The Truth

Sometimes I often wonder what is wrong with me. Why do I fail at some of the most important things that life has to offer? I have loved, and lost.. loved again.. and lost again. So I hold myself back. I hold back until I can't any more. I didn't want to feel this way. I decided to wait. Wait until I was in a better position to let myself become that person. But things happen, we will never know when, or why. And most of the time, it is not meant for us to know. I admit, I was vulnerable. Because my capacity to be a good wife had stretched so much, and I couldn't take any more. I fell out of love. Between bending over backwards, and struggles that I was not in a position to deal with, the love I had left. It was a love that I had drempt about my whole life. I thought for sure this time, I had found it. I think I was so in love with the idea of love, I was blinded and what I thought was undying true love, was no where near close. I didn't want to say it before. But I can't lie about a truth so huge. Don't get me wrong. It was a real love. It was the love that I knew existed before, just a little stronger this time. But all the things that I expected to feel, I never did. I made up excuses, but still, there was nothing that he could do or say to make it right. It just wasn't there. The realization started to come shortly after the vows, and I became a closed person. I was sad. I didn't know what to think or what to say. I just knew it hurt, because I knew I settled. I don't want to settle. I won't settle. I want to be that person that makes someones life worth while. I want to be the person that changes how someone thinks about love and what it means. I want that feeling of butterflies and the queasy stomach that only comes from love. I think I have became afraid of it. If I feel it, it is never right. Its like my heart is confused. I know what I want, but an undying love like that is hard to come by. I just don't know how I will ever know when it is right. Every time I have thought, yes, this is it.. I was dead wrong. I thought I was right.. I knew I was right. But the feeling of being completely wrong leaves me feeling hopeless. I feel hopeless. I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach over and over. Somethings are not meant to work out, but I thought for sure that in that category, all of that was over. Why can't I be good enough? I am not the best at everything, Im not the prettiest, or the skinniest. I don't know all that I should, I needed a kick start for my life. My family has always been broken. I was a step child all my life. I have moved around from state to state, and never had my roots settled in. I know I am a little scatter brained most of the time, but trying to pick of the shattered pieces of my life is hard.. and I struggle with it. But I am making it. I am always told how great I am, how I am the person in peoples lives that helps them pick up the messes they make, and I am the one people can talk to. I am the good friend, the best friend, the spiritual friend who gives good advice. But honestly I don't know how I will ever get out of that circle. Its vicious. I want to be the good friend, but not with everyone. I am ready for that step.. that is why I got married in the first place. I am ready to find that person that can melt every worry away, the person who can make me feel like I am the only person in this world. I just don't know if something like that is within my reach. Its like its at my fingertips, but just out of my grasp. I wish I could turn the wrong feelings off. Just make them go away. I hate having the right feelings for the wrong person. It is by far the worst feeling in the world. A start of something great, with someone who is less than halfway there. I feel like I have built up for feelings like those, then they go to waste. Complete and utter waste. I hate myself for doing this. I hate it. I can't make myself just forget. You'd think I would learn from the last time. But I don't, because my heart is reckless and will not be controlled by my logical brain. All matters would seem easy if I could control my emotions like very other normal person. Normalcy. I dont even know what that is anymore. I am not sure that is even in my vocabulary. I didn't mean to seem out of place in this situation, but I kind of feel like I made everyone feel awkward. And that is the last thing I wanted. I need something.. I don't know what. Something to make me forget about the stupid decisions I have made, and the wrong words that I have said. I hate being alone.. this is what happens. I think. Too drastically I make up my mind about things, and right now that is NOT what I need. I don't need to make any rash decisions, more specifically ones I would regret. I have to keep my head level. But how? How do I go about smoothing things out.. making them right again? I get online every day, and someone adds me as a friend.. usually someone friends with someone I know.. and the message is the same every time, "I thought you were beautiful.. I had to say hi." wow. That makes me feel amazing, too bad they have no teeth, live at home at 35 and no plans to do anything with their life. I deserve better. I seem to attract the worst.. as far as standards go. Maybe my standards are too high. But lowering the bar means I settle right? I just don't know what to think or do anymore.. I don't know how to keep my self at bay with my emotions, more specifically when I know it is someone who never thought twice about the concept of me. I feel like I have so much to give.. but its all wasting away on the wrong person, the wrong idea. I just don't know what to say anymore. i guess I could apologize. But how do you apologize for something that you had no control over? I don't know how to make myself understand....