I hate things I can not control. Well I suppose I can control a little bit of it, but for the most part it is not my decision that affects anything. I become overly involved and then feel this bottomless pit created in my heart when things start to go sour. I feel like my chest is empty. It is a very confusing feeling... very lost. I just want to start something, have it to last through the eternities. Sometimes I feel like it will never happen, other times I have more faith- today is not a day for full faith for me though. Today is a day that I am sitting here in utter confusion. Wondering what events that I had control over brought me to this point. I wish I could fix everything that I have ever done wrong, I wonder where my life would be. Who I would be. Never learning that is for sure. You have to make mistakes to learn anything- you learn and move on, that is just how it works.
So now, I am sitting here with my coffee pondering the day and what is to come. Yes coffee... sue me. I just don't know how to handle this. I don't know where to go, and when my confusion will end. I need to talk to someone... anyone that I can spill everything to and not worry about repercussion. I need to learn how to deal with what I am going through, because I will tell you one thing right now, I am NOT handling it well. I am not handling it like I should. I may seem calm on the outside, but inside, my soul is screaming. I am trying to contain every emotion that I have that is scraping to get out. I just want to be happy... and I was. And no, its not like someone died, or that I have lost my best friend, but it feels like that for time being. I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my emotions and desires. I need to understand better what I am doing and where I am going in my life. A part of me feels like I need to throw it all away, focus directly on school... but that will put me in a depression. I need human interaction, I need relationships that make me happy and excited for the future. At this point, that is one thing that I lack.
Calm. I need to be more calm. I need to take my own advice...
From someone who knows what that is like, it helps to remember Exodus 14:14 : "The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace."
ReplyDeleteYou aren't alone in all of this. So many feel what you feel. And there is nothing wrong with it. It's just another way for us to figure out what is the most important thing, and get us moving to find it. It is discouraging at times, yes, but you have to push through. It might feel like it never ends, and that it is all darkness with no hope, but it will!