My Battle.

I am finding myself getting very discouraged. I have been fighting with the whole dating thing for a while and I decided that I had given myself a year and a half and it was time to date again. So I have been putting myself out there. I have never had a hard time finding dates or anything like that, and honestly I have never had to really look- but that was in Alabama. Utah is a totally different story. I have discovered that guys here are so shallow no matter what they look like, do for work ect. They could be a total bum and if a girl isn't super skinny they look the other way. I got married in the first place because I found someone I was willing to spend my life with and have children with, I wanted to be married. Tim and I divorced in August of 2010 and since then I have been just laying low until I felt comfortable with dating again. So a couple of months ago, I put myself out there. I was ready to date, and every guy that I have been the slightest bit interested in is not interested in me. I have been on ONE decent date since my divorce. One. I like to think I am a pretty girl, I have goals and aspirations.. I am a nice person. I am active in the church. I love life and my friends & family. What is wrong here? What, because I am not 100lbs soaking wet I can't get a date? I feel like I am never going to find someone that I am legitimately attracted to, to ever want me back. I have been turned down for my size a couple of different times, and to top it off, someone told me the other day that they wouldn't date someone 25. So now I'm too old? I am 25 for crying out loud! 


So, I noticed the past couple of days, I am slipping into a depression. I am not wanting to do the things I love anymore, I am having thoughts about things I shouldn't. Such as vices I gave up a long time ago. So Wednesday, hopefully I will be talking to my bishop about everything. I am just not happy. I was for so long, and still I am happier than I was in the past, but I am struggling to keep a smile on my face. It is hard seeing everyone that I am friends with dating on a weekly basis, getting engaged one right after the other and me dateless.. and feeling pretty hopeless. If I was not LDS I would still be in Alabama, and more than likely still married. But I chose an eternal happiness over my failing marriage. We could have eventually worked things out, but I let all of that go to have eternal truths in my life. 


One thing that bothers me the most is the fact that my friends, who are waiting on missionaries, who are not interested in anyone else, go on more dates than I do. I guarantee I know why.. because they are skinny. It all boils down to guys being superficial here. I think I am a great choice for anyone. I am an amazing person, at least I think I am. So what I am doing is this: I am getting a life threatening surgery to lose weight. I am doing it for health reasons too,  and that is a big reason why I am getting it done, but the other that pushed me to get it done quickly is the fact that until I lose weight I do not have a snowball's chance in hell at a decent date, with someone I am attracted to. I don't want to settle for anyone, I don't deserve that. I deserve to find someone that I think is handsome, who has a good job, a good personality and who actually loves me. Its kinda sad that I am resorting to surgery though. So sometime between the end of december and the beginning of January I will be getting Gastric Bypass surgery. I pray that I lose enough that someone will at least look at me as being a potential match for them. 


I have cried so much about this lately. People look at me like I am diseased or something. It does not help that I am a divorced convert to the church. If guys would only take a minute to find out why I am divorced they would probably think differently of me in that aspect. I am tired of being alone. I want a family.. I want someone to want me like I want them.  I don't normally post things like this but I am falling so quickly into a depression I just felt like it would help if I blogged about how I have been feeling lately. 


I keep praying about my situation, and I keep feeling that I need to be patient. I am okay with that, but so many of my friends are getting married, are already married and starting families... and I want that too. I long for that companionship. But alas, I am a hopeless cause until I lose weight. I think that is my only option.