I haven't been in the mood to write anything funny in a while. Most of the time a good old fashioned rant will do the trick, but I have been in this "deep" mode. I don't know what the shit that is about. It needs to stop. Like yesterday.
Anyway. So school started back, that is fun. Draining the life right out of me- with my professors keeping us off topic and talking about the most random shit you have ever heard, this semester has been deemed the most interesting semester of my life. 3 more to go and I will be done. THANK GOD!
Dude, I am officially a Junior. What is this? Where does the time go? I have one year left? Really!? Crazy! It feels good though, and I am ready to be done. I moved into a sweet apartment until I graduate. It is looking like May 2014 is my graduation time. Finally. :) I am staying motivated though- at least I am trying. I am not going to lie, I get knocked off the path quite frequently but I jump right back on.
There is a cat outside.. okay, random right? Skinny, baby factory recently removed and she love love loves my roommate Cadence. Of course she feeds her. So she comes back, over and over. Its technically our cat that is not our cat. Shh.
I have a loft in my house.. well every room has a loft technically. I thought about putting a twin up there.. not like a twin child, no. I am talking a twin bed. I can see myself up there all happy n shit and roll my ass right off onto the floor. Its a nice 7 foot drop... possibly more. I could break a couple bones I am sure. But needless to say the loft is pretty awesome for things, you know other than sleeping... I appreciate the architecture in this house. It is nice.
I completely swapped my diet to vegan a few weeks back. It has been a crazy change. I am like Martha Stewart knitting, crocheting, and cooking stuff on a regular basis. "ITS SMOOTHIE TIME BITCHES!" Gosh I have always wanted to say that out loud! haha Anyway, my smoothies are officially as good as Cec's. Thank you very much, I have mastered the art. I am proud... :) I learn from the best I suppose!
My roommates are pretty awesome, I kinda lucked out. They are all super chill however I am the oldest- which feels strange. I mean hell.. I am only 26. But, alas.. 26 means it is you know family time. I should be like a mom or something right? Something along those lines... it is coming eventually. Be patient Jenna... patience is a virtue, right? Yeah.
This blog is so random tonight, I guess pouring random things out just feels completely necessary tonight. I need someone to piss me off to the point that I base an entire blog just about them, without of course, ever saying their name. Oh the joys of the internet.
Class is at 8:30 in the morning.. Forensic Science. Why? Why you ask? I will tell you why, because my advisor said "WE REALLY NEED TO GET YOU IN THAT CLASS!!" Who the hell knows why exactly, however, who am I to question him? He knows best... I think. So bed time was an hour ago, but I had a wild hair to go to walmart. Which means bed time is now.. so I am done. Good night.
Until next time.
xoxo
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Taking Initiative.
Life is about changing. It is about adapting ourselves to change in the world without compromising our values and loves. I have been one to adapt too much. In fear of not gaining acceptance from whoever I am around. I would and still do adapt entirely and I tend to lose myself. I had a really good friend help me to look at my life in a different way. Regardless if he meant to cause this rift in myself, it happened, and I am thankful for it.
I picked up bad habits again- I did so good for so long. And I thought that it was over when I was in Bama, but when I got home, it kicked in again. I don't know if it was stress, school, being back in Bama and being completely stressed out, or just a mere want for something I had an addiction to. But regardless, I knew it was something I needed to fix- I just didn't want to. I felt like one day I will, or tomorrow works. But that is just procrastination. I needed to do something TODAY. So I did. And I can honestly say it stressed me out, but at the same time, I know the benefits and blessings from doing so. I am fixing myself, to become the best person I can be. It has been a long process, as this isn't the start- however, it is the first time I have took initiative and went in head first to tackle this cloud around myself. Its like my addictions were taunting me. Constantly in my ear whispering most of the time, screaming other times that I am weak, that I can't do this without them, no one will accept me, no one could love me, and I need outside support from my addictions to make things right. I knew all along that this was very wrong. Very very wrong. But yet, I would give in and each time I did I knew that I was becoming just a little bit weaker when I would go to tackle it in the future. Well the past few days I have taken a step back and analyzed my life and what I am doing and where I am going. I can't progress towards my happiness with bad things holding me back. No one can. I was on a leash, and I cut it off this morning. I feel free.
There are a lot of things we as human beings do in life that may not be good for us, depending on who we talk to. Then there are things that are not good for us regardless who we talk to. We all know they are wrong, yet we fall into this vicious cycle and it is nearly impossible to get out- that is until we make a conscious decision to just blind side the addiction or problem and tackle it with full force- and no warning. I find that if we do that, then it is easier to say no to whatever it is, but that doesn't make it easy completely. No matter what we do as a habit, it is a habit because it is easy, it brings us temporary self satisfaction, and we justify it. If we tackle a habit and just wash our hands clean of it, it brings us closer to the things that we actually want to do in life, and we are not held back.
I have had a few days of self reflection to come to the conclusions that I have. I have been thinking about the future and what I need to do to be happy- and make the people around me equally happy. Now, I am not saying that I have the ability to make everyone happy, because there will be people that will never be happy no matter what you do for them, but at least I can say that I tried. I want happiness just like anyone else. I want to be able to look someone straight in the eye and say, no my life may not be perfect, but at least I am happy. I was able to say that before, but was it real? Was it happiness that I fabricated? Or was it true happiness because in my world all was right, I had tried to fix my wrongs and build up the bridges that I have burned?
This is a process. It was never meant to be easy. Life is hard, and no one ever gets it completely right. But you know, that is the amazing part of being a human. We are forgiving, we can be humble, and we can look past the wrongs to see the good in anything. I am forgiving myself for the stupid things I have done, I am forgiving my past wrong-doers that have hurt me, I am forgiving of my family that may have done wrong in the past that affected me, but most importantly I am telling myself with full honesty that I know I am not perfect, I make mistakes, but that is what makes the atonement so great. I know that my father in heaven has forgiven me already, but we are always harder on ourselves. I need to quit worrying so much about every little thing, and everything that I may have done in the past that hinders my mind and my decisions now. I am an imperfect being- I know this all too well. The greatest thing though that I have to look forward to is that whoever decides to give this broken down, recently humbled girl a chance to be in their life will be surprised by the amount of humility that I have came into recently, they will see that I am giving my all because what is life truly about if you don't give your all anyway? Friends, spouses, family. I am looking at it all in a new light. It has taken me a long time and I am definitely not completely fixed but change must start with initiative- and that starts now.
I am diving into the unknown. Taking a leap of faith. I am humbling myself. Understanding my wrongs, and fixing them. It is amazing what a few wise words to a very selfish girl can do. Like I said before, it is a process, but step one is self reflection and admitting, step two is taking action. I think I am on a good path. :) Get it!
I picked up bad habits again- I did so good for so long. And I thought that it was over when I was in Bama, but when I got home, it kicked in again. I don't know if it was stress, school, being back in Bama and being completely stressed out, or just a mere want for something I had an addiction to. But regardless, I knew it was something I needed to fix- I just didn't want to. I felt like one day I will, or tomorrow works. But that is just procrastination. I needed to do something TODAY. So I did. And I can honestly say it stressed me out, but at the same time, I know the benefits and blessings from doing so. I am fixing myself, to become the best person I can be. It has been a long process, as this isn't the start- however, it is the first time I have took initiative and went in head first to tackle this cloud around myself. Its like my addictions were taunting me. Constantly in my ear whispering most of the time, screaming other times that I am weak, that I can't do this without them, no one will accept me, no one could love me, and I need outside support from my addictions to make things right. I knew all along that this was very wrong. Very very wrong. But yet, I would give in and each time I did I knew that I was becoming just a little bit weaker when I would go to tackle it in the future. Well the past few days I have taken a step back and analyzed my life and what I am doing and where I am going. I can't progress towards my happiness with bad things holding me back. No one can. I was on a leash, and I cut it off this morning. I feel free.
There are a lot of things we as human beings do in life that may not be good for us, depending on who we talk to. Then there are things that are not good for us regardless who we talk to. We all know they are wrong, yet we fall into this vicious cycle and it is nearly impossible to get out- that is until we make a conscious decision to just blind side the addiction or problem and tackle it with full force- and no warning. I find that if we do that, then it is easier to say no to whatever it is, but that doesn't make it easy completely. No matter what we do as a habit, it is a habit because it is easy, it brings us temporary self satisfaction, and we justify it. If we tackle a habit and just wash our hands clean of it, it brings us closer to the things that we actually want to do in life, and we are not held back.
I have had a few days of self reflection to come to the conclusions that I have. I have been thinking about the future and what I need to do to be happy- and make the people around me equally happy. Now, I am not saying that I have the ability to make everyone happy, because there will be people that will never be happy no matter what you do for them, but at least I can say that I tried. I want happiness just like anyone else. I want to be able to look someone straight in the eye and say, no my life may not be perfect, but at least I am happy. I was able to say that before, but was it real? Was it happiness that I fabricated? Or was it true happiness because in my world all was right, I had tried to fix my wrongs and build up the bridges that I have burned?
This is a process. It was never meant to be easy. Life is hard, and no one ever gets it completely right. But you know, that is the amazing part of being a human. We are forgiving, we can be humble, and we can look past the wrongs to see the good in anything. I am forgiving myself for the stupid things I have done, I am forgiving my past wrong-doers that have hurt me, I am forgiving of my family that may have done wrong in the past that affected me, but most importantly I am telling myself with full honesty that I know I am not perfect, I make mistakes, but that is what makes the atonement so great. I know that my father in heaven has forgiven me already, but we are always harder on ourselves. I need to quit worrying so much about every little thing, and everything that I may have done in the past that hinders my mind and my decisions now. I am an imperfect being- I know this all too well. The greatest thing though that I have to look forward to is that whoever decides to give this broken down, recently humbled girl a chance to be in their life will be surprised by the amount of humility that I have came into recently, they will see that I am giving my all because what is life truly about if you don't give your all anyway? Friends, spouses, family. I am looking at it all in a new light. It has taken me a long time and I am definitely not completely fixed but change must start with initiative- and that starts now.
I am diving into the unknown. Taking a leap of faith. I am humbling myself. Understanding my wrongs, and fixing them. It is amazing what a few wise words to a very selfish girl can do. Like I said before, it is a process, but step one is self reflection and admitting, step two is taking action. I think I am on a good path. :) Get it!
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Home again.
It is one of those days. Again. I just came home from Big Water. I feel like I am in this rut- and endless cycle of something I am unfamiliar with. I don't really know anyone in Cedar, still. A lot of the reason is because every weekend since I moved down here I have been gone. Between going to BW and going home to Bama, I am always gone. Not that I am complaining, trust me I am definitely not complaining ;) I just miss friends. I miss being somewhere familiar. Going to BW makes me stress-less, and then when I come home I feel anxious, regardless if I have nothing to do or I have a ton to do. Its almost a feeling of looking forward to nothing. I have school, and I need to find a job, because my money will deplete very soon, but other than that, it is an endless cycle of work and school- and that is it. I guess that is why I am depressed when I drive home. I have no desire to be home, and when I am here, I feel nothing. So I thought about driving up to Provo today and staying up there until tomorrow afternoon. I am still thinking I may just do that. I dislike Provo, however, I like my friends, and they are there. There are too many commas in this blog,,,,,,,,,,,.
Okay, anyway. Random. I feel so awesome going out in to the desert, it makes me feel complete being down there. I was able to see more amazing things while I was there this weekend. Like a crazy full moon and a tiny flash flood. A first for me on both accounts. I have never saw a full moon through a telescope, it was nearly blinding! And the flash flood was pretty cool too! I want to see a big one soon- maybe before the monsoon season ends. I am looking forward to camping again before the season ends as well. I like to have a plan on what I will be doing and right now I lack just that. That is my issue. A-HA! I have figured it out! That is my problem, I do not have a plan for the next few weeks- I need one! I need something to look forward to, and to know when I can see some of my favorite people again.
Blah. Priorities. Responsibilities. I don't want to be an adult anymore! HAHA! So for now, I am sitting in my room, on my computer (figures, right?) doing nothing. Sad. Anywho. Just a few thoughts for now.
Until next time.
xoxo
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