My Battle.

I am finding myself getting very discouraged. I have been fighting with the whole dating thing for a while and I decided that I had given myself a year and a half and it was time to date again. So I have been putting myself out there. I have never had a hard time finding dates or anything like that, and honestly I have never had to really look- but that was in Alabama. Utah is a totally different story. I have discovered that guys here are so shallow no matter what they look like, do for work ect. They could be a total bum and if a girl isn't super skinny they look the other way. I got married in the first place because I found someone I was willing to spend my life with and have children with, I wanted to be married. Tim and I divorced in August of 2010 and since then I have been just laying low until I felt comfortable with dating again. So a couple of months ago, I put myself out there. I was ready to date, and every guy that I have been the slightest bit interested in is not interested in me. I have been on ONE decent date since my divorce. One. I like to think I am a pretty girl, I have goals and aspirations.. I am a nice person. I am active in the church. I love life and my friends & family. What is wrong here? What, because I am not 100lbs soaking wet I can't get a date? I feel like I am never going to find someone that I am legitimately attracted to, to ever want me back. I have been turned down for my size a couple of different times, and to top it off, someone told me the other day that they wouldn't date someone 25. So now I'm too old? I am 25 for crying out loud! 


So, I noticed the past couple of days, I am slipping into a depression. I am not wanting to do the things I love anymore, I am having thoughts about things I shouldn't. Such as vices I gave up a long time ago. So Wednesday, hopefully I will be talking to my bishop about everything. I am just not happy. I was for so long, and still I am happier than I was in the past, but I am struggling to keep a smile on my face. It is hard seeing everyone that I am friends with dating on a weekly basis, getting engaged one right after the other and me dateless.. and feeling pretty hopeless. If I was not LDS I would still be in Alabama, and more than likely still married. But I chose an eternal happiness over my failing marriage. We could have eventually worked things out, but I let all of that go to have eternal truths in my life. 


One thing that bothers me the most is the fact that my friends, who are waiting on missionaries, who are not interested in anyone else, go on more dates than I do. I guarantee I know why.. because they are skinny. It all boils down to guys being superficial here. I think I am a great choice for anyone. I am an amazing person, at least I think I am. So what I am doing is this: I am getting a life threatening surgery to lose weight. I am doing it for health reasons too,  and that is a big reason why I am getting it done, but the other that pushed me to get it done quickly is the fact that until I lose weight I do not have a snowball's chance in hell at a decent date, with someone I am attracted to. I don't want to settle for anyone, I don't deserve that. I deserve to find someone that I think is handsome, who has a good job, a good personality and who actually loves me. Its kinda sad that I am resorting to surgery though. So sometime between the end of december and the beginning of January I will be getting Gastric Bypass surgery. I pray that I lose enough that someone will at least look at me as being a potential match for them. 


I have cried so much about this lately. People look at me like I am diseased or something. It does not help that I am a divorced convert to the church. If guys would only take a minute to find out why I am divorced they would probably think differently of me in that aspect. I am tired of being alone. I want a family.. I want someone to want me like I want them.  I don't normally post things like this but I am falling so quickly into a depression I just felt like it would help if I blogged about how I have been feeling lately. 


I keep praying about my situation, and I keep feeling that I need to be patient. I am okay with that, but so many of my friends are getting married, are already married and starting families... and I want that too. I long for that companionship. But alas, I am a hopeless cause until I lose weight. I think that is my only option.

Rant.

It has been a long time since I have just spoken my mind about things. And I feel, that it is time for me to get a few things off of my chest. 

First and foremost, Utah Mormons. Oh where do I begin.. There is such a grey area here. People are members of the church but only on Sundays. How does that happen? In Alabama you are either in or out, there is no inbetween. How can you people forget where you are, and the resources you have here? Literally there is a temple an hour from everywhere.. a chapel within 5 minutes and a deseret book within 30 minutes. But you would rather but 4 months inbetween temple visits, not because you cant go, because you don't want to go. Try living somewhere you have to drive, ride a train or bus 14 hours to get to one, and still those people go monthly. They beg for a temple, but you people sit there .2 miles away from one and say you just don't feel like going. That is unacceptable. I have lost so much to come into the truth that I know, including my husband and almost every friend I had.. and as soon as I was able to go to the temple, I went. There is no question about going. Just go. Set aside a whole hour or two and go. 

Utah guys.. On a scale of 1-10, some of you are barely pushing a 3 but expect a 12. Get over it. Just because you served a mish does not mean that you are above anyone else. I know plenty of people that have not served a mission and still I would much rather be friends with them. Shallowness will get you nowhere, and I am not just saying that for myself, I am saying that for every friend that has dealt with a d-bag guy in Happy Valley. (For those of you who don't know, that would be Utah County aka. The Bubble) Now obviously not every guy is like this but I would say a good solid 60% in this area are. Quit being make out whores, yes I said it. You guys will make out with a goat as long as it is anorexic with long hair. Try getting to know someone instead of being as shallow as a shower. Learn a little... realize that someone who is divorced is not the devil, somone who isn't fresh out of high school isn't an old woman, and someone who actually has experienced life isn't your mom (although your mom I am sure has experienced life, this is not the point I am trying to make.)

Utah girls.. you are NOT in love in 2 weeks. I hate to break it to you. Its called lust. So you keep the law of chasity. That is wonderful! However, that does not mean the second you find a guy you wanna sleep with you marry. This area is so high for divorce because you girls jump the gun and are ready to marry the first guy who served a mission. So he said he loved you after a week and cried one tear to show that he is in tune with his emotional side- so what? He is literally 21 years old, fresh off a mission and you are still wearing your training bra. Grow up some! Learn what life is about, then when you are comfortable with yourself look to get married. Divorce is hard, no matter what the situation- Think about that. You need to grow up before you can EVER expect to start a life with someone. You are still selfish, immature and naive. You need to experience life before you try to share it with someone else. Keep in mind that if you get a divorce, guys will look at you like you are tainted meat and steer clear, no matter how pretty you think you are. Just a word of advice.. stay true to yourself, and wait.

Gosh, this area kills me. Moving on. 

I cuss sometimes.. Sorry, I am not perfect. I tend to say hell, damn and shit a lot. And I am okay with that. Now when I am in the presence of people who don't like it, I refrain out of respect, but do not under any circumstances jump my case about my language. I am 25 years old, I will say what the hell I want. 

What I do in my life is none of anyones business. It is okay for you to form an opinion, you are entitled to it. You are NOT required to speak it vocally to me. More specifically about my life and what I do. I will date who I want to date, and do what I want to do. I make mistakes because I am not perfect, and I will learn what I can from them. I am not going to listen to what you "think" I need to learn from the situation. You do not know me, my life and what I have been through. The reason I do things the way I do is because of the experiences I have been through previously, and until you have walked in my shoes, don't make an assessment of my life and my decisions to vocally tell the world. It's none of their business, and quite frankly it is none of yours. 

Work customers.. I know what the freakin cancel process is, and if you are still being charged that means that you DID NOT cancel. Don't tell me you got a conformation number, or that you called. I can see if you called, so don't lie to me. If you recieved a conformation number then your account would be canceled. It is not my fault that you failed to read the terms and conditions, and no I am not required to give you a refund. If you act like a jerk, then I am less likely to help you out. No we are not disclosing private information to the public.. they are all public records from the GOVERNMENT. If you feel like your privacy is being compromised then talk to them. I can tell you right now that they don't give a crap if you whine to them. The democrats are whining daily and do you see them caring? Nope. 

Voters for Obama. You guys are a bunch of idiots. I watched this guy rant about Obama.. he was a black guy that voted for Obama and he regrets his decision because the government can not balance their check books. He said that he was happy that they had a black man in office, but he told Obama to quit acting like one and pay his bills. I thought that was awesome. Because you know if any white person would have said that, all hell would have broke loose. And no I am not being racist, I have TONS of friends from different races. But anyone who is taking the time to read this rant should look that guy up. He dropps the f bomb a few times, well more than a few, but he has a way with words. And.. everything he says is totally true. Props to the angry man who finally said what everyone else wanted to say. 

The ex-mormon that talked to my ex husband via the internet. Jump off a bridge. 

My exes wifes/girlfriends/fiances/whatevers.. I don't want them anymore. Trust me. If I can end my marriage to someone I loved more than anything in this world because I want eternal truths in my life, salvation and an eternal marriage and he didnt, then I sure as hell don't want the guys I dated in the past. More specifically the ones that cheated on me all the damn time. I can remember the good times, and smile, but that does not mean that I want them back. If I was still chasing them I would not have moved 1800 miles away from my home. I am over it, and you should do the same. 

People that thought I changed when I became a mormon.. I quit smoking and drinking. I watch my language for the most part, and I fast forward nudie scenes in movies. I don't wear low cut tops, short shorts or short skirts. I dress modestly. You know why? Because if the savior returned today I would like to stand before him, modest in dress and pure in heart. I go to church every Sunday because I found happiness in the gospel and I love going. I am a mormon, I am not in a cult, I am not brainwashed, I am not a polygamist. I am a normal girl who still likes to play video games, dance like crazy, listen to insane music and cry when I am angry. The only thing that changed was the fact that I am just better than I was before. My mind is opened, my heart is full and if making myself healthy, modest, and courteous makes you uncomfortable.. all I can say is get over it. Question, can you take the alcohol, cigarettes, cars, money, jewelry into the next life? Then why are those things so important to you now? Try eternal happiness.. now that is something that I can take with me no matter where I go. I love my life more than I ever have. I have so many friends from so many different backgrounds. We have fun, we act like idiots, we scream when we are mad, we laugh until we cry, and we love the lord, the restored gospel and we know the truths of the restored gospel. I do not judge people who are not members, like so many people have said that mormons do. We do not bash other churches or cultures.. but we are mocked and attacked daily. I have tons of friends who are not members, and yes I would love to share the gospel with them but they have their own agency and if they choose not to learn, then that is their choice. Agency is a gift from god.. satan wanted to take it away. So you have your agency, use it!

and finally...

Guys who try to date me.. I am the happiest person you will probably ever meet. I cry when I am mad, and laugh a lot the rest of the time. Life is awesome! Do not judge me before you meet me. There is a lot more to me than you think. Accept that my life is about to change dramatically. Accept that I like cold weather. Accept that I think it is okay to sing to every song, because I will.. every song. Love me for who I am and what kind of life you could have with me in it. I am an active mormon. I go to church every sunday, no if's ands or buts. I go to the temple weekly. I want whoever I am dating to be in the same boat as me. Be active in the gospel.. it is the cornerstone of my life, and thus it should be yours too.

/rant