So much has happened the past two weeks. Firstly, I quit my job at Ancestry.com. I felt such a wave of relief when I told my manager that I was leaving. After the new management came in and took over, I was broken every day, and I was at my wits end. I'm being honest when I say that I was suffocating. So I started at a credit card processing company with a friend I am in the Relief Society presidency with. It is a good job, 40 solid hours a week and no risk of getting fired. Its a good feeling.
Secondly, I bought a new car. I let my other car go and jumped into a 2007 Chevy Cobalt. It is a cute little black 4 door. I love it. It has a steering issue that is getting fixed this next week by my good friend David. I just think the world of him, his amazing wife Cecily and their two boys. They have became some of the most amazing people I have ever met. The lord has truly blessed me! ..and I know that they will probably read this, being avid followers of my blog and what not. lol But I meant every word. ;)
Thirdly, I start my liquid diet in less than 2 weeks. February 1st- no more solids until after my surgery. It is coming up so fast. I am so excited though, I get to start my new life- the only bad thing is coming up with the money to buy all new clothes haha.. like I will have a problem with that! It will be nice to be able to "double my wardrobe" as Becky calls it. She thinks that my clothes will be her clothes and vice versa haha... she is too cute. My moms ticket has been purchased and she will be here on the 13th of February. I am very excited to see her! I miss her so much.
I have met a few new people lately that I am excited to have in my life. You hit a point where you don't think anyone else could come into your life and bless you more than you have already and you are proven wrong every time. I am so thankful for the friends that I have, including my new ones. The spiritual beacons in my life- I honestly don't know how I made it this long with out them.
Life is really turning around. I feel like my head is spinning, it is crazy! Maybe that is why I am keeping a headache, or maybe its because my glasses are not strong enough.. yeah thats probably it. But I just wanted to update those that read this blog. Its been a pretty insane couple of weeks, but even more so to think that it's not even close to being over.
So, until next time.
xoxo
Friday, January 27, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Uno, Dos, Tres..
After my last few blogs being some what depressing (sorry about that), I decided it's time for a good ole fashioned rant. Well not so much a rant, okay I lied, it is a rant.
Rant numero uno.
Let me start with my glorious new bi-pap machine. For those of you who have no idea what that is, let me elaborate. It is a machine with a mask that pushes air into my lungs. The mask covers my nose and mouth and when I breathe in more air is pushed and when I breathe out it slows down. It has a humidifier in it to make sure that I am getting the right amount of moisture while breathing. I have to wear this monster to ensure that I breathe at night. After 2 sleep studies, we found out that I quit breathing on average 8 times an hour- that is until I start to dream, and then I stop about 25 times an hour. Scary right? So I use this air torture device every night. Okay. Let me explain something.. I am claustrophobic- meaning that tight places or small places are no bueno, and this thing makes me feel like someone has their hands over my nose and mouth... I go to sleep feeling somewhat okay, until I have to sneeze, itch my nose, cough or speak for that matter. Ive been sick for a week now so all of those things are bound to happen at least once while I am asleep. So as I am attempting to get comfortable, the tubing is laying across my face, because of course I am the wierdo that can't sleep on my back. I am twisting and turing trying to maneuver a good sleeping position while wrestling with this tube. Then I remember, oh shit, I can't breathe! I don't know what in the world makes my mind think that I can't breathe while I have a good steady flow of air going into my lungs. So then I proceed to rip the mask off of my face. I start gasping for air as if I have been deprived for an hour. I look down at the machine, that I am now convinced was trying to kill me, and decide, Im just going to turn it off. It is no good. I don't need this.. (yeah right) then I remember, oh yeah, they monitor if it is on or not, and my oh-so-awesome insurance will charge me if I have it and I am not using it. Great. Night 1 I received maybe 2 hours of sleep total, and 3 nice panic attacks. Night 2, I received more sleep, but I just let the stupid thing run without it being on my face the entire night. Sneaky sneaky. :)
Rant numero dos.
My lovely job. My job that I love so much, it hurts. Rightttt... I hate my job haha.. I mean who does not say that? So after taking all of our perks away, failing to staff correctly, and taking away our holiday pay, I mean really what is there not to like? Lets add that everyone is quitting... just waking out in the middle of their shift or not coming in at all. Instead of having at least 30 seconds between phone calls it is non stop back to back phone calls. So on Thursday, I needed to be off work in the morning so I could go to my appointment to pick up the death machine or bi-pap and get set up on it. I sent in the request on Monday- denied, my manager sent it in Tuesday and escalated it, denied again. Their reasoning? They do not have enough people staffed.. and how is that my fault? So they are denying medical time off requests because they do not know how to manage staffing? I guess on Thursday they had 50 calls in the queue and a 10 minute wait, so after being on long calls all day long I now also have pissed off customers yelling and cussing at me because they had to wait- which is also not my fault. They are not staffing adequately because they are over budget.. why are they over budget? because instead of hiring more hourly paid employees to actually take care of our customers, they hired salaried employees to do stupid shit like, run our Facebook page. Really? The company really has went down hill- really really quickly. Time for a new job.
Rant numero tres.
My ex husbands logger beard. What the freak is going on with his face? Im sorry, but when I saw the picture I just laughed. Not only has his choice in women DRAMATICALLY changed but he now looks like he should be on the show American Loggers. I was kinda shocked, because when we were together he was clean cut, but now.. I have not the foggiest why he thinks that looks good. Oh well, she has to look at him not me I guess. I don't really care but he has done some things recently that are kinda shocking to me. Of course he probably has said the same thing about me. "Well she became a Mormon and moved to Utah.." lol
I digress.
I think that is all of my rants today, I should do this more often, it feels awesome to let it all out!!!
Rant numero uno.
Let me start with my glorious new bi-pap machine. For those of you who have no idea what that is, let me elaborate. It is a machine with a mask that pushes air into my lungs. The mask covers my nose and mouth and when I breathe in more air is pushed and when I breathe out it slows down. It has a humidifier in it to make sure that I am getting the right amount of moisture while breathing. I have to wear this monster to ensure that I breathe at night. After 2 sleep studies, we found out that I quit breathing on average 8 times an hour- that is until I start to dream, and then I stop about 25 times an hour. Scary right? So I use this air torture device every night. Okay. Let me explain something.. I am claustrophobic- meaning that tight places or small places are no bueno, and this thing makes me feel like someone has their hands over my nose and mouth... I go to sleep feeling somewhat okay, until I have to sneeze, itch my nose, cough or speak for that matter. Ive been sick for a week now so all of those things are bound to happen at least once while I am asleep. So as I am attempting to get comfortable, the tubing is laying across my face, because of course I am the wierdo that can't sleep on my back. I am twisting and turing trying to maneuver a good sleeping position while wrestling with this tube. Then I remember, oh shit, I can't breathe! I don't know what in the world makes my mind think that I can't breathe while I have a good steady flow of air going into my lungs. So then I proceed to rip the mask off of my face. I start gasping for air as if I have been deprived for an hour. I look down at the machine, that I am now convinced was trying to kill me, and decide, Im just going to turn it off. It is no good. I don't need this.. (yeah right) then I remember, oh yeah, they monitor if it is on or not, and my oh-so-awesome insurance will charge me if I have it and I am not using it. Great. Night 1 I received maybe 2 hours of sleep total, and 3 nice panic attacks. Night 2, I received more sleep, but I just let the stupid thing run without it being on my face the entire night. Sneaky sneaky. :)
Rant numero dos.
My lovely job. My job that I love so much, it hurts. Rightttt... I hate my job haha.. I mean who does not say that? So after taking all of our perks away, failing to staff correctly, and taking away our holiday pay, I mean really what is there not to like? Lets add that everyone is quitting... just waking out in the middle of their shift or not coming in at all. Instead of having at least 30 seconds between phone calls it is non stop back to back phone calls. So on Thursday, I needed to be off work in the morning so I could go to my appointment to pick up the death machine or bi-pap and get set up on it. I sent in the request on Monday- denied, my manager sent it in Tuesday and escalated it, denied again. Their reasoning? They do not have enough people staffed.. and how is that my fault? So they are denying medical time off requests because they do not know how to manage staffing? I guess on Thursday they had 50 calls in the queue and a 10 minute wait, so after being on long calls all day long I now also have pissed off customers yelling and cussing at me because they had to wait- which is also not my fault. They are not staffing adequately because they are over budget.. why are they over budget? because instead of hiring more hourly paid employees to actually take care of our customers, they hired salaried employees to do stupid shit like, run our Facebook page. Really? The company really has went down hill- really really quickly. Time for a new job.
Rant numero tres.
My ex husbands logger beard. What the freak is going on with his face? Im sorry, but when I saw the picture I just laughed. Not only has his choice in women DRAMATICALLY changed but he now looks like he should be on the show American Loggers. I was kinda shocked, because when we were together he was clean cut, but now.. I have not the foggiest why he thinks that looks good. Oh well, she has to look at him not me I guess. I don't really care but he has done some things recently that are kinda shocking to me. Of course he probably has said the same thing about me. "Well she became a Mormon and moved to Utah.." lol
I digress.
I think that is all of my rants today, I should do this more often, it feels awesome to let it all out!!!
Monday, January 2, 2012
Ready or Not.
I have had a lot of time to think lately.. about my life, the future and my career. I have been in school for Paralegal for two and a half years, and I am sick of it. I hate it. More specifically because in order for me to finish my degree here I need to re take a ton of classes. I am still going to get my associates (I only lack 2 classes) but I do not want to do something I hate. So I started looking at alternatives. I need more hands on type of work- paperwork has gotten really old. My mind was thinking, but you have so much done, but my heart said differently. My dream is to do make up, it has always been my dream but I was afraid to tell people because they are so quick to judge. When I was younger I would do my sisters prom make up, and make up for their friends. So I have decided to go to beauty school. I will start at Aveda after I heal from my surgery. I have talked to multiple people and I think that this would make me the happiest. I do not want to be miserable with my career.
In exactly 30 days from today, I start my liquid diet. My surgery date is February 14th.. what a GREAT Valentines day I will have! I am so scared, but I know once it is all said and done and I am healed I will be thankful I had it. It will be a hard road but I am willing to go down it. The reason I am even getting the surgery is because of health reasons. Let me explain.
I have a condition called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS for short. I developed it when I was about 16. I was with a steady boyfriend named David, and even though I was young, we were sexually active and I thought I was pregnant. I was gaining weight, and my periods had stopped. I went to the doctor to find out that not only was I not pregnant, but I had cysts on my ovaries that were preventing me from ovulating. Because of the PCOS I gained almost 80 lbs in a year and I started developing other medical issues. My sugar started bottoming out, and I nearly passed out multiple times. I could barely hold my head up some days and with cheerleading I could not concentrate. My blood pressure started getting higher and higher the more weight I would gain, and between the rapid weight gain and the blood sugar levels, I was feeling pretty awful. Since then I have not been able to conceive children as I only ovulate at a 0.02%- even though I am not trying anymore, when I am ready for kids, I want to be actually able to have them. I also have acid reflux, fatty liver disease, obstructive sleep apnea (which I will soon be wearing a c-pap for) and because I am obese my risk for breast cancer, and multiple other cancers increases dramatically. My mom is in remission from breast cancer, my great aunt is in remission, and my mamaw (grandmother) died in 1992 from liver cancer due to the spread of breast cancer. Also, my great grandmother died of liver cancer- with my fatty liver disease my risk is higher for this as well because of the extra "fat" that my liver has in it. My risk for heart attack and heart disease is nearly 50% higher than the average 25 year old woman.
As I stand right now, I am a ticking time bomb. I have more medical issues than people double my age. I don't sleep well, ever. I hurt and ache when I wake up every morning because the joints in my knees are carrying so much weight every day, eventually they will blow out sooner than someone of normal weight. My dad has sleep apnea, and is about to have a knee replacement- he is only 58. My mom is in remission from breast cancer- she is only 48. Younger and younger problems like this hit, and I do not want to die before I am 60. I need to fix this while I am young enough to handle the surgery. I have tried every diet known, including doctor supervised diets and working out, but because of the PCOS and being insulin resistant, I barely can lose weight- other alternatives take too much time. I don't have the time to wait.. when you have medical problems like I do, things that can kill you, you don't wait, you fix the problem now. The quicker the better. That is why I am getting it. What drove me over the edge to make my final decision was not the fact that my risk for breast cancer is much higher now (in the 70% range), but because of how I am treated in Utah by people.
They do not understand the need to be accepted that an obese person goes through every day, they do not understand the constant emotional struggles, the constant depression. I walk into a store that does not sell my size, just to buy accessories, because that is all I can fit- but the looks people give me, like I am not suppose to be here. Its unfair. Men treat me like they would rather hang themselves than to be seen on a date with someone like me. You have a pretty face but you are fat. If I had a quarter for every time I have heard that. Just recently people have kinda been let in on how much it affects me. Its pure hell. And I hear from guys, "You know, if someone has a problem with the way you look, then its their loss.." but these are the same guys that refuse to date me. They care because they are friends with me, but we will never be anything more because of my weight. Its wrong, and until you have been in my shoes, until you have been obese, then you have no clue. It has nothing to do with confidence. I have, or had confidence that is until I have been turned down by 99% of guys I was interested in due to my weight. You lose confidence. Its hard to keep your head up when you feel like you are constantly being shoved under water.
So I made the decision to get the surgery, and now that my date is coming up- quicker than I ever thought I am becoming more scared. I figure if I die, at least I died trying.
I want to point out the positives though... I know a lot of my blogs/statuses have been a little depressing lately, I am just going through a lot. I am trying to keep positive and to think about the amazing future that is a head of me. Sad that in order to have an amazing future I have to get a life threatening surgery.
So the positives..
Firstly- Medical: My PCOS will be gone. Completely gone. My sleep apnea will go away eventually. The stats of that is 70% of people have improvement.. anything works for me honestly. I don't want to wear that mask forever- It suffocates me. My acid reflux will be gone, my blood pressure will go down, I will be 20% less likely to get breast cancer. Ill take anything because of my risk being so high right now. Mt fatty liver disease will also go away. My risk of liver disease, heart disease and heart attack will nearly sever in half. I will have normal risks like everyone else. People tend to take their health for granted- we all do, until it starts to slip away. I get the chance to get my life back.
Secondly- Food: I will never again eat like I can now. My stomach will be only able to hold about 2 ounces of food at a time. No sugars, caffeine, carbonated beverages, candy, condensed carbohydrates (nothing white and refined... which includes nearly everything.) I will not be able to eat and drink at the same time, only 30 minutes before and 30 minutes after. I can no longer gulp liquids- only sip. This isn't just for right after my surgery, this is the rest of my life. I will be on multi vitamins the rest of my life as well. Because the surgery limits my food intake it also limits my absorption- and without the vitamins my body needs, I will be come very weak, very sick, and unable to fight off normal sicknesses. Ever heard of anyone dying because of refusal to take their daily vitamin? Well it can happen with weight loss surgery patients. I will learn to eat well because if I don't well, I will have a condition called dumping syndrome. Dumping syndrome means vomiting, explosive diarrhea, back aches, sweats, fever, body aches.. every time I eat something I can not have. I have had so many friends say, well you can eat whatever you want after you heal.. NO you can't. I will NEVER be able to eat like that again. Then I have heard, well my friend had it and she eats what she wants. Maybe she seems like that around you, but I guarantee she does not eat whatever she wants. The dumping syndrome does not allow you. YouTube dumping syndrome videos- trust me your "friend" will not eat whatever she wants when she goes through that every time. And she does have it if she had gastric bypass. It does not work that way. People act like I don't know what I am talking about when I say this.. I have researched this surgery for years.. 6 years to be exact. Even though I have not had the surgery, I can already tell you that NO ONE wants dumpings. Ever.
Thirdly- Physical: I get to go shopping for new clothes, not just some but a whole new wardrobe, at the places that I want to shop at. I can wear what I want, finally. People will treat me differently according to everyone I have ever spoken to that has had the surgery. Not just people in general, but my friends, and family. Good and bad. The good is that I will be able to do more with my friends because my weight will not prohibit me, the bad is that some of my bigger friends will develop a jealousy streak that could end our friendship. I hope that does not happen but it is a problem with being a big girl. I have been like that before, not enough to quit hanging out with someone but bad enough that I would rather not anymore. If I am not already dating someone by the time my surgery comes up, I will be able to date more. Its like an unspoken rule that mormon men only date skinny girls. Which is complete garbage, but that is how society looks at courting. Skinny girls get the guys, guys in general lust after skinny girls. Very rarely will you see a model over a size 4 that guys have posters of. It just does not work that way. Every aspect of my life will be changing.
Am I ready for it? Maybe. I may have said yes before, but I don't think that anyone is ready for that type of change. Its emotional, physical, medical.. its the biggest event of my life so far. February 14th here I come, ready or not.
In exactly 30 days from today, I start my liquid diet. My surgery date is February 14th.. what a GREAT Valentines day I will have! I am so scared, but I know once it is all said and done and I am healed I will be thankful I had it. It will be a hard road but I am willing to go down it. The reason I am even getting the surgery is because of health reasons. Let me explain.
I have a condition called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS for short. I developed it when I was about 16. I was with a steady boyfriend named David, and even though I was young, we were sexually active and I thought I was pregnant. I was gaining weight, and my periods had stopped. I went to the doctor to find out that not only was I not pregnant, but I had cysts on my ovaries that were preventing me from ovulating. Because of the PCOS I gained almost 80 lbs in a year and I started developing other medical issues. My sugar started bottoming out, and I nearly passed out multiple times. I could barely hold my head up some days and with cheerleading I could not concentrate. My blood pressure started getting higher and higher the more weight I would gain, and between the rapid weight gain and the blood sugar levels, I was feeling pretty awful. Since then I have not been able to conceive children as I only ovulate at a 0.02%- even though I am not trying anymore, when I am ready for kids, I want to be actually able to have them. I also have acid reflux, fatty liver disease, obstructive sleep apnea (which I will soon be wearing a c-pap for) and because I am obese my risk for breast cancer, and multiple other cancers increases dramatically. My mom is in remission from breast cancer, my great aunt is in remission, and my mamaw (grandmother) died in 1992 from liver cancer due to the spread of breast cancer. Also, my great grandmother died of liver cancer- with my fatty liver disease my risk is higher for this as well because of the extra "fat" that my liver has in it. My risk for heart attack and heart disease is nearly 50% higher than the average 25 year old woman.
As I stand right now, I am a ticking time bomb. I have more medical issues than people double my age. I don't sleep well, ever. I hurt and ache when I wake up every morning because the joints in my knees are carrying so much weight every day, eventually they will blow out sooner than someone of normal weight. My dad has sleep apnea, and is about to have a knee replacement- he is only 58. My mom is in remission from breast cancer- she is only 48. Younger and younger problems like this hit, and I do not want to die before I am 60. I need to fix this while I am young enough to handle the surgery. I have tried every diet known, including doctor supervised diets and working out, but because of the PCOS and being insulin resistant, I barely can lose weight- other alternatives take too much time. I don't have the time to wait.. when you have medical problems like I do, things that can kill you, you don't wait, you fix the problem now. The quicker the better. That is why I am getting it. What drove me over the edge to make my final decision was not the fact that my risk for breast cancer is much higher now (in the 70% range), but because of how I am treated in Utah by people.
They do not understand the need to be accepted that an obese person goes through every day, they do not understand the constant emotional struggles, the constant depression. I walk into a store that does not sell my size, just to buy accessories, because that is all I can fit- but the looks people give me, like I am not suppose to be here. Its unfair. Men treat me like they would rather hang themselves than to be seen on a date with someone like me. You have a pretty face but you are fat. If I had a quarter for every time I have heard that. Just recently people have kinda been let in on how much it affects me. Its pure hell. And I hear from guys, "You know, if someone has a problem with the way you look, then its their loss.." but these are the same guys that refuse to date me. They care because they are friends with me, but we will never be anything more because of my weight. Its wrong, and until you have been in my shoes, until you have been obese, then you have no clue. It has nothing to do with confidence. I have, or had confidence that is until I have been turned down by 99% of guys I was interested in due to my weight. You lose confidence. Its hard to keep your head up when you feel like you are constantly being shoved under water.
So I made the decision to get the surgery, and now that my date is coming up- quicker than I ever thought I am becoming more scared. I figure if I die, at least I died trying.
I want to point out the positives though... I know a lot of my blogs/statuses have been a little depressing lately, I am just going through a lot. I am trying to keep positive and to think about the amazing future that is a head of me. Sad that in order to have an amazing future I have to get a life threatening surgery.
So the positives..
Firstly- Medical: My PCOS will be gone. Completely gone. My sleep apnea will go away eventually. The stats of that is 70% of people have improvement.. anything works for me honestly. I don't want to wear that mask forever- It suffocates me. My acid reflux will be gone, my blood pressure will go down, I will be 20% less likely to get breast cancer. Ill take anything because of my risk being so high right now. Mt fatty liver disease will also go away. My risk of liver disease, heart disease and heart attack will nearly sever in half. I will have normal risks like everyone else. People tend to take their health for granted- we all do, until it starts to slip away. I get the chance to get my life back.
Secondly- Food: I will never again eat like I can now. My stomach will be only able to hold about 2 ounces of food at a time. No sugars, caffeine, carbonated beverages, candy, condensed carbohydrates (nothing white and refined... which includes nearly everything.) I will not be able to eat and drink at the same time, only 30 minutes before and 30 minutes after. I can no longer gulp liquids- only sip. This isn't just for right after my surgery, this is the rest of my life. I will be on multi vitamins the rest of my life as well. Because the surgery limits my food intake it also limits my absorption- and without the vitamins my body needs, I will be come very weak, very sick, and unable to fight off normal sicknesses. Ever heard of anyone dying because of refusal to take their daily vitamin? Well it can happen with weight loss surgery patients. I will learn to eat well because if I don't well, I will have a condition called dumping syndrome. Dumping syndrome means vomiting, explosive diarrhea, back aches, sweats, fever, body aches.. every time I eat something I can not have. I have had so many friends say, well you can eat whatever you want after you heal.. NO you can't. I will NEVER be able to eat like that again. Then I have heard, well my friend had it and she eats what she wants. Maybe she seems like that around you, but I guarantee she does not eat whatever she wants. The dumping syndrome does not allow you. YouTube dumping syndrome videos- trust me your "friend" will not eat whatever she wants when she goes through that every time. And she does have it if she had gastric bypass. It does not work that way. People act like I don't know what I am talking about when I say this.. I have researched this surgery for years.. 6 years to be exact. Even though I have not had the surgery, I can already tell you that NO ONE wants dumpings. Ever.
Thirdly- Physical: I get to go shopping for new clothes, not just some but a whole new wardrobe, at the places that I want to shop at. I can wear what I want, finally. People will treat me differently according to everyone I have ever spoken to that has had the surgery. Not just people in general, but my friends, and family. Good and bad. The good is that I will be able to do more with my friends because my weight will not prohibit me, the bad is that some of my bigger friends will develop a jealousy streak that could end our friendship. I hope that does not happen but it is a problem with being a big girl. I have been like that before, not enough to quit hanging out with someone but bad enough that I would rather not anymore. If I am not already dating someone by the time my surgery comes up, I will be able to date more. Its like an unspoken rule that mormon men only date skinny girls. Which is complete garbage, but that is how society looks at courting. Skinny girls get the guys, guys in general lust after skinny girls. Very rarely will you see a model over a size 4 that guys have posters of. It just does not work that way. Every aspect of my life will be changing.
Am I ready for it? Maybe. I may have said yes before, but I don't think that anyone is ready for that type of change. Its emotional, physical, medical.. its the biggest event of my life so far. February 14th here I come, ready or not.
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