't be hurting this badly now. I have been so upset, and I feel like I just can't stop crying. I think it's because maybe deep down I thought that one day we could try again. That divorce didn't mean the end of US. And now that I am moving away, it's like I know that we are over for good. The odds of him coming to Utah for me are very slim.. almost non existent. I just wish sometimes that I would have tried harder, not griped as much and just loved him more. I would give just about anything to go back to one day of happiness with him. I remember, one night I had a really bad dream that he died. I woke up crying, and I looked over and he was still there.. next to me and sound asleep. I woke him up, I told him what I had dreamed about, and he hugged me and told me that he loved me so much, I begged him, please never leave me and he said, "Jenna, I would never leave you...ever." I never thought at that moment in time that I would ever be where I am now. I love him so much, and I can't help but feel like my chest is crushed. A note to self, never regret something that made you happy- ever. Hold on to who you love for dear life because you could blink and them be gone forever. He said we are two different people, and he is just trying to move on with his life, but I can't accept the fact that he is so easily able to move on and I am falling apart- and dying of a broken heart.  I hope one day that I can feel for one second what I did for him- and be in that moment of happiness. If I could just get that chance one more time, I promise I will never let go of it.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Rambling.

I started packing. Maybe a week too soon, but I have one suitcase done. Delta told me that I have a 50lb weight limit for the flight, and I think one of my suitcases already go over that lol. Mom said that she will ship some stuff to me, or possibly take some things with her when she comes for a visit. It is so hard taking everything I own and stuffing them in two suitcases. Anyway, so that is what I have been doing all day- washing clothes and packing.

Yesterday was such a sad day for me. I was released as a Ward Missionary. It kinda made reality set in a bit. And tomorrow is my last Relief Society shindig here in Cullman. Sometimes I feel like the time before my move is dragging on and other times I feel as though it is flying past me. I just keep in mind that the holy ghost is with me, and my heavenly father knows what he is doing. His plan for me is so perfect and divine. I worry, but I am trying so hard not to. I am so excited to get out to Utah and see my friends though! It is going to be SO exciting! Sometimes I feel like this is all I have to blog about but hopefully soon I will stop talking about it.

On to other things. Okay, really, I am so tired I have nothing else to talk about. Lame I know. I should go to bed.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

One amazing temple trip and one evil cat.

I have often said, well the past few days, that this kitten is super sweet. He is, until he wants something. UGH! Cat scratches were in my past, or so I thought. But hopefully he will have a new home tomorrow. :) And right after I type that, he lays in my arms, grabs my finger and snuggles with it. AW!



I was able to go to the Birmingham Temple tonight. Once again, it was a wonderful experience. I learned things that were amazing, and the spirit was really strong. Just listening to the confirmations was amazing! I really enjoy going to the temple and I am going to try and go weekly when I am in Utah. I should make a wheel with the temples on it and spin it weekly to decide what one I am going to. LOL!



Anyway, that is about all I can type tonight. This kitten is ready for bed, and will NOT leave me alone until I go. Goodnight.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

News, News, News!

I will openly admit that there are WAY too many people living under one roof. My step sister started WWIII again, and you know, I would think that I am used to it, but sadly I can't get familiar with the fact that everyone fights all the time. She dangles her son over everyone, when she is LESS than a fit parent. Technically she is homeless, because she gets kicked out of everywhere she lives for acting like a brat. But anyway, so after the huge fight happened I decided that I needed to move up my flight to Utah. I paid $178 bucks and moved my flight up to November 13th. So now I am preparing my move much quicker than anticipated. The fight was not the ONLY reason I moved it up though. Dragging it out was killing my mom and I was wasting my money on gas going from county to county for Cullman activities. The money that was to get me through when I get to Utah until I get a job was dwindling away quickly.


So the luggage is bought, and all I have to do now is pay my pack my stuff and pay my luggage fees. Yes I know, Southwest-bags fly free. Well I didn't know that until AFTER I bought the ticket. Oh well. It's over and done with and there is nothing I can do to change it. lol


And then this kitten situation. Someone dropped off a super cute kitten at the house, we can't keep him, and he needs a new home- and fast! Hm. Craigstlist, anyone?


...And last but not least, my step sister Kristen is preggers!!!! We are all so excited. She and her husband Scott are so happy! I think he is more ecstatic than she is lol. While she is excited about buying baby clothes, he is pumped about the shoes. He is gonna be the dad in the delivery room that shakes while cutting the cord, and then passes out. I am gonna try to fly home to be here when she has the baby. I can't wait! And the good thing about it, is that the family won't have to fight to be around the baby, more specifically my Mom. This is such a blessing to have another family member on the way. Now if Bianca will just get pregnant, this picture would look somewhat complete.

Friday, October 22, 2010

I have waited my whole life..

I tend to stay by myself a lot- which leads me to deep thought. I ponder the future, and what it might hold. I become spiritually inclined to study and learn about things to come and things of the past in scripture. I love these little moments that I get, to feel the spirit in abundance. I was watching a video about temples, and the song that was playing in the background was, I Stand in Holy Places. It makes me so happy that I can go to the temple, even just for a small amount of time and be in the house of the lord. It makes me anxious for the events of the future, and so grateful that I am worthy enough to enter such a wonderful place. Once I move to Utah, where a Temple will be so close, I want to try to go weekly. The first time I went, the only time I have went thus far, I was so moved. I rode with a lady from church that has became like family to me, and when we were about to pull in she said, "There's Moroni." I had tears of joy and a happiness that could only come from such an experience. I learned so much while I was there, and I know that I will continue to learn as I frequently attend. Since I joined the church, little things that I didn't understand have became clearer to me, and one thing in particular stood out. A hymn called If You Could Hie to Kolob. Just something about it really touched me, I had a feeling come over me that I had never felt before, and it was almost like a perfectly still voice saying, all is well. I didn't understand the song completely, actually the words kind of confused me, but as I have studied and learned, I have dove into deep doctrine and the song started making more sense. There are still things I need to learn, but I am so excited to be engulfed in the words and teachings of the lord. I am so thankful for the two amazing guys that helped guide me in the right direction- and I guess that is what got me interested in missionary work. To have the opportunity to be a tool in the hands of the lord is amazing. I feel like I have waited my whole life for a truth like I know now. I want to stand at the roof tops and speak to the world about this amazing thing that I have no words for. I am so happy to be in the church, and to gain the friendships I have- to meet the people I have met and to find a family that I feel like I have known my entire life. I love this so much. I love the lord and all his amazing teachings. I am so thankful for the prophet Joseph Smith and the keys he held in the restoration of this amazing Church. I don't know how else to word it- I guess what speaks for me are my tears of joy. My testimony grows stronger and stronger every day, and I know that this is where I am meant to be.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Testing.. Testing..

So I assume this is working correctly lol this is merely a test to see if this app works on blogger :)

Edit: It does. HAHAHAHA

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

My blessings are in abundance

I was afraid of the move to Orem. I was afraid that I was going to have a hard time making friends. So I added my future roommates on facebook- none of which were LDS. One roommate is from Japan, Nagisa, the other is from California, Michelle. Michelle was interested in the church, so I started teaching her while we waited on the missionaries to contact her. I was thinking, well this is going to be fun, at least I will have someone to go to church with. Then I find out she is moving away. Sadness. So she starts interviewing people to buy her contract for the room, and someone decides to take it and she is a RM!! I was so excited! I am happy to know that I will still have someone to study with, and go to church with. I am sure I will learn so much from her! I got to talk to her tonight, and I feel so relieved! 11 weeks is going to drag on because I am excited to leave, but I have gained a group of friends there that I didn't think I would have so quickly. It is amazing how the lord works. His plan is so perfect, and he has made it so easy for me as far as the move goes, thus far! I just can't contain my excitement! This move is going to be amazing, and I know that I am going to learn so much. I will grow spiritually, faithfully, and mentally. I am so blessed!

It seems that I am never satisfied.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I change my mind.. a lot. If given a choice it can take hours to choose. In this case, cell phones. Now this may not be interesting to anyone but myself, but I have went through probably 50 phones since I was 16. I get one, and decide I don't like it. It's kinda like a little obsession. Some people collect shoes, I collect phones- only I don't really collect, I just change a ton. So I got my first iPhone in February 2008. Since then I have had 4. 2 first generations, one 3g and then the iPhone 4. And now, I am changing again. I don't know why I cant be satisfied. I do the same thing with purses, blog backgrounds, pictures, nail polish and music. Just a few things that drive me insane if they stay the same. But this thing with phones is getting costly. Although I am paying nothing this time, most of the time, that is not the case. Anyway, the people who have known me for a while just laugh at me, but I have realized that it is getting on my nerves too. Maybe I'll be happy with my new one. Probably not. HAHA oh well. Random I know, but I feel better now. Future cellphones better watch out, I'm coming for you! buahahahaha

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Missionary Dreams

I have had this on my mind a while and I feel like it is the right thing to do. I wish my one year mark was already here! But even then, I am not sure if I will be allowed to go on a mission, considering my past: being previously married, and although I was not in the church at the time, I still do not know if I will be allowed. I love missionary work. I have so much respect for the Sisters and Elders that give up their social life to serve the lord. It is absolutely amazing. I know it would be hard to be away from family for 18 months and barely talk to them, but I believe that serving a mission is one of life's greatest opportunities.I have often thought about the move to Utah, and what it will bring into my life.. a husband, children, friends.. and I honestly would not mind putting all of that on hold for the lord. His son gave his life for us, this is a small thing compared to that. It could and more than likely will (if given the chance) be the most uplifting experience of my life. Without missionaries, many people, like myself, would not know of this amazing church, the restored gospel, and the personal relationship that I have with my heavenly father. I don't know if it will ever become a reality, so for now I can only pray, study and hold on to my dream.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Maybe a little less attitude and a little more dance!

Today really started out like any other day, until some people decide to be EXTREMELY selfish. So I step in and take care of business. I am pretty stubborn, so I don't back down easily. I just get tired of people treating my Mom like crap, when she is the ONLY one who bends over backwards for other people. Now that it is all settled, I am keeping my distance. I am infuriated- but praying about it. Anywho..





 
Today is Wednesday, therefore, it is Scripture Study time!!!  I got ready and went to the ward for another awesome lesson with the missionaries. After, we all decided to go to Ryan's and eat. Gotta feed the missionaries, poor guys! The are HUNGRY! HAHA. Whatever, those guys eat better than I do! Elder George decided to show off how much he loves okra, and Elder Pendleton showed his appreciation for fried chicken.

Upon leaving Ryan's, I went to game stop to get another Xbox head set, being that my sweet kitten chewed my other one into a million pieces. Who knew kittens could do so much damage?!? And finally after months, I was able to play Halo 3. Now its 2 am, and I should really go to bed. I am so sleepy. I do hope everyone has a wonderful night!


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Babies, Babies and MORE Babies!!!

I had the wonderful opportunity to attend two amazing baby showers!


First, Amber Dube. Baby shower/Welcome to the world, Garth! It was held at Kristen Gaufin's home. We had so much fun! Jepoardy and snacks! Even mini cheesecakes that Mary loves so much! HAHA! Garth seemed to have a fun time too! It was such a great night for socializing with the sisters. It made me realize how much I am going to miss everyone. :(

Next we had Kami Drake's baby shower. I have to admit, for me, shopping for a baby girl is easier than a boy- both equally fun, but it is just easier to choose for a girl. The shower was held at Cindy Drake's home. Refreshments, games and tons of socializing! Kami received so many wonderful things for Sipsey! She is going to be adorable, and I can't wait to meet her!

And of course Lily was there being cute as ever! She is so expressive! I know I have only been in the ward for 6 months, but this child has grown so much! It's amazing to watch a baby grow and learn! She is precious, isn't she?

The shower was absolutely amazing! It is amazing how a baby can bring together so many. She is going to be so loved!!! :) I am glad for the turnout, a first baby is so life changing, and I wish Kami and Amel all the best in the world with their little girl!!
..and finally.. CAYSEN!!! We had my precious nephew Caysen's birthday party the same day as Kami's baby shower. I was busy busy busy!!!! He is turning two! Most of the family was in attendance, and it was held at my parents home.

Candiace was there with her son Tucker, and Tanner.. Notice someone missing? Tanner has not mad his appearance into the world yet! But he will be meeting us all on Friday. I am so excited to meet him!


 I have so many pictures of Caysen, and this is my first with Tucker. I thought it turned out well! All in all, the past few days have been so much fun! It is so exciting to see little ones grow and learn!

Excitement in the air.

So the countdown has begun. In a little over 12 weeks I will be flying out to Salt Lake City to start my new life. I am so excited! I just feel sometimes that I am never going to get there. I feel like my life has hit a stand still, and I know that it is the anxiety of the waiting period. I am so thankful for all of the support that I have had here in Cullman. Recently I have became very close to the members of my ward, and it makes this more more difficult than it was to begin with. I am under a lot of stress right now, and I am keeping a headache. I am going to miss my Mom so much. I really need a cleansing of my thoughts. Deep prayer will work.. I know it will. Man this post is getting scrambled.

On to other things. I am finding cat humor more funny every day. I guess I will look at anything to get my mind off the situation at hand. Normally I can find humor in almost anything, but today I feel depressed, and not wanting to laugh much. I am never like this. I know it is my home life. I don't want to hang out at home because if I do for too long, something gets said to hurt my feelings. I live in constant fear for my emotions. I want to spend as much time with my Mom as I can, because Utah is so far, it is going to be difficult to spend time with her after my move. But when the rest of the family comes home, it is so hard to get a word in edge wise. I'm not working right now, at least until I get my surgery- therefore I have no income. I am using my Utah money to get me through. When I buy something like shampoo, toothpaste, toothbrush ect. I expect to be the only one using it, but sadly, I am not. I went to get a shower earlier and my shampoo was gone. Nothing at all left in the bottle. I was furious. I know its JUST shampoo, but when I am the only one buying it, it makes it hard to accept the fact that other people are using it and wasting my money. It's things like that that I am tired of. I am constantly being run over, because I don't like confrontation. Instead of voicing what is wrong I pray about it, because I feel better, but it does not make the situations stop. The longer I let it slide the more it happens.

Normally I am not going to be down and depressed, but when you constantly feel like the step child, it makes it hard to enjoy home life. I am just ready for a change. I need it so badly.

Firstly..

I am thinking it has been about 5 years since I blogged. I really don't know what to think about all of this!! I am excited to start really.. Because this is such an important time in my life, I want to write about it, in detail. Firstly I want to point out that nothing is EVER what it seems. I should really start from the beginning. 

Growing up was pretty normal. Okay I lied. Growing up, for me was very enduring. I didn't meet my father until I was two. My grandmother was like my second mom, and my mom played the mommy and daddy role. I've never had a good relationship with my father, but that is another story. My sister came along when I was 4 1/2 years old and we didn't have a good relationship either until we became adults and a lot of things happened around the time my sister was born that affected my relationship with her. My grandmother was the main thing though. A year and two days after my sister was born, my grandmother (Mamaw) passed away after a 4 year fight with breast cancer- and I am still not over it. I was a pretty normal teenager, but after I met my high school sweetheart things went down hill. We were together for 3 years, and the entire time, I was cheated on. I admit, I had anger issues, but after everything in my life, I was a sad child. I was never happy and so to counter act the anger and sadness after our break up I resorted to drugs and alcohol. I became the person you wouldn't want your children hanging out with. I WAS the bad influence. I was the kid that made their parents lives a living hell. 

Until one night.. I had enough. I was tired of resorting to drugs for happiness. I knew I was hurting my family. So I broke down and prayed. I fought and cried for an hour until I gave up. I gave up fighting with the lord about the control over my life. I quit drugs that night- which was sometime during 2006. But still I had control, the lord helped me through the rough life I was living. I became normal once again. I worked and hung out with my friends, until the point that I was becoming an alcoholic. Drinking every night, and thinking that if I didn't have alcohol in my system that I couldn't be happy. Once again I started falling into that same familiar black hole. I met my future husband sometime in the Spring of 2007. We started dating in October 2007 and were married May 31st 2008.  Everything was perfect, for about 6 months. Then the fights started happening. We argued about money more than anything. He said I blew money, but he never gave me more than 20 bucks at a time. Not to mention that at the same time my mother was battling the very thing that killed my grandmother.. I was so depressed. I never told people about the financial situation we were in, and how unhappy I was becoming. I started falling out of love with him, and made excuses as to why I was feeling this way. I didn't know what to do.

1 month before our 2 year anniversary, I started to realize that things needed to change, and very quickly at that- and then something happened. I met two amazing guys. Ministers from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Now, if you don't know about these guys, let me just tell you- they are some of the most selfless, hard working awesome people you will ever meet. My first encounter with them was in December of 2009, but I wasn't interested. I had too much control over my life. But in April, it was like, I was ready.. and I had waited my entire life for that moment. To hear about Christ, and to know him and to build a relationship with my father in heaven. I will post my conversion story later, because I there is so much detail. I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would turn my entire way of life around because of my faith in Jesus Christ. I became so happy that I realized how miserable I had been. My husband and I decided that a divorce on good terms, which would be better than trying over and over again, to let it all end violently. I made excuses as to why I was not happy at the time, but I knew in the end.. I knew. So now i'm single and loving my life. I am okay with it. I know that there is more out there than this little town in North Alabama. There is a life and a plan that is so much bigger than I am. The eternal aspect has came into play, and it is wonderful! 

I decided to move out of the state. To get away from things here, and leave it all in my past, where it belongs. I am starting my life over. I am so excited to see what else the lord has in store for me. So this is my blog. It will be random at times, and make no sense and other times, it will be so deep, that it will completely destroy your mind. My name is Jenna Gay, and this is my life.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

My Talk I Gave For Sacrament Meeting.

Good morning brothers and sisters. When the bishop asked me to give a talk, I was really quick to say yes. What an opportunity!  As the week has went on and I have studied and researched talks, conferences, and articles, I found that talking on the commandments, and the importance of keeping them came more naturally than I originally thought.  The 10 commandments stand as the foundation to Christian living.  When following the commandments not only can we become an example to others to follow in the same direction, but we become closer to our heavenly father, and that I believe, is the upmost important thing of all. Spiritually we can grow, and ultimately become stronger within our faith.  

The 10 commandments are first spoken about in Exodus chapter 20. And as much as I would love to talk about every one, which any one who knows me, knows that I could go on for hours..  I think my time is somewhat limited, so I will just talk about 3 of the ones in my life that have been a personal struggle, as I am sure some of which have been struggles for many people.  Before I joined the church, I knew of the commandments and what I should do in my life, but that did not stop me from struggling to keep them. In Exodus 20:17 the lord says, “Thou shalt not covet.”  Coveting, or envying something that belongs to another can be very damaging to the soul. When doing this, we may lose appreciation for the things that we do have, by worrying about what everyone else has. There will be people in our lives that will have more than we do. They may have the better car, better house, better job, but these are things that tide us over until the end. They are not permanent, nor will we be able to take them with us when we die. They are physical things of the mortal world. They are a convenience to us while we are here. So even wanting what other people have, to me, seems pointless when it is broken down. Our ultimate goal in life is to live for the lord, and eventually live with him again, but having a porche’ sitting in the driveway does not mean that it is easier for the person to live righteously. When we become jealous over what people have, we lose sight of the good things in our own lives.  It becomes harder to recognize the blessings we receive and in turn we may feel empty.  When envious thoughts ponder in people’s minds, it is sometimes an emotion that can pull one away from their family.  Pull us away from the lord. It can consume our every thought, want or need, and warp and twist us to possibly break other commandments.
My personal struggle with this commandment has hit many times, but I think it was worse right after I got married. I thought that married life was supposed to be exactly like a friend of mines. She had the new house, new husband, new baby, big shiny diamond ring, and a new car. I was so jealous over it, that when my husband bought me a pretty little diamond ring for Christmas, I couldn’t enjoy it. I couldn’t enjoy the gesture, or the thought.  We lived with his parents in their trailer, my car was less than fabulous, his truck had issues, and all in all, every material thing we had was falling apart. I worried about what we didn’t have, and what everyone else had so much, that I lost appreciation for the amazing things I did have. We had a family, a very close family. We had jobs, and food, and shelter, and we were best friends. We had each other. The many blessings I had been given in my life at that time, I threw away because of my jealousy and envy for material things that other people had.  It is easy to become jealous over something someone else has, but hard to suppress thoughts such as that.  It took prayer and a revelation from our heavenly father for me to realize that there is so much more to worry about and to learn how to recognize my many blessings that I have received. I am thankful for the relationship I have with the lord, and the strength to talk to him about the commandments I have broken in the past, and how I can know not to do it again.

The second commandment I want to talk about is in Exodus 20:7 “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain”. For me, this commandment was easy to break in the past. It is easy to blame someone or curse someone who is innocent. I had no real purpose for it. I was made to think it was okay. The media presents speaking like this, okay. But, I always had a thought, well just this one time. I don’t have to apologize for what I have said. In my heart I knew it was wrong, I felt condemned, and sorrowful. I never grew up knowing that what I was saying was breaking a commandment, but as I got older, I felt remorse for it.  President David O. McKay once said, “Reverence for God’s name should be dominant in every home. Profanity should never be expressed in a home in this Church. … If there were more reverence in human hearts, there would be less room for sin and sorrow and increased capacity for joy and gladness. ..”  This is very true. If we teach children at an early age to obey this commandment, it will come natural to them to keep the lords name holy, to say his name during prayer, or thanks and not when they may become upset, or angry. Since I have re-learned how to speak to the lord, how to talk to him, his name has became sacred to me- as it should have been this entire time.  I have a inner peace when talking about our heavenly father, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, and by keeping this commandment, I have more joy in my life. I found that I am generally a happier person and that when praying I feel closer to the lord. I have also found that when using the lord’s name in this way, it can cut ties to him. The Holy Ghost will not feel welcome when such a sacred and holy name is being used in profanity, anger, or other negative speaking. The feeling and comfort that the Holy Ghost gives me, as I am sure it does for all of you, is something I never want to part with.
The third and final commandment I want to talk about is in Exodus 20:8-11 which says, Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work. But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it. Before I started learning more about the commandments recently, I did not know about this specific instruction from the lord. And even after I learned about it more, I still didn’t realize that some of the things I was doing, I should not have been. In True to the Faith it says: Because the Sabbath is a holy day, it should be reserved for worthy and holy activities. Abstaining from work and recreation is not enough. In fact, those who merely lounge about doing nothing on the Sabbath fail to keep the day holy. In a revelation given to Joseph Smith in 1831, the Lord commanded: "That thou mayest more fully keep thyself unspotted from the world, thou shalt go to the house of prayer and offer up thy sacraments upon my holy day; for verily this is a day appointed unto you to rest from your labors, and to pay thy devotions unto the Most High" (D&C 59:9–10). In harmony with this revelation, Church members attend sacrament meeting each week. Other Sabbath-day activities may include praying, meditating, studying the scriptures and the teachings of latter-day prophets, writing letters to family members and friends, reading wholesome material, visiting the sick and distressed, and attending other Church meetings. President Ezra Taft Benson said: “It seems to me that the following should be avoided on the Sabbath:
“• Overworking and staying up late Saturday so that you are exhausted the next day.
“• Filling the Sabbath so full of extra meetings that there is no time for prayer, meditation, family fellowship, and counseling.
“• Doing gardening and odd jobs around the house.
“• Taking trips to canyons or resorts, visiting friends socially, joy riding, wasting time, and engaging in other amusements.
“• Playing vigorously and going to movies.
“• Engaging in sports and hunting ‘wild animals’ which God made for the use of man only ‘in times of famine and excess of hunger.’ (See D&C 89:15.)
“• Reading material that does not contribute to your spiritual uplift.
“• Shopping or supporting with your patronage businesses that operate on Sunday, such as grocery stores, supermarkets, restaurants, and service stations”
All of which are things that I never thought, is this bringing me closer to my heavenly father? Is this something that I can grow spiritually from? Will my testimony strengthen from this? These are questions that I ask myself now before planning anything for a Sunday afternoon.  If we plan carefully, we can avoid any activity that can prevent us from keeping the Sabbath day holy. Such as shopping for household items or groceries on Saturday, purchasing gasoline on Saturday, or doing chores on Saturday.  The blessings that we can receive from keeping this commandment are in multitude. We can strengthen our faith and our relationship with our Heavenly Father, and in turn not only will we grow, but we can be filled with a joy that only comes from keeping the lords commandments.
I have a testimony of a spiritual uplift from keeping the commandments. I have re-learned how to speak, and how to live. I have kept the commandments, and I have such a strong relationship with my heavenly father now that finally for the first time in my life, I feel like I can talk to him anytime, anywhere and he will be there, listening. There are many blessings we receive in our lives, but there are some blessings that only come from keeping the commandments. The commandments are the foundation to my faith, sturdy and strong. I don’t consider myself the strongest person, but when it comes to my faithfulness to the lord and following his commandments, I think that is one of my strongest areas. I found a peace in my life and a comfort from the Holy Ghost, that I wouldn’t have if my ways had not been changed. I am thankful for the lords commandments, I can’t even imagine the chaos that would overwhelm this world if it had not been for guidelines like these. That is a scary thought.. a world without rules, without a guide from our heavenly father.
I am so thankful for this gospel in all of its fullness. I am thankful for the Prophet Joseph Smith and the restoration. I am thankful for Jesus Christ’s atonement. I know that this church is true, and that Joseph Smith was a true prophet of the lord.  I can’t imagine my life without this amazing church, the true church of Jesus Christ. I stand amazed at all of my many blessings and the family that I have gained here. The lords commandments are amazing, and I am blessed to live in a time and place where we can worship the lord and freely read and study in his scriptures.  I am thankful for this opportunity. I say these things in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

My life is great, nevertheless, I am empty.

How do I compete? How do I compete with something so great that the very thought of it, flushes me out. I fell like a complete nobody. Almost always. What I want, I can't have. And it is so sad to me because I know there is much happiness involved, and it just isn't meant for me. So maybe this move will do my heart some good.. Or maybe it will just give me an opportunity to fail at what I thought could very well be the most amazing thing in my life. Maybe it's not meant for me at all. Im afraid of the unknown. I want to put it all in gods hands, and let him guide me.. and I know, he knows what he is doing. I just wish I knew... I wish I knew what my future holds, and if I will ever find the missing piece to my life. I want to feel complete.. because for years I have felt completely empty. ..and I don't want to feel like that anymore. I don't want to feel like this ever again..

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

..and then..... ME!

I am happier in the winter.
I am allergic to the sun.
I am afraid of dark water, more specifically cold icy dark water.
I was afraid of my dad almost my entire life.
I was born 6 weeks early.
I don't tolerate abuse.
I can crochet.
I am allergic to cats, even though I have one.
It took me a year to learn how to walk in heels properly.
I absolutely HATE Starfruit.
I love the smell of winter: Cold air and cinnamon.
I am a fire bug. I love fireworks.
I am a purse addict.
I have spent over 300 bucks on a purse and a wallet.
I didn't eat hot dogs for 5 years.
I have never ate anything pickled except for pickles themselves.
I rode an air plane by my self since I was 5 years old.
I have 4 brothers and 4 sisters. 2 half brothers, 2 step brothers, 1 half sister, 3 step sisters.
I have been in 2 car accidents in my life.
I love candles.
I question my own decisions every day.
I am never satisfied.
I believe in true love.
I swallow backwards. Meaning my tongue, when swallowing, moves in the opposite direction.
I have nightmares almost every time I go to sleep, and most of them are extremely vivid.
I have only rode a horse once in my life.
I love hammered silver.
When given a choice, it can take me hours to choose.
I fell in love for the first time at 16.
Even though my grandmother died when I was 5, I can still remember the lines on her face.
I have a hard time subtracting.
I hate just about every picture I am in.
I love to swim and rollerblade.
I have went to about 10 different schools.
I lose everything.
I am slightly hard of hearing.
I have short term memory loss worse than anyone my age.
I love Coldplay, and I have decided that they are Musical Geniuses.
I hate clowns.
I am afraid of the dark.
I love rollercoasters.
I love to learn.
I make myself laugh daily with my stupidity.
I don't know what I am talking about half of the time.
I normally can see through people, and their lies.
I don't trust anyone- not even myself.
I have had my heart broken twice.
I want a fennic fox for a pet and WILL own one, one day.
I have an amazing dream for my life but I constantly question if it will ever happen.
I hate being alone.
I check my back seat every time I get in my car.
I am afraid of the interstate.
I don't know what I would do without my Mom.
I had a stuffed cat that my mamaw gave to me. It was the last thing she gave to me before she died. I slept with it every night, and still probably would if it would not have disappeared.
I keep my feet out of the covers when I sleep.
Crying babies give me the worst anxiety ever.
I am quick to jump to conclusions.
I think everyone has a secret.
I find other people's lives interesting. and I want to know all that I can about them.
I had a thick northern accent until I got made fun of. Then I tried to hard to fit in, which made me sound strange.
I can't stand U2, Bon Jovi and Saving Abel.
Devon Sawa was my first celebrity crush.
I am a republican but I liked Clinton.
I hate people who are shallow.
I tell people to grow up, but I really should take my own advice.
i I think I am commitment challenged.
I can handle a shot when I am by myself, but if my mom is in the room, I will cry.
When I am around my Papaw, I feel like a little kid again.
I cry about pretty much everything.
I love Love Stories, but cry because I wish I was that lucky.
I can't read directions very well
I hate when people lie to me. It is the biggest pet peeve that I have.
I try to change myself to fit other people way too much.
I sit and listen to calming/sad music until I cry almost weekly just to let things out.
No one knows what an emotional rollercoaster that I am on, because I don't like talking about it.
I wish people asked more about me, i wish they found me as interesting as I find them.
I apparently have a twin in Cullman, we look so much alike that it fooled my own sister, and just about fooled my Mom.
I hate falling in love, because it never works out.
I love looking at pictures, and I could do it all day.
I am awkward most of the time.
I sometimes wish I was someone else.
I don't like spook houses or scary movies.
I can't stand people who make fun of other people because they are different than them.
I love dry humor.
If i hear about someone making a comment about someone being bigger than them, they lose all of my respect- forever.
I cheered in highschool 10-12 grade.
I marched in band in 9th grade.
I play the flute.
I sing- all the time.
I love surprises, even though I say I hate them.
I sing to my animals- usually something by Lifehouse.
I have danced with my dog.
I love the idea of love.
I miss so many people to the point of crying.
I like to wake up early but I have a hard time doing it.
I have played Halo for a total of 12 hours straight.
I think that I have the best Mom in the world, and no matter how much someone talks about how amazing their parents are, I still think that my Mom is the best thing in this world.
I became best friends with the first girl my ex cheated on me with.
Two of my closest friends are missionaries.
I don't know what else to write.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Truth

Sometimes I often wonder what is wrong with me. Why do I fail at some of the most important things that life has to offer? I have loved, and lost.. loved again.. and lost again. So I hold myself back. I hold back until I can't any more. I didn't want to feel this way. I decided to wait. Wait until I was in a better position to let myself become that person. But things happen, we will never know when, or why. And most of the time, it is not meant for us to know. I admit, I was vulnerable. Because my capacity to be a good wife had stretched so much, and I couldn't take any more. I fell out of love. Between bending over backwards, and struggles that I was not in a position to deal with, the love I had left. It was a love that I had drempt about my whole life. I thought for sure this time, I had found it. I think I was so in love with the idea of love, I was blinded and what I thought was undying true love, was no where near close. I didn't want to say it before. But I can't lie about a truth so huge. Don't get me wrong. It was a real love. It was the love that I knew existed before, just a little stronger this time. But all the things that I expected to feel, I never did. I made up excuses, but still, there was nothing that he could do or say to make it right. It just wasn't there. The realization started to come shortly after the vows, and I became a closed person. I was sad. I didn't know what to think or what to say. I just knew it hurt, because I knew I settled. I don't want to settle. I won't settle. I want to be that person that makes someones life worth while. I want to be the person that changes how someone thinks about love and what it means. I want that feeling of butterflies and the queasy stomach that only comes from love. I think I have became afraid of it. If I feel it, it is never right. Its like my heart is confused. I know what I want, but an undying love like that is hard to come by. I just don't know how I will ever know when it is right. Every time I have thought, yes, this is it.. I was dead wrong. I thought I was right.. I knew I was right. But the feeling of being completely wrong leaves me feeling hopeless. I feel hopeless. I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach over and over. Somethings are not meant to work out, but I thought for sure that in that category, all of that was over. Why can't I be good enough? I am not the best at everything, Im not the prettiest, or the skinniest. I don't know all that I should, I needed a kick start for my life. My family has always been broken. I was a step child all my life. I have moved around from state to state, and never had my roots settled in. I know I am a little scatter brained most of the time, but trying to pick of the shattered pieces of my life is hard.. and I struggle with it. But I am making it. I am always told how great I am, how I am the person in peoples lives that helps them pick up the messes they make, and I am the one people can talk to. I am the good friend, the best friend, the spiritual friend who gives good advice. But honestly I don't know how I will ever get out of that circle. Its vicious. I want to be the good friend, but not with everyone. I am ready for that step.. that is why I got married in the first place. I am ready to find that person that can melt every worry away, the person who can make me feel like I am the only person in this world. I just don't know if something like that is within my reach. Its like its at my fingertips, but just out of my grasp. I wish I could turn the wrong feelings off. Just make them go away. I hate having the right feelings for the wrong person. It is by far the worst feeling in the world. A start of something great, with someone who is less than halfway there. I feel like I have built up for feelings like those, then they go to waste. Complete and utter waste. I hate myself for doing this. I hate it. I can't make myself just forget. You'd think I would learn from the last time. But I don't, because my heart is reckless and will not be controlled by my logical brain. All matters would seem easy if I could control my emotions like very other normal person. Normalcy. I dont even know what that is anymore. I am not sure that is even in my vocabulary. I didn't mean to seem out of place in this situation, but I kind of feel like I made everyone feel awkward. And that is the last thing I wanted. I need something.. I don't know what. Something to make me forget about the stupid decisions I have made, and the wrong words that I have said. I hate being alone.. this is what happens. I think. Too drastically I make up my mind about things, and right now that is NOT what I need. I don't need to make any rash decisions, more specifically ones I would regret. I have to keep my head level. But how? How do I go about smoothing things out.. making them right again? I get online every day, and someone adds me as a friend.. usually someone friends with someone I know.. and the message is the same every time, "I thought you were beautiful.. I had to say hi." wow. That makes me feel amazing, too bad they have no teeth, live at home at 35 and no plans to do anything with their life. I deserve better. I seem to attract the worst.. as far as standards go. Maybe my standards are too high. But lowering the bar means I settle right? I just don't know what to think or do anymore.. I don't know how to keep my self at bay with my emotions, more specifically when I know it is someone who never thought twice about the concept of me. I feel like I have so much to give.. but its all wasting away on the wrong person, the wrong idea. I just don't know what to say anymore. i guess I could apologize. But how do you apologize for something that you had no control over? I don't know how to make myself understand....