I have come to realize what all I have lost. Not my old friends, not my old life, but someone I love so much and I have realized how bad it hurts to not have him. Once upon a time we were so happy, I just wish it would have lasted longer. I miss him so much I can't hardly stand it. I know that we are over, but I just wish I could shake the feelings I have completely. I tried to suppress them for so long, and I cant pretend like I don't care anymore. I wish he could know what I know now, so we could at least try again. I didn't give enough effort, I ran too quickly at the first sign of smoke when I should have waited it out and tried to make things work. I feel like a helpless cause. I thought I got married for the wrong reasons, but I think we got married for the right reasons, just at the wrong time. I don't know what to do other than pray. That is really all I can do. I look around at all the people I know, who are truly happy, and I think about being there one time. Looking into my husbands eyes and seeing myself. Knowing that my children were going to look just like him. I can't say I never loved him, because if I didn't I wouldn't be hurting this badly now. I have been so upset, and I feel like I just can't stop crying. I think it's because maybe deep down I thought that one day we could try again. That divorce didn't mean the end of US. And now that I am moving away, it's like I know that we are over for good. The odds of him coming to Utah for me are very slim.. almost non existent. I just wish sometimes that I would have tried harder, not griped as much and just loved him more. I would give just about anything to go back to one day of happiness with him. I remember, one night I had a really bad dream that he died. I woke up crying, and I looked over and he was still there.. next to me and sound asleep. I woke him up, I told him what I had dreamed about, and he hugged me and told me that he loved me so much, I begged him, please never leave me and he said, "Jenna, I would never leave you...ever." I never thought at that moment in time that I would ever be where I am now. I love him so much, and I can't help but feel like my chest is crushed. A note to self, never regret something that made you happy- ever. Hold on to who you love for dear life because you could blink and them be gone forever. He said we are two different people, and he is just trying to move on with his life, but I can't accept the fact that he is so easily able to move on and I am falling apart- and dying of a broken heart. I hope one day that I can feel for one second what I did for him- and be in that moment of happiness. If I could just get that chance one more time, I promise I will never let go of it.
No comments:
Post a Comment