Life is NEVER easy.

Life is never easy. And those who think it is, have never truly lived.

I am moving from Provo to Logan, Utah. I am excited about my move but there are things.. or rather people here in Provo that are making me want to stay. My best friend for one. I am going to miss her, my fear is that the people I am close to will forget about me, find a new friend and move on. I mean, that is how the world works. It has always been like that. I made the decision to move because I wanted to get a new start. Meet people who never knew the "big" Jenna. They only know the normal size Jenna.. the active Jenna.. and who knows, maybe I would meet someone in the process. Get married.. have that life. There have been a couple of opportunities lately that I wanted to peruse, but my move is making that VERY difficult. Moving to Logan, so far from everyone is changing everything. I have asked myself why I made that decision.. and it wasn't so much me, but my father in heaven. I received a prompting to go, to get out of Provo. So I have the summer to finish up here with work and school. It should be interesting. I have a feeling I am going to be pretty busy. 


My heart is telling me one thing but my head is telling me another. I don't know what to do. So I was told, "Let's just have fun this summer.." So that is what I am going to do. My last summer in Provo, and then on to Logan I go. I have a friend that will be going on a mission soon. I am so sad about it! It breaks my heart that I will not see him for two years. SO much can happen in two years, and neither he or I will be the same person when he comes home. But I plan on writing him as much as he wants me to. Every week, every 2 weeks, every month. Whatever he wants, I want to keep constant contact. He is the closest person I have been to, that is going on a mission now. I have had friends go, but nothing like this. So I am sad. But you know, serving the lord comes first- and I am so proud that he made that decision to go. It is a big sacrifice. But he is not going for about a year anyway.. maybe a little less. He does not want me going to Logan. That was such a hard thing to hear, because it makes me not want to go- at least until he leaves for his mission.. :( I am not going to think about all of the sad things this summer, it is all about having fun, getting to know people, and sometimes there is a cherry on top.


I started at Book X Change in Orem two weeks ago, and I really love it there. It was super chill until finals- we have been pretty slammed and I see it only getting worse. So I have been on my feet a lot the past couple of days. My back is killing me with the amount of books I am carrying. My co workers are "rawr"-ing at me as well.. Oh me. Then they laugh.. it has been an interesting week to say the least. 


I posted this on Facebook last night.. just to give you of what a normal day with my best friend is:


"What Mariah has done tonight: Talked in a low voice with a lisp, gnawed on Melanie's face as if she didn't have teeth, pointed at us with her toes, laughed in the hallway and I thought she peed on herself... it was just drool though, laughed hysterically at air (she is still doing that), tried to mimic a crazy persons face and walk in the hallway while staring at me in my bedroom.. although she was laughing too hard by this point to even complete that task, went into the bathroom, said "Damn it!" really loud.. then came in my room and tried to personally take out my hair extensions, fell on top of me trying to grab my hair, rubbed her face on my shoulder like a cat, directed the nutella jar with a butter knife, started eating Nutella..figured she couldn't get anymore Nutella with the butter knife so she attempted to lick the jar, when that didn't work she asked for a pair of scissors, then asked Melanie if she wanted any HAHAHAHA hit me in the shoulder with her pony tail/bun and then said "Hey! She's not the devil Momma!".. oh and last but not least.. tried to dry her arm pits with her flailing hands. dear lord.


Mariah: "Thats awesome. I would like to reward you with 5 minutes of uninterrupted eye contact..." then proceeds to stare at me."


Yep. HAHAHA. It has been very interesting living with her. I love it, and I am really sad to leave. I mean how many fun nights like that can I have? But then I thought, I really need to finish school so, not having my closest friends around except when I come down on the weekends might not be a bad idea. That will give me a chance to finish up as quickly as I can. I will be taking some semesters off, every two. Just because my Pell and Loans will only pay for 2 a year, not 3. So the Summers I will take off, and go in the Fall and Spring, and finish at Utah State University. I will be an AGGIE!!! I really do love that school. I am excited to start there. 


Oh quick update.. as you can see I have lost a lot... but the big number is that I have lost 86 pounds since I moved here. YAY!


Anyway, that is as much of an update as I can give for time being. Until next time.


xoxo

Old Feelings, New Places.

I know most of you who follow my blog know about the guy who stole someones pictures of a man and his daughter, told everyone it was him and his daughter. Told countless girls that he was a widower and active LDS. He told so many details... so many lies. Every morning about 6 am he would call me to wake me up... he would tell me how beautiful I was, and how excited he and "Sadie" were to meet me. He made all of these plans with me.. he led me on for two weeks. The morning that he finally told me the truth my world crashed. I cried for hours.. days. For someone to use someone else's life to lure girls in just for their own self satisfaction is not just wrong but it is damaging. As time went on, I thought very little of "Clark", who's name is actually Isaac, and his little girl "Sadie".  Last night I found out that not only was the man in the pictures a good friend of a girl friend of mine, but his little girl is actually "Sadie".  My friend messaged him on Facebook and explained everything that happened, gave him links, phone numbers, pictures and every detail of how his identity was basically being stolen. I was so happy that the real guy in the pictures finally knew what was going on.. I left her house last night feeling off though. Today has been a particularly rough day with pain and what not, but not only that, I can't get the pictures off of my mind. To be honest, I am jealous of his wife's life. I think honestly that is what it boils down to. That is the life that I want so badly. Just to be happy with someone, with a family. That is all I have ever wanted. 


So this guy Isaac is sick in the head, and I hope he pays for what he has done to not only the family he stole pictures from, but myself and other girls of the like. It is so sad that someone can use your own heart against you. I moved to Utah to get out of whatever life I was in, but honestly I have never been treated like I have been treated here. I have never had a guy disrespect me  as much as I have been disrespected here by multiple guys. They get into your head, talk down to you, and the saddest part of it all is that they gain your trust by using the Gospel as a crutch. I was warned about Provo, but I was naive and I didn't listen.... it is time to start listening. So I am moving. I am applying to two different colleges: Utah State University in Logan, Utah, and Southern Utah University in Cedar City. I am seeing which one I get accepted to, and then that is where I will go. I know Logan gets colder in the winter and is a really nice area, and I also have a friend and his wife that live there that can kinda show me around.. (hopefully), but living expenses are more there. Then in Cedar City, it is easier to get into the college, living expenses are cheaper but I do not know anyone that lives there right now. The friends I did have moved to Pennsylvania so it would be me starting over, yet again. I could rent a U-Haul and load all of my stuff up and make the 3 hour drive down there and just make it work. 


All I want is happiness. I want a husband and a family. Finding it in Provo is not going to happen. So it is time to leave. A year and a half later, and I am giving up in this area. I think a smaller town will be better for me anyway, I am from a small town so I should be able to adjust pretty well. My mind is made up that in the fall I am leaving, but the direction is still up in the air. 


I started at a bookstore that works with UVU, and right now I am working 30-40 hours a week which is nice. I do have an interview at Maurices tomorrow at 3, just to see what kind of pay they would offer me and it is an assistant manager position. So we will see what happens. I really like the book store to be honest, but I don't know what is going to happen. I think I am going to the Temple tonight with my friend Jaelynn so I will pray about what I should do while I am there. Anyway..  I have a lot of decisions to make lately and I really need the help from my Heavenly Father, and the support from my friends and family about my decisions. Putting everyone's more selfish feelings of wanting me to stay (I am the same way when friends move away) but I have to do this for me or I will never grow. I have been at a standstill for about a year, and now that my surgery is out of the way, as long as I can deal with the pain in my leg I should do just fine. Wish me luck!!!


xoxo

Done.

So since I have lived in my new apartment I have been dealing with an issue with my roommates. I loved them as people but their actions broke many of the Honor Code Rules of BYU Approved Housing (which is where I live) After countless times of finding alcohol in the fridge (which if the RA's found out I could get evicted, but not only that blamed for buying underage girls alcohol- which means jail time) I decided to take matters into my own hands. I emailed the Landlord of the apartments.. it goes as follows:


Nina,

Since moving into the Branbury, I have lived in 4 different apartments. One of which I never had roommate issues. The first time was because of a roommate going into my room, lying ect.. the second time was a cleanliness issue.. but never did I think that living in BYU housing I would experience what I am now.

I chose BYU housing because of the LDS standards that are here, however two of my current roommates fail in that area. Here are my concerns:

Day 3 of me being in the hospital for my surgery (2/18) a party was thrown. Alcohol was involved, and not only that the people participating in the drinking were all under age, my two roommates Bella and Morgan both 18, and a roommates friend who was 17. I have 2 witnesses of what happened, one being my other roommate Margari and my Mother, who was staying here while I was recovering and just sleeping in my bed because of a lack of sleeping areas at the hospital. (This was pre approved through the Branbury if there were questions about it)

I do not appreciate alcohol in my apartment, more specifically because of the honor code that was signed by all of us. Now, I am not perfect, but in no way shape or form would I ever allow something like this if I were home. Not only did it break the honor code, the Branburys rules, but it also broke the law.

My roommate Bella, invites her sister over often, and she usually brings alcohol into the apartment. Multiple times I have found an un opened case of beer or other types of alcohol in my fridge. If the cops were to have been called because of the noise from the party, my mother and Margari would have paid the price when neither were involved in any of it.

They risked not just themselves, but myself, Margari and my Mother from getting into trouble with the law and possible eviction.

I have spoke with my Bishop (Bishop Hazen) about the situation already, and he knows about the alcohol in the apartment and the party. I was trying to keep the peace because I was friends with these girls. I am much older than they are, and I would rather just live here and work, because that is what I need, but enough is enough. I moved here for a safe haven because non-byu housing does not offer that. Bella is wanting to re sign her contract, but I do not want to live with someone who discards the honor code (and breaks the law) constantly, and Morgan who does the same. Morgan is gone most of the time, but when she is here it is constant drama and she would be the one who allowed her 17 year old friend to come and "party".  When Morgan was confronted about the party she got very angry.

My request is not to move apartments, because this is not my problem, I have moved enough, but have the problem removed from the apartment. I know this may sound extremely religious, but the spirit does not reside here anymore, and my spirituality and sanity are suffering because of it. There are many more problems but most do not breach the honor code.

I will be coming in at 10AM to speak with someone as well, I do not know what else to do other than to email you. I just wanted you to be aware of the situation before I came in to speak with someone.

Thank you for your concern.

Jenna




So after sending this letter, filling out a report, as well as Margari, Mariah and my Mom- the girls were sent a letter for eviction. They both instantly blamed Mariah and myself. I was confronted today from Morgan, she said that if I had a problem with her I should have came to her, but the thing is, and I told her this, that Margari said to her the next day that she didn't want alcohol in the apartment and she told her that she paid rent and she would do what ever the hell she wanted. Wrong. I moved to BYU housing to be free of crap like that. I told her that if she wanted to play the part of an adult then she needed to act like one, and quit putting us all at risk of losing our apartment. We talked (I talked at her basically) for about 30 minutes. Finally she was done and walked away. 


Then I had a meeting with Nina the landlord and my bishop and basically it sounded like this was my fault.. that I was at fault too. I was SO upset after meeting with my bishop, and while walking home I twisted my ankle, fell and hurt my toe, and back (like I need another back injury).. When I walked in the door, music was blaring that was "F this, F that" and I asked Bella to turn it down, she ignored me. I asked her a 3rd time, and she turned around and said, "Don't F*****g talk to me". I flipped out, it turned into a screaming match. She is a child.. a immature child with a LOT to learn. She is a home wrecker- sleeping with married men, and having relations with women as well, she still does drugs, she still drinks.. and the thing is she says she is repentant.. everyone says that. Amazing that she called Mariah and I "Bitches" as we were walking out the door. I confronted her about that too. I was so mad.. I almost hit her.. it was all I could do in my power not to hit her. She is a liar and a manipulator- she has everyone fooled except for me. 


But I got my way, and she is out. I hope she reads this, I really do. I recorded while she was screaming and cussing. it was fantastic haha. Oh well. If she slips up one more time, she is out. I hope she does, I hope she slips up so bad that no one can hide it for her. 


This is bitter I know.. but I don't care. I hate disrespectful people. So that was my day.. full of drama drama drama.  It is time to go to bed, but I just wanted this on my blog.. whew.


xoxo

"You're looking frail..."

My confidence is coming back.. slowly, but surely. I am thankful for it..  I was so confident before Tim and I were married, and then once he left, and I moved out here, well you can say that I was shy. My confidence was nearly gone. I felt like I had let myself go, and I was oblivious until people in Utah pointed out the fact that I was fat, and much bigger than all of my friends. The people that are my friends now, please do not let me change. I do not want to be cocky, I just want the confidence I once had back. So I am going on a date this week, which will be nice! It is about time. I am getting more attention from guys here as well. It always makes you feel good for a guy to tell you that you look pretty, or ask if you have lost weight, and in my case, I have lost 70 lbs since I moved to Utah. Amazing right? Here is a quick before and after. 

The pants that I was wearing in the picture were a size 24. This is what they now look like on. A side note: The bottom picture was after I repeatedly pulled the pants up about 10 times. lol

 I feel fantastic, other than the medical issues I keep having. But this is a happy blog, and I can't dwell on the pain- Ill never smile if I do. You can really see the weight loss in my face and neck.. 

Rob told me I looked frail as in that part of my body.. he makes sure I know what parts are getting smaller. LOL. I am super thankful for my friends though. They have been there for me through thick and thin and I am forever grateful for them. Even when I am acting like a brat, they are by my side. 

Anyway, it is 2:37 AM and I really need to go to bed.. I am headed back to the back specialist tomorrow.. and I am praying for a quick and painless "whatever" they decide to do.

Good night :)

xoxo

My Breaking Point

I am beyond aggravated. I told my boss's that the minimum day that I would come back after my surgery was the 29th of February because that would be the earliest the doctor would release me. Depending on complications during or after the surgery, my healing time could be spread out. Since my surgery I have been dealing with my back. I have a bulging disk that is pressing on my sciatic nerve. It causes my back to hurt and my leg to feel like it is being shredded open with a hot knife. The pain is unlike that of anything I have felt before. I have been trying to go back to work since the 29th, but have been unable to. I am running out of money.. and I can not pay my bills. They act like I am just out having a hay day.. I am in more pain than I can put into words. So week before last, I went to work on Thursday, but I couldn't sit for a long period of time because of my leg so after 2.5 hours I went home. On Friday, I went to physical therapy, then I was sent to a spine doctor. He decided to do a spinal injection.. which I might add was the most painful thing I have been through in a long time (that was physician induced). After which I was given a shot of demerol and sent home. I was home for a grand total of 10 minutes before I passed out cold and hit the kitchen floor. I ended up in the back of an ambulance. By Monday I was feeling pretty good but still needed to take the week off to let my back and nerve root heal from the procedure. This past Monday I was going back to work. I felt good, but on Saturday I got sick from something I ate (Good ol dumpings syndrome) and stayed sick until Sunday.. by 1 am Monday morning I was puking my guts out. Needless to say Monday, I was at home again. I started a period on Sunday as well, but this isn't a normal period, no, this is a period from hell. You see, I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS for short- and in the past 7 years I have missed a total of 80 periods. My body is now trying to make up for everything... I ended up at my primary care physicians office on Tuesday and now I am on pain killers. Great. I can't get off the narcotics! It is making me SO angry because I can't do anything for myself when I am on them, I have lost my self control it feels like.. So finally I decide I am going back to work today.. I am still cramping but not like I was (I was doubled over in pain, laying in the fetal position crying for over an hour), so off to work I go.. right? WRONG. I am awake at 5 am with the same pain that put me in the hospital in the first place.. in my leg. If he killed off the nerve root then WHY am I hurting now? I can barely walk.. I am so sleepy but I can't lay down, I can't stand, and I can barely sit for more than 5 minutes because I am hurting SO bad. Then I call work, they have no idea how aggravated I am.. its like they think I am skipping work for the fun of it. I have given them doctors note after doctors note.. and I can give them more, but they ask me to fax them all to  them for this past week. Why can't they just wait? Why do I have to go out of my way, in pain to make them happy? Honestly, I am done. They said they would work with me... they are accepting my notes, but my one manager has been short and rude with me since the whole ordeal started. Do they think that I want this??? HELL NO. All I want is to feel better.. I just want to feel normal. I can deal with the stomach thing, but my ovaries, my back and my leg?? I don't know what I did to deserve this... I don't know what I am doing wrong but.. I need a break. I am really close to just moving home again. Because then I don't have to worry about someone getting pissed off at me because I am in pain, because I can't walk, sit or stand. 


I just want to feel better.. Is that too much to ask? So now I am going to attempt to take a shower, then I am going to call my back doctor and get him to fix this... I can't take much more.

Aggravated? Crazy? Maybe both?

Since this past Friday, I have been ill. VERY ill. I feel like everyone is asking me too many questions. No I don't feel better, I can't get out and have fun like everyone else because I don't feel good, I don't have the money to do anything because I can't go back to work. I can NOT get out in the sun, so quit freaking asking. I have a SUN allergy and no amount of sunscreen stoops the itching, and I am not going to suffer through it just to hang out in the sun. I feel like I am rotting away in my apartment, I want to get out, and I want to feel better.. It seems like it is so much more of a burden for everyone else- I am a burden on everyone else. I have not battled depression since I joined the church but since my surgery, yeah, I am dealing with it again. I don't want help from anyone, I don't need help from anyone. 


To the guy who thinks because we had one "hang out" (NOT A DATE), we are not in a relationship, quit freaking texting me. Please for the love of all that is holy, take a hint! I don't want to be mean, but I may have to. 


I don't feel good.. okay. I just don't feel good. And I am to the point that I feel like I am losing my mind. And to top it all off, I am getting harassed on a daily basis to start indexing. I do not want to index... I have NO desire to index. I do tons of work for deceased people in the temple, I do not need to index every waking moment that I am sitting at home. I am so out of it I don't even crochet or read anymore (which are two of my favorite things to do). Not to mention, I can't even log in to Family Search because for some unknown reason I have TWO record numbers. I am LOCKED out of the system, please stop asking me to index. 


I really feel like I am losing it. I do not want to feel this way. I have nearly completely stopped reading my scriptures, I am not praying like I used to either. I need help.. I am begging for help but I am tired of people telling me what they think I should do to fix things. Its like I want help but I don't want help at the same time. People in general are getting on my nerves. 


I know this blog is all over the place.. I am on my medicine and it makes my judgment cloudy and my thoughts scattered. I hate this feeling. I just want normalcy. If there even is such a thing. 

Of all the things I know, this is one I know to be true.

I have had something weighing on my heart today.. I need to get it out. 


Being a Christian means taking upon yourself the name of Christ.. living as he would, and following his lead. That is what I do, every day. I remember him, I love him.. he is truly my best friend. I follow his word.. from his ministry before his crucifixion to his ministry after he rose again. In the East and in the Americas, he came to us to feel prints in his hands, feet and side. He knows us individually, and he loves us so much. I am a Christian, I am a person who loves my savior and my father in heaven blesses me so much every day because of my dedication to him. 


I have been given trials for a reason, and although I am still trying to figure out why, I am grateful for them- and I know that heavenly father is mindful of me. He will never forget me. He will give me guidance and direction through the holy ghost... and through the words of the prophet today, I will know exactly what I need to do. 


In the end of it all, it will be worth it. Then, when it is all said and done, I will be able to hug my savior and my father in heaven. We must endure to the end... no matter how hard it is because the outcome will be very worth it. I imagine that day, to see my saviors face.. how great it will be. Until then, I will serve him, and tell the world of him. The joy I have in my heart exceeds any happiness I have ever known and it is because I have a personal relationship with my savior. 


I am a member of the Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter Day Saints. I am a Mormon, a Christian, a daughter of god, a sister to Christ, a follower of the Savior, a faithful servant to the Father..  and I know I have a place in heaven. I know I will see my family again some day. ..and I know that Christ lives. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, and that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God today. I know that my church is the true church of Jesus Christ on the earth today, and I am so thankful to be a member, and to know the gospel in its fullness. I am thankful for the truth that I have.


The sprit has been so strong for me today. I just needed to get this out.


xoxo