Human Emotion.

I was looking at a list of the most powerful photos ever taken. Not only are the photos moving and beautiful, I also find that the emotion that is shown hits me to the core of my soul. We as human beings develop attachments to people, regardless if they are family or acquaintances. It is in our nature to love one another, to recognize hurt and pain and want to fix it, even if it is just a smile.

It is beautiful to me how we as a people can come together, to love one another regardless of our differences. I need to look past petty things myself, and look at the bigger picture. I mean, no one gets out alive anyway, might as well love one another as best as we can for as long as we can.

I am the type of person that tends to get overly attached to people I shouldn't. Something inside of me screams "LOVE THIS PERSON!" and so I do. I am never going to apologize for loving the people around me, even if I know they will hurt me in the end. From friends to potential mates for myself, I open my heart up entirely too quickly. But, in a sense, I am not ashamed. It may be naive... or stupid. I may know better.. but I don't care. That is who I am... I love people! I love to be around them, to know what they know, to understand the way they think. To learn them.

Human emotion is so strong- stronger than anything on this earth. It is what makes or breaks every decision we make in our lives. No matter how hard something may seem, anything is possible if you have the will and drive for it.

This was just something that was on my mind tonight, that I felt was appropriate for my blog.

Until next time.

xoxo

Politics. Here we go.

I posted this on Facebook, but felt it would be more appropriate for my blog. Enjoy my political rant for a moment. :)

Next time I hear someone say "Oh you just voted for Romney because he is Mormon.." I am going to snap. What I am about to say is no different than what you cray crays that think I am part of a cult and or brainwashed because I am Mormon have said to me. So don't come flying off the handle about how I am racist or a holy roller. I have an opinion and because my news feed has been blasted with crap for the past few months- I am going to take the time and post my opinion, you know, while I still can.

How about you guys look at the exit polls. If you guys wanna throw out racism and the like, look at this : Black males for Obama-88% Romney-11% Black women for Obama-96% Romney-3%. This may be offensive to some- and if it is, delete me. I could care less. But what the hell is that? You are going to tell me that you voted for the idiot because he is BLACK? I actually always vote republican (yes it is a perk that he is Mormon in my opinion but only because he utilizes his relationship with GOD in his daily tasks- he could be protestant for all I care as long as he at least has a relationship with God), and had Obama been republican then I am sure people would have still voted on him based solely on his skin color. Give me a break.

Oh I also want to point out that people with a lower education status (not college graduates and above) voted more for Obama than Romney. Thats right.. lets just let the government give us money so we can dip more into a recession because people are too damn lazy to get a real education and work for what they have.

I would like to take your minds back to this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpAOwJvTOio

I rest my case.

Control

I hate things I can not control. Well I suppose I can control a little bit of it, but for the most part it is not my decision that affects anything. I become overly involved and then feel this bottomless pit created in my heart when things start to go sour. I feel like my chest is empty. It is a very confusing feeling... very lost. I just want to start something, have it to last through the eternities. Sometimes I feel like it will never happen, other times I have more faith- today is not a day for full faith for me though. Today is a day that I am sitting here in utter confusion. Wondering what events that I had control over brought me to this point. I wish I could fix everything that I have ever done wrong, I wonder where my life would be. Who I would be. Never learning that is for sure. You have to make mistakes to learn anything- you learn and move on, that is just how it works.

So now, I am sitting here with my coffee pondering the day and what is to come. Yes coffee... sue me. I just don't know how to handle this. I don't know where to go, and when my confusion will end. I need to talk to someone... anyone that I can spill everything to and not worry about repercussion. I need to learn how to deal with what I am going through, because I will tell you one thing right now, I am NOT handling it well. I am not handling it like I should. I may seem calm on the outside, but inside, my soul is screaming. I am trying to contain every emotion that I have that is scraping to get out. I just want to be happy... and I was. And no, its not like someone died, or that I have lost my best friend, but it feels like that for time being. I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my emotions and desires. I need to understand better what I am doing and where I am going in my life. A part of me feels like I need to throw it all away, focus directly on school... but that will put me in a depression. I need human interaction, I need relationships that make me happy and excited for the future. At this point, that is one thing that I lack.

Calm. I need to be more calm. I need to take my own advice...

Unknown.

Something has got to give. I'd give absolutely anything to just feel content... every time I think everything is okay I am blind sided again. I don't even know what to expect anymore, and I am tired of guessing. I hate the unknown.

The Cat, The Loft, The Advisor.

I haven't been in the mood to write anything funny in a while. Most of the time a good old fashioned rant will do the trick, but I have been in this "deep" mode. I don't know what the shit that is about. It needs to stop. Like yesterday.

Anyway. So school started back, that is fun. Draining the life right out of me- with my professors keeping us off topic and talking about the most random shit you have ever heard, this semester has been deemed the most interesting semester of my life. 3 more to go and I will be done. THANK GOD!

Dude, I am officially a Junior. What is this? Where does the time go? I have one year left? Really!? Crazy! It feels good though, and I am ready to be done. I moved into a sweet apartment until I graduate. It is looking like May 2014 is my graduation time. Finally. :) I am staying motivated though- at least I am trying. I am not going to lie, I get knocked off the path quite frequently but I jump right back on.

There is a cat outside.. okay, random right? Skinny, baby factory recently removed and she love love loves my roommate Cadence. Of course she feeds her. So she comes back, over and over. Its technically our cat that is not our cat. Shh.

I have a loft in my house.. well every room has a loft technically. I thought about putting a twin up there.. not like a twin child, no. I am talking a twin bed. I can see myself up there all happy n shit and roll my ass right off onto the floor. Its a nice 7 foot drop... possibly more. I could break a couple bones I am sure. But needless to say the loft is pretty awesome for things, you know other than sleeping... I appreciate the architecture in this house. It is nice.

I completely swapped my diet to vegan a few weeks back. It has been a crazy change. I am like Martha Stewart knitting, crocheting, and cooking stuff on a regular basis. "ITS SMOOTHIE TIME BITCHES!" Gosh I have always wanted to say that out loud! haha Anyway, my smoothies are officially as good as Cec's. Thank you very much, I have mastered the art. I am proud... :) I learn from the best I suppose!

My roommates are pretty awesome, I kinda lucked out. They are all super chill however I am the oldest- which feels strange. I mean hell.. I am only 26. But, alas.. 26 means it is you know family time. I should be like a mom or something right? Something along those lines... it is coming eventually. Be patient Jenna... patience is a virtue, right? Yeah.

This blog is so random tonight, I guess pouring random things out just feels completely necessary tonight. I need someone to piss me off to the point that I base an entire blog just about them, without of course, ever saying their name. Oh the joys of the internet.

Class is at 8:30 in the morning.. Forensic Science. Why? Why you ask? I will tell you why, because my advisor said "WE REALLY NEED TO GET YOU IN THAT CLASS!!" Who the hell knows why exactly, however, who am I to question him? He knows best... I think.  So bed time was an hour ago, but I had a wild hair to go to walmart. Which means bed time is now.. so I am done. Good night.

Until next time.
xoxo

Taking Initiative.

Life is about changing. It is about adapting ourselves to change in the world without compromising our values and loves. I have been one to adapt too much. In fear of not gaining acceptance from whoever I am around. I would and still do adapt entirely and I tend to lose myself. I had a really good friend help me to look at my life in a different way. Regardless if he meant to cause this rift in myself, it happened, and I am thankful for it.

I picked up bad habits again- I did so good for so long. And I thought that it was over when I was in Bama, but when I got home, it kicked in again. I don't know if it was stress, school, being back in Bama and being completely stressed out, or just a mere want for something I had an addiction to. But regardless, I knew it was something I needed to fix- I just didn't want to. I felt like one day I will, or tomorrow works. But that is just procrastination. I needed to do something TODAY. So I did. And I can honestly say it stressed me out, but at the same time, I know the benefits and blessings from doing so. I am fixing myself, to become the best person I can be. It has been a long process, as this isn't the start- however, it is the first time I have took initiative and went in head first to tackle this cloud around myself. Its like my addictions were taunting me. Constantly in my ear whispering most of the time, screaming other times that I am weak, that I can't do this without them, no one will accept me, no one could love me, and I need outside support from my addictions to make things right. I knew all along that this was very wrong. Very very wrong. But yet, I would give in and each time I did I knew that I was becoming just a little bit weaker when I would go to tackle it in the future. Well the past few days I have taken a step back and analyzed my life and what I am doing and where I am going. I can't progress towards my happiness with bad things holding me back. No one can. I was on a leash, and I cut it off this morning. I feel free.

There are a lot of things we as human beings do in life that may not be good for us, depending on who we talk to. Then there are things that are not good for us regardless who we talk to. We all know they are wrong, yet we fall into this vicious cycle and it is nearly impossible to get out- that is until we make a conscious decision to just blind side the addiction or problem and tackle it with full force- and no warning. I find that if we do that, then it is easier to say no to whatever it is, but that doesn't make it easy completely. No matter what we do as a habit, it is a habit because it is easy, it brings us temporary self satisfaction, and we justify it. If we tackle a habit and just wash our hands clean of it, it brings us closer to the things that we actually want to do in life, and we are not held back.

I have had a few days of self reflection to come to the conclusions that I have. I have been thinking about the future and what I need to do to be happy- and make the people around me equally happy. Now, I am not saying that I have the ability to make everyone happy, because there will be people that will never be happy no matter what you do for them, but at least I can say that I tried. I want happiness just like anyone else. I want to be able to look someone straight in the eye and say, no my life may not be perfect, but at least I am happy. I was able to say that before, but was it real? Was it happiness that I fabricated? Or was it true happiness because in my world all was right, I had tried to fix my wrongs and build up the bridges that I have burned?

This is a process. It was never meant to be easy. Life is hard, and no one ever gets it completely right. But you know, that is the amazing part of being a human. We are forgiving, we can be humble, and we can look past the wrongs to see the good in anything. I am forgiving myself for the stupid things I have done, I am forgiving my past wrong-doers that have hurt me, I am forgiving of my family that may have done wrong in the past that affected me, but most importantly I am telling myself with full honesty that I know I am not perfect, I make mistakes, but that is what makes the atonement so great. I know that my father in heaven has forgiven me already, but we are always harder on ourselves. I need to quit worrying so much about every little thing, and everything that I may have done in the past that hinders my mind and my decisions now. I am an imperfect being- I know this all too well. The greatest thing though that I have to look forward to is that whoever decides to give this broken down, recently humbled girl a chance to be in their life will be surprised by the amount of humility that I have came into recently, they will see that I am giving my all because what is life truly about if you don't give your all anyway? Friends, spouses, family. I am looking at it all in a new light. It has taken me a long time and I am definitely not completely fixed but change must start with initiative- and that starts now.

I am diving into the unknown. Taking a leap of faith. I am humbling myself. Understanding my wrongs, and fixing them. It is amazing what a few wise words to a very selfish girl can do. Like I said before, it is a process, but step one is self reflection and admitting, step two is taking action. I think I am on a good path. :) Get it!

Home again.

It is one of those days. Again. I just came home from Big Water. I feel like I am in this rut- and endless cycle of something I am unfamiliar with. I don't really know anyone in Cedar, still. A lot of the reason is because every weekend since I moved down here I have been gone. Between going to BW and going home to Bama, I am always gone. Not that I am complaining, trust me I am definitely not complaining ;) I just miss friends. I miss being somewhere familiar. Going to BW makes me stress-less, and then when I come home I feel anxious, regardless if I have nothing to do or I have a ton to do. Its almost a feeling of looking forward to nothing. I have school, and I need to find a job, because my money will deplete very soon, but other than that, it is an endless cycle of work and school- and that is it. I guess that is why I am depressed when I drive home. I have no desire to be home, and when I am here, I feel nothing. So I thought about driving up to Provo today and staying up there until tomorrow afternoon. I am still thinking I may just do that. I dislike Provo, however, I like my friends, and they are there. There are too many commas in this blog,,,,,,,,,,,.

Okay, anyway. Random. I feel so awesome going out in to the desert, it makes me feel complete being down there. I was able to see more amazing things while I was there this weekend. Like a crazy full moon and a tiny flash flood. A first for me on both accounts. I have never saw a full moon through a telescope, it was nearly blinding! And the flash flood was pretty cool too! I want to see a big one soon- maybe before the monsoon season ends. I am looking forward to camping again before the season ends as well. I like to have a plan on what I will be doing and right now I lack just that. That is my issue. A-HA! I have figured it out! That is my problem, I do not have a plan for the next few weeks- I need one! I need something to look forward to, and to know when I can see some of my favorite people again.

Blah. Priorities. Responsibilities. I don't want to be an adult anymore! HAHA! So for now, I am sitting in my room, on my computer (figures, right?) doing nothing. Sad. Anywho. Just a few thoughts for now.

Until next time.

xoxo

Blogging on a Plane.

So I am sitting here on the plane flying back to SLC. Strange to blog like this. So many thousands of feet from the Earth I call home. My flight should arrive in SLC around 4:20 pm, and Shan-Bo is picking me up. I am so excited to see her! When I am sad all I have to do is think about her, Katt Williams and the Bangs Bitch song and I smile :) I am equally excited to go to Big Water this weekend. Yes this vacay has been fun, but was also a stressful time in Alabama. Being back home made me realize how happy I am to live so far away. Southern Utah makes my stress fade away. It is a nice feeling! 

School starts on Monday- that should make for an interesting week. I am ready to get back in the groove of things for sure. I am glad that I went home though. I am happy that I was able to spend time with my mom and my family- and see my niece and nephew. They are precious! 

So this plane is showing the Avengers.. and there are missionaries sitting behind me. I asked them what they are going to do, because technically they are still on their missions- they replied that they were going to read their scriptures. I love it! 

Ah to fly back to utah. I can't wait to see the mountains again. I have missed them. 

I had a much needed talk with my Mom while I was home- and it went so well. I am relieved. She is so accepting of me and honestly it shocks me- some people will not be that approving of my decisions in my life but you know for me the only approval I need is from God and my Mom, and I have both of them on my side. It feels amazing. 

Well that is pretty much it for now, snacks are being served and I am going to finish watching this movie.

Until next time.

xoxo

Thoughts...

Just a few thoughts for the night:

• I need to go to the gym again. I feel huge. Strange, yeah? I always feel amazing when I have a schedule, so I will get that in place once I get back to Cedar.
• I picked up two bad habits recently, and I quit them just as quickly as I picked them back up. Amazing the will power we hold inside of us. 
• I need to smile more. You never know how much a smile can help someone who has a heart full of hurt. 
• Netflix really needs to list season 3 of Sister Wives- I am just a little bit aggravated that they are taking so long.
• I am beyond ready for the holidays, however Thanksgiving may be lonely. I have yet to make plans, and I will still be in Cedar. I am not inviting myself anywhere, I will not create a burden on anyone. It may just be me, myself and I that day.
• I love the song Roslyn- Bon Iver & St. Vincent. I have had it on repeat for days. 
• I have really missed my family and friends in Alabama, but I definitely do not miss the drama that is associated with this place. I remember why I was okay to move- however it does not make living so far from my Mom any easier. I miss her like crazy.
• Speaking of my Mom, I am super happy that she is so accepting of me and my beliefs. She has made my decisions easier and she is truly an amazing person.
• For some reason, hitting the age of 26 has made me baby hungry like crazy. I know things will come in Heavenly Fathers time, however I am human and I am impatient I suppose. I want a family to call my own more than anything- I am ready to be a mom.
• I made around $100 too much last year to receive a full pell grant. Well that just sucks.
• School is starting soon, I have around 5 semesters before I graduate with my Bachelor of Science in Criminal Justice. :)
• I miss the mountains in northern Utah, but I love the red rock in southern Utah more.
• Sometimes I wonder about Logan, and what could have happened there- and then I remember all of the things that pointed to Cedar and I know that I made the right choice. It is just hard because I have no friends there, and it makes it less exciting to come back from a place where I know everyone, to somewhere I know no one. 
• I need to see a chiropractor like now. :)
• My moms little dog is going to mourn so bad when I leave, just like he did last time. I really hate that he does that, and feels so bad. I also know it is crazy to feel that way about a dog, but I grew up the past 10 years with him- its hard not to have an attachment. 
• Mostly this is a list of the things I need to do. I am content with that. 

Until next time.

xoxo

The Desires of my Soul.

Well, it is that time again. Yes, time for another fantastic blog. I praise my blogs entirely too much. It may be fantastic. The truth is I just like to write- or type for that matter. So even if it is not fantastic to anyone other than myself, as long as I get to express what I feel whenever I feel necessary, I am okay.

My mind has been racing the past couple of days, or more like the past couple months. I have a lot going on lately with my trip back to Bama, and school starting on the 27th. I have a lot to get in order this month. The good news is that my issues lately are not so much heart related as they have been in the past. I have said recently how happy I am. I am happy that I came to a decision for my life and now that my ultimate goal is in sight, I can breathe. Breathing is good, you know?

I am registered for my classes, and thankfully they are all Criminal Justice classes. I am ready to be done. Over ready to be done. I guess as far as work and school goes, work is the only thing that has me kinda stressed out. I acquired a job the Friday that I moved to Cedar, only to lose it yesterday. It was nothing that I did, it was a decision from the CEO who is in Boston to let me go because they actually "didn't need me". So that sucks. I was content, I loved my job and my boss, so this is quite unfortunate. I guess that takes a little stress off of me until school starts. Plus I wouldn't have been working the next two weeks anyway because of being in Alabama.

I am meeting up with a lot of my old friends and family to catch up. So much has changed with me in the past year and a half- and they know it. Normally I am a super open person, but I have become somewhat private as of late. My personal life is really none of anyone's business- however that doesn't mean that people will not pry. I have gotten good at avoiding questions haha.

I have made some pretty significant decisions for my life recently. I will be talking to my mom about life and the future a bit when I am home, it should be a nice conversation. I am excited about the future for myself, but I think that the worst part of everything is waiting, and not knowing. Not knowing exactly what will happen in my life. I know what I want, but the picture I have painted for myself is not necessarily what I will receive. I love the feeling of something new, something that is exciting for the soul. Anything that is pleasing to the Lord is something to be exciting over truth be told. I have been through a lot, most of the people who read my blog know that. Nothing good in life is easy, when it is then it is never good. So my faith and patience are being tested right now. I am being patient, because the Lord does things in his own time- so I wait. Smiling and calm on the outside, but on the inside I am anxious- as that comes with anything worth waiting for. I am developing a type of love in my heart that I have never known before. At times I feel like I should jump the gun and just try to speed things along, but the majority of the time my soul and the spirit remind me that good things come to those who wait. So waiting is mandatory now. Situations need to develop in favor of what my heart wants, I know that much, but I will never tell the Lord what to do. That never plays out very well.

I am getting older, yes 26 is young, I know. However, I have a desire, as most girls in their mid twenties, to have a family, to have a baby that looks like me. How amazing would that be? Nearly every friend I have has children and that is something that makes me want it more. To bring a life into this world, a miracle. I guess that is why I feel so impatient. I am patient but there are times that I feel that something of that magnitude will never happen for me. It is hard to think about having a child of my own. I know 4 or 5 pregnant friends as of right now, and I have played it out in my mind over and over, wondering why I want a family so badly and that is what it has came to. I am ready to be a mom, that is it. I can finish school any time, and I fully plan on it- however a family is something that should never be put on the back burner. I have learned that from experience. So here I am, the ripe age of 26 and for the first time in my life I can honestly say that I would be ready for that at any time from here on. It is a new feeling for me, but it was the lack of love for other people and more love for myself in the past that made me feel inadequate. I love myself yes, and I loved my ex husband, but I think that the want for a family was more him than myself. Now that I am not married I felt that desire kick in overdrive. I told one of my closest girl friends recently how I felt about it. She is nearly the only person I can tell anything like that to. Its crazy how close you get to people to be able to share the most intimate details of your soul to. November 2011 kinda changed my life, in all reality. I have been thinking about the people that I met at the end of last year and I can't help but feel so drawn to them. My comfort level around them exceeds that of anyone else. I love how the spirit works and instills that feeling of peace in my heart when I am around those who my spirit already loves.

Well now that is out. On to other things. I am staring at my fully packed suitcase, and other than the things I need to get ready with in the morning, I am all set. I am a little scared to fly- which is strange. I have been on more planes than nearly everyone I know. I guess when you become an adult you realize how precious life is, and that you need to make the most of it. I would hate for my life to be cut short before I finished all that I want to do here. I am not trying to sound morbid, but it is just a legitimate fear I have.

Well that is about all for now. I am thinking a nap is in order, because Lord knows I am not going to get any sleep on my red eye tomorrow night. I will be leaving Salt Lake at quarter to 1 am, and arrive finally in Huntsville, Alabama at 11:04 am. The next two weeks should be good, but I can tell you now that I will be ready to come home once it is all over with. I will be ready to get back down to southern Utah to relax before school starts. I need this vacation so badly. :)

Until next time.

xoxo

Life is Good.

Life is good. Oh so good. I am happier now than I have ever been in my life. Getting out of the "Bubble" in Provo did a lot of good. I didn't move to Logan like I had originally planned. I did however move to Cedar City which is about 3 hours south of Provo. I moved in to a place here where I am content for the time being until I can get up the energy to find somewhere else, as this is just temporary. But for now, I am doing well. I am all settled in and feeling good. 

Cedar is really a gorgeous place to live. I saw 4 rainbows within my first few days here. Which is way nice! You know you are having a good week when you see that many. 

I went back down to Big Water this week to spend time with my favorite people. When I come home I feel super depressed lol. It is literally in the middle of nowhere, but in the center of it all.  Nearly the same distance to Bryce, Zions, The Grand Canyon, Cottonwood Canyon.. everything. All of the major national parks. It is in the desert, hot, sandy, but also next to Lake Powell. There are a million things to do down there, and to tell the honest truth- no where on the face of this planet compares. I love it down there. So this weekend we went to the Grand Canyon North Rim. Woah! Holy hell.. I have never been that blown away by a place. The spirit around that area is awesome anyway. We froze our asses off, but we had a blast. I can not wait to go back!!

Trips like that are some that you never forget. But it's not just the place, it is the people you spend time with. 

So Friday, I am headed back to Bama for 12 days, then hopefully back top Big Water to set the semester off with a kick. Life is good... it really really is. 

Until next time. xoxo

Free.

For the first time in my life I have a set goal. A huge set goal. I know what I want and I know now what I need to do to get it. I feel so accomplished. It is true that I have been on an emotional roller coaster for a while, it sucks but hey that is life. My goal seems so clear in the distance however I am VERY aware of what I need to do to face the challenges that will come my way. It is so nice to have that goal in sight.

Time. Things take time. My goal, my aspirations, my happiness.. all are things that will take time to achieve. I am happy with the recent changes in my life and more specifically the people that have entered my life that have taught me more than any book I could ever read. People who put an extra ripple in the pool of life.

So now I will proceed with the things that truly make me happy, and the things that I know in my heart are true. I feel free.. I am not going to lie, it is a wonderful feeling.  :)

xoxo

Okay. So here I am, another Friday night sitting at home with nothing to do. My roommate, who I might add doubles as a secret spy.. okay she's not a spy, however she does in fact double as my best friend- is out with her boyfriend again, and I am quite sure is pissed off at me. She tends to stay that way these days. She knows something has changed in me, something big. I don't care that she is mad, however it is somewhat aggravating that she stays pissed at me at all times as of late. She has plans to move back home early, as our move out date is August 17th and she is leaving like this week. I know she doesn't want to be here anymore and I can't help but to think some of that would be because of me. 


I am not going to apologize for my change in heart, nor will I apologize for my firm standing in my beliefs. I will not back down to anyone. This isn't just about how she feels lately, it is about how everyone feels. 


Let me rewind a bit and explain why I am moving away. Originally Logan, Utah was set in place to become my new home. Not that I don't love Logan, I do. However, I didn't want to move to another Provo. Utah State was giving me fits about transferring in and making my life somewhat difficult. So I decided to try my luck elsewhere. I have a few reasons for going to Cedar City instead, one being that I may or may not have fell in love with Southern Utah. I am telling you, if any place in Utah is God's country, that would be it. The scenery is breath taking and the weather down there is phenomenal. The two friends that I had that lived in Cedar moved away, which made me super sad, but I can't rely on anyone else for my happiness and I feel in my heart of hearts that going south would make me the happiest. 


Now on to why I think Provo, Utah is a mistake to live in. Perfection. Yes, perfection- the all amazing  Utah Mormon who seems to break every rule while holding themselves as this perfect being. It is scary to be honest. If I break a rule, I am scorned by someone who believes that they hold the law higher when they in fact break nearly every rule possible, but hey I am the bad one here! Shame on me saying any different! I have noticed that this area is different, but it wasn't until after my surgery that I let go of trying to fit this impossible mold that is here for anyone that ever wants to have it all, friends, family, wealth, and the highest calling that the church can give them. It is all about status, and being so impossibly busy that not only do you not have time for friends but you have no time for anything other than making yourself look to be this all desirable being for all to gawk at. And people actually do that! That was not an exaggeration! 


For example, the perfect guy would be as follows: Elders Quorum President, working a full time job making bank, going to school full time to be either a doctor or a engineer of some sort. This person provides service whenever it makes them look good, they are involved in everything that their ward has, they are super close to their MORMON family. I put that in bold so you know how serious that is. This is the perfect family in the church that would make the Prophet himself cry. It is that rare you see? This person accidentally cusses and repents for the next 12 years, and never sins. Never. Christ apparently isn't the only one- at least that is how it comes across. This person, sadly enough is a myth. They don't exist, but as long as they look like they do, well then it doesn't matter. One main principle taught in the church is that it doesn't matter what people think but what GOD thinks, that is why when you sin, you repent, and if it is bad enough you go to your bishop. I can not tell you how many people I have met in the past year and a half being in Provo that seem to fit perfectly to this mold until you get to know them and then you find out that not only do they sin, but they sin bad enough to lose their recommend and God only knows what else, but no one knows. They come clean to no one. Interesting right? 


The perfect girl is where it gets interesting. This girl is the size of a toothpick, going to school for something along the lines of a "Perfect Mother & Wife" degree, whatever the actual title is I am a tad bit foggy on.. but that is only because I have been more focused on my real degree, you know to keep criminals behind bars and away from ruining your American Dream. This girl is extremely active, gorgeous and dumb as a box of rocks. The only reason she goes to the temple, at an inappropriate age I might add, is because she is getting married to the perfect guy. She has no baggage, but once again this is a lie, no one knows because how can anyone know your flaws if you are to portray yourself as "perfect". 


How can anyone ever fit this standard that Provo has so imbedded in itself that reality is nearly nonexistent? Fake it until you make it, right? Then once this perfect couple is married in the temple, they start to have babies because you know, you fake it until you make it. They bring a child into the world completely blinded from reality so that they may grow up and follow along in their perfect parents foot steps. Madness I tell you!!! There is such a thing as a real world, but it is so far away from the bubble here in Utah County people actually believe it is only something you see in movies. Instead of educating their children on the concept, they go about their merry way oblivious to what is real and what is not. So I quit trying to be a perfect person, because lets just be honest with ourselves, it is NOT possible, regardless how many people here try to tell themselves that it is. It is actually pretty hilarious. It is like a modern day Pleasantville!!! Only thing missing is the fact that it is not black and white. It is actually all white. Try to find a black person in Provo.. okay let me rephrase that.. try to find a black person in Provo that ACTS black. I'll wait. No? Yeah that is like a white elephant in this area. 


I want to go back to my best friend. This blog isn't about her, for those of you that might think she is the perfect girl I am talking about. That would be inaccurate. She is much different, thus the reason we get along so well. I just felt the need to start this blog out stating that things have changed for me and I am pretty sure she stays pissed because of it. Nothing against her, I love her like she is my sister, it was just something that was on my mind. 


So like I said, my beliefs have changed recently. Not my faith, but my beliefs in how I should live my life. After my surgery I was fed up. I was fed up trying to be someone that I am not, and becoming so depressed because I was so inadequate. I am not inadequate, however Provo and the culture here can make you feel that way. So I have made some pretty huge decisions and for the first time since I joined the church, I feel like they are so solid and so true that I can't turn away nor would I try to. I love this! I love that I finally took some type of control of my decisions and now if someone flips on me because they think it was the wrong one, I will not second guess it, because to me it was right. I feel kinda free. I say kinda because until I am out of Provo and I don't have to watch my back anymore, I will not feel truly free. But, that is soon!! Very soon actually! I am moving to Cedar City in about 3 weeks or so, and I will be staying with a good friend of mine's niece. It will be nice to finally break free of a few chains. 


It is time for another chapter in my life, and for the first time in a LONG time I am ready to take life by the horns. It will be a good ride, and I am excited for the events that lie ahead of me. It will be good to breathe deep again- and this time red sand cliffs will be in my view. Cedar City won't know what hit them. :)

Credit: Rankin Studio (amazing work right?) (Oh and not Cedar City, but some other amazing place in Southern Utah)


xoxo

I am not dead..

I want to lay out my story, because it is something that has been weighing on my heart the past couple of weeks.

Growing up, I was a normal size kid (In today's society) I was a little bigger than my friends but not by much. By the time 10th grade rolled around, I was cheerleading and I was the second biggest one on the squad but I was not big by no means. My senior year is when I started gaining. I jumped from 160 to 230 in a matter of about 8 months. I had NO idea what was going on, but even then I didnt consider myself fat. I held my weight well, and at 5'6'' I felt like yeah I could lose some, but I would rather have that extra sandwich, or 3 glasses of sugared ice tea (for all of those who know I am LDS, I am a convert- thus Tea is no more ;))

I never looked at myself as fat, I just saw me. A girl, yes bigger than some, but pretty, successful, and loved by an amazing guy. I look back now and realize what a jerk he was. He hooked me up with a medical weight loss clinic during my senior year, and told me he didnt want to be with someone who let themselves go. I wasnt letting myself go, I still got ready and dolled up every day, I just didnt eat right, so what? I am from the south, I dont know anyone now that works out as much as I do. Anyway.. he cheated on me all the time and so we split up when I was 19. Then at 22 I got married to an amazing man.. yes I still say he is amazing even though we divorced. (Religious differences- so he left me) whatever.. and he never said a word about my weight. He was overweight himself, but not obese. I, on the other hand was now tipping towards 300 pounds. My best friend was close to the same size as I was and so even then I still did not see myself as fat. I was happy, and I didnt care what anyone said.

My health started deterating during my marriage (Between 2008-2010). I developed PCOS when I was 16 and it had gotten worse. (we found out because we were trying to have a baby) and my blood pressure was not the greatest. I found out that I was borderline Type 2 Diabetes and insulin resistant. My gallbladder started messing up also the year we got married and I stayed sick until last year when they finally removed it. Last year I was diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apnea and I was sufforcating on a Bi-Pap machine for a few months. When I moved to Utah in November 2010 and I was getting over my divorce, and a huge change in climate, culture and the like, I decided to start dating again.

It was horriffic. I was called fat by at least 2 guys to my face that I was interested in, and most guys wouldnt look at me. Now I want to explain the area I live in. I live in Mormon-ville, AKA: The Bubble, Happy Valley.. or better known as Provo, Utah. Utah Mormons are very focused on perfection. It boggles my mind honestly, just because of how our beliefs are, but anyway... So I couldnt get a decent guy to look at me to save my life. It made me feel awful.. so I started looking at myself in the mirror trying to figure out what could I do to make this better on me. I had researched the surgery when my ex and I were married but I put it on the back burner because I didnt want to do something to limit the things I loved so much.

So the surgery was brought back up, and I found a surgeon. I remember thinking: I hate myself so much. I am so UGLY. No one will ever want me. Forget the health problems I have; PCOS, Sleep Apnea, 70% risk of Breast cancer and ovarian cancer, and high risk of liver cancer (due to family history). I will take the health risks if I could just find someone decent and who loves me here. It is hard in Utah- dont ever let anyone tell you differently. There are marathons monthly, more health food stores, running stores, gyms personal trainers, weight loss centers, plastic surgeons, dentists (who specialize in perfecting your smile and making it bright enough to light the city) than anywhere I have ever lived before. I knew it was different but I wasnt expecting so much to be up against a fat gril from Alabama.

So, I found a surgeon like I said. He is absolutely amazing and his staff make you feel so at home. I still talk to his nurse on a weekly basis. And I decided, this fat girl has to die- I want a skinny girl reborn, someone that people want to get to know, someone that people can talk to and guys will want to take out on a date. That is all I wanted. That is all I thought about. The night before my surgery I was praying, and crying.. and I remember in my prayers asking my father in heaven to please help me to understand why I am doing the surgery- and what my real reason was. It recently hit me that it was not so much the heath concerns, but the way guys treated me here in Utah that pushed me over the edge enough to get the surgery.

So now I am just under 4 months out, and I have lost a total of 100 pounds since I moved to Utah. I get quite a bit of attention from guys here now, which is fun but strange. It is an adjustment. But I found myself looking at old pictures the other day and saying, I was so ugly, I was so fat, I will never be that again, I will never let myself go like that, no wonder no one wanted me...

I am acting like the old Jenna died and this new person came about, which in a sense is true- however.. I am still Jenna just smaller. I still cuss like a sailor, love more than most, forgive hurtful words quicker than anyone I know, I am still a legal student, and beloved daughter of my Father in Heaven.  The old Jenna did not die. I am too hard on my old self. I am mean to the old me.. I am mean like everyone else was when I actually was that size. I am hateful and hurtful to the old me. I would have been so broken down at that point if someone said the things about me (Which they did..) that I have said about myself.

We are too hard on our old selves!!! And I know I need to stop. My best friend saw a picture the other day of me around the time I met her, and she said, "I dont recognize that girl.. that is NOT my best friend.. I dont know who that is." I just took it, but I realized that the fat girl in the picture is the same person that was standing next to her.. and it hurt. I felt like I needed to stand up for the old me because I was happy!!! What drove me over the edge was nothing more than selfish jerks that want nothing more than perfection. No one is perfect in this life.. not the big girl I once was, and not the smaller girl I am now. I am protective over the fat girl in the pictures. I am protective because that is a part of me that will never quite go away- nor do I want it to. I know that the second the old Jenna is completely gone, that I will lose my idenity. No, I will not make the mistakes I made before to cause obesity, I will strive every day to live heathy and to be happy in my health- but never under any circumstances will I come down hard on myself for letting go of my heath and my life before. I know it was not good, but it has been fixed and now it is time to move on.

We need to quit calling ourselves fat, ugly, or poking fun at the old "us". For example, my baby sister is a bigger girl, and if anyone ever poked fun at her or said the things about her that I would say about my "old" self, I would probably tear them apart. Its not fair to them, it is not fair to us! No matter our size we need to start loving ourselves, and appreciating the lives that the creator of it all gave to us. It is a blessing, a gift- so yes we need to take care of it, but never beat yourself up for the person you was. Become healthy, but never talk bad about your old self. It makes me sad to think about how I talked about the old me... like a protective big sister, I am protecting the old me. She is not dead, she is the same- just healthy.

I guess what I am trying to say is never regret something that once made you happy. Not saying you were happy being bigger, but there were things in your life (as goes for all of us) that made you happy when you were bigger. It was a bump in the road and now it is over. Move on, but never forget who you were.

2 Years. 100 pounds. Roll Tide.

So much has happened lately!! Where do I begin? Well for starters, yesterday, June 6th 2012 was my two year membership date in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! Time sure flies! I can't believe that it has been 2 years already. So much has happened. I lost everything, moved to Utah, gained everything and now I am happy and content with my life. I mean obviously there are things that I wish would change... like getting a job. Yeah I really need one of those. :) Yesterday I also jumped off of my 3 week plateau for weight loss. I have officially lost 100 pounds since moving to Utah. My clothes fall off of me, so to Plato's Closet I go- wardrobe in hand.

 The only thing that didn't change too much are my shoes. I lied. Those changed too. Have you SAW my 5 inch heels??! No? Okay let me show you...

Yeah.. excuse my language but they are bad ass.


Anyway.. So my move to Logan, Utah is coming up very soon. I am pretty excited about it to be honest! It is going to be good. The only thing that kind of sucks is the fact that my friends are here. It makes me sad to be so far from them, however it is not like they are a million miles away and I FULLY plan on hanging out a bit through out the semester. I really need to focus on my studies- and as far as the summer semester goes I need straight A's. So over the past couple of days I busted out a 5 page paper that I will be turning in today. Success!!!


Oh I started crocheting again. Mariah asked me to crochet a pair of earrings for her boyfriends mom for a birthday gift.. and this is my finished product. :)

I am going home in August! August 11th to be exact! ROLL TIDE! I am so excited to see my friends and family before the semester starts- it is going to work out so well! It is going to be strange to be back home.. last time I was there I had no friends.. well I had like 2. My husband had just left me and I had lost nearly everything. I can't not wait to see the members of the Cullman Ward!!! They are all so amazing! So I worked it out that I will have two sundays there, so I will get to visit with everyone. It will be a nice breath of fresh air before I go back to Utah State in the Fall.


Classes start August 27th.. I don't know if I am prepared! lol.. it will be so good though! Oh yeah, just to point out, we all know how much I love the gym, well now my love has extended. My heart has been taken by Zumba. Yeah. Pretty much the best thing ever. I am telling you right now, I better have a good Zumba instructor in Logan or I will be driving to Orem 3 days a week. HAHAHA! Just kidding.. who has the money for that honestly.


Anyway, I am going to get ready for class- but I just wanted to post a little update. :)


xoxo

Life is NEVER easy.

Life is never easy. And those who think it is, have never truly lived.

I am moving from Provo to Logan, Utah. I am excited about my move but there are things.. or rather people here in Provo that are making me want to stay. My best friend for one. I am going to miss her, my fear is that the people I am close to will forget about me, find a new friend and move on. I mean, that is how the world works. It has always been like that. I made the decision to move because I wanted to get a new start. Meet people who never knew the "big" Jenna. They only know the normal size Jenna.. the active Jenna.. and who knows, maybe I would meet someone in the process. Get married.. have that life. There have been a couple of opportunities lately that I wanted to peruse, but my move is making that VERY difficult. Moving to Logan, so far from everyone is changing everything. I have asked myself why I made that decision.. and it wasn't so much me, but my father in heaven. I received a prompting to go, to get out of Provo. So I have the summer to finish up here with work and school. It should be interesting. I have a feeling I am going to be pretty busy. 


My heart is telling me one thing but my head is telling me another. I don't know what to do. So I was told, "Let's just have fun this summer.." So that is what I am going to do. My last summer in Provo, and then on to Logan I go. I have a friend that will be going on a mission soon. I am so sad about it! It breaks my heart that I will not see him for two years. SO much can happen in two years, and neither he or I will be the same person when he comes home. But I plan on writing him as much as he wants me to. Every week, every 2 weeks, every month. Whatever he wants, I want to keep constant contact. He is the closest person I have been to, that is going on a mission now. I have had friends go, but nothing like this. So I am sad. But you know, serving the lord comes first- and I am so proud that he made that decision to go. It is a big sacrifice. But he is not going for about a year anyway.. maybe a little less. He does not want me going to Logan. That was such a hard thing to hear, because it makes me not want to go- at least until he leaves for his mission.. :( I am not going to think about all of the sad things this summer, it is all about having fun, getting to know people, and sometimes there is a cherry on top.


I started at Book X Change in Orem two weeks ago, and I really love it there. It was super chill until finals- we have been pretty slammed and I see it only getting worse. So I have been on my feet a lot the past couple of days. My back is killing me with the amount of books I am carrying. My co workers are "rawr"-ing at me as well.. Oh me. Then they laugh.. it has been an interesting week to say the least. 


I posted this on Facebook last night.. just to give you of what a normal day with my best friend is:


"What Mariah has done tonight: Talked in a low voice with a lisp, gnawed on Melanie's face as if she didn't have teeth, pointed at us with her toes, laughed in the hallway and I thought she peed on herself... it was just drool though, laughed hysterically at air (she is still doing that), tried to mimic a crazy persons face and walk in the hallway while staring at me in my bedroom.. although she was laughing too hard by this point to even complete that task, went into the bathroom, said "Damn it!" really loud.. then came in my room and tried to personally take out my hair extensions, fell on top of me trying to grab my hair, rubbed her face on my shoulder like a cat, directed the nutella jar with a butter knife, started eating Nutella..figured she couldn't get anymore Nutella with the butter knife so she attempted to lick the jar, when that didn't work she asked for a pair of scissors, then asked Melanie if she wanted any HAHAHAHA hit me in the shoulder with her pony tail/bun and then said "Hey! She's not the devil Momma!".. oh and last but not least.. tried to dry her arm pits with her flailing hands. dear lord.


Mariah: "Thats awesome. I would like to reward you with 5 minutes of uninterrupted eye contact..." then proceeds to stare at me."


Yep. HAHAHA. It has been very interesting living with her. I love it, and I am really sad to leave. I mean how many fun nights like that can I have? But then I thought, I really need to finish school so, not having my closest friends around except when I come down on the weekends might not be a bad idea. That will give me a chance to finish up as quickly as I can. I will be taking some semesters off, every two. Just because my Pell and Loans will only pay for 2 a year, not 3. So the Summers I will take off, and go in the Fall and Spring, and finish at Utah State University. I will be an AGGIE!!! I really do love that school. I am excited to start there. 


Oh quick update.. as you can see I have lost a lot... but the big number is that I have lost 86 pounds since I moved here. YAY!


Anyway, that is as much of an update as I can give for time being. Until next time.


xoxo

Old Feelings, New Places.

I know most of you who follow my blog know about the guy who stole someones pictures of a man and his daughter, told everyone it was him and his daughter. Told countless girls that he was a widower and active LDS. He told so many details... so many lies. Every morning about 6 am he would call me to wake me up... he would tell me how beautiful I was, and how excited he and "Sadie" were to meet me. He made all of these plans with me.. he led me on for two weeks. The morning that he finally told me the truth my world crashed. I cried for hours.. days. For someone to use someone else's life to lure girls in just for their own self satisfaction is not just wrong but it is damaging. As time went on, I thought very little of "Clark", who's name is actually Isaac, and his little girl "Sadie".  Last night I found out that not only was the man in the pictures a good friend of a girl friend of mine, but his little girl is actually "Sadie".  My friend messaged him on Facebook and explained everything that happened, gave him links, phone numbers, pictures and every detail of how his identity was basically being stolen. I was so happy that the real guy in the pictures finally knew what was going on.. I left her house last night feeling off though. Today has been a particularly rough day with pain and what not, but not only that, I can't get the pictures off of my mind. To be honest, I am jealous of his wife's life. I think honestly that is what it boils down to. That is the life that I want so badly. Just to be happy with someone, with a family. That is all I have ever wanted. 


So this guy Isaac is sick in the head, and I hope he pays for what he has done to not only the family he stole pictures from, but myself and other girls of the like. It is so sad that someone can use your own heart against you. I moved to Utah to get out of whatever life I was in, but honestly I have never been treated like I have been treated here. I have never had a guy disrespect me  as much as I have been disrespected here by multiple guys. They get into your head, talk down to you, and the saddest part of it all is that they gain your trust by using the Gospel as a crutch. I was warned about Provo, but I was naive and I didn't listen.... it is time to start listening. So I am moving. I am applying to two different colleges: Utah State University in Logan, Utah, and Southern Utah University in Cedar City. I am seeing which one I get accepted to, and then that is where I will go. I know Logan gets colder in the winter and is a really nice area, and I also have a friend and his wife that live there that can kinda show me around.. (hopefully), but living expenses are more there. Then in Cedar City, it is easier to get into the college, living expenses are cheaper but I do not know anyone that lives there right now. The friends I did have moved to Pennsylvania so it would be me starting over, yet again. I could rent a U-Haul and load all of my stuff up and make the 3 hour drive down there and just make it work. 


All I want is happiness. I want a husband and a family. Finding it in Provo is not going to happen. So it is time to leave. A year and a half later, and I am giving up in this area. I think a smaller town will be better for me anyway, I am from a small town so I should be able to adjust pretty well. My mind is made up that in the fall I am leaving, but the direction is still up in the air. 


I started at a bookstore that works with UVU, and right now I am working 30-40 hours a week which is nice. I do have an interview at Maurices tomorrow at 3, just to see what kind of pay they would offer me and it is an assistant manager position. So we will see what happens. I really like the book store to be honest, but I don't know what is going to happen. I think I am going to the Temple tonight with my friend Jaelynn so I will pray about what I should do while I am there. Anyway..  I have a lot of decisions to make lately and I really need the help from my Heavenly Father, and the support from my friends and family about my decisions. Putting everyone's more selfish feelings of wanting me to stay (I am the same way when friends move away) but I have to do this for me or I will never grow. I have been at a standstill for about a year, and now that my surgery is out of the way, as long as I can deal with the pain in my leg I should do just fine. Wish me luck!!!


xoxo

Done.

So since I have lived in my new apartment I have been dealing with an issue with my roommates. I loved them as people but their actions broke many of the Honor Code Rules of BYU Approved Housing (which is where I live) After countless times of finding alcohol in the fridge (which if the RA's found out I could get evicted, but not only that blamed for buying underage girls alcohol- which means jail time) I decided to take matters into my own hands. I emailed the Landlord of the apartments.. it goes as follows:


Nina,

Since moving into the Branbury, I have lived in 4 different apartments. One of which I never had roommate issues. The first time was because of a roommate going into my room, lying ect.. the second time was a cleanliness issue.. but never did I think that living in BYU housing I would experience what I am now.

I chose BYU housing because of the LDS standards that are here, however two of my current roommates fail in that area. Here are my concerns:

Day 3 of me being in the hospital for my surgery (2/18) a party was thrown. Alcohol was involved, and not only that the people participating in the drinking were all under age, my two roommates Bella and Morgan both 18, and a roommates friend who was 17. I have 2 witnesses of what happened, one being my other roommate Margari and my Mother, who was staying here while I was recovering and just sleeping in my bed because of a lack of sleeping areas at the hospital. (This was pre approved through the Branbury if there were questions about it)

I do not appreciate alcohol in my apartment, more specifically because of the honor code that was signed by all of us. Now, I am not perfect, but in no way shape or form would I ever allow something like this if I were home. Not only did it break the honor code, the Branburys rules, but it also broke the law.

My roommate Bella, invites her sister over often, and she usually brings alcohol into the apartment. Multiple times I have found an un opened case of beer or other types of alcohol in my fridge. If the cops were to have been called because of the noise from the party, my mother and Margari would have paid the price when neither were involved in any of it.

They risked not just themselves, but myself, Margari and my Mother from getting into trouble with the law and possible eviction.

I have spoke with my Bishop (Bishop Hazen) about the situation already, and he knows about the alcohol in the apartment and the party. I was trying to keep the peace because I was friends with these girls. I am much older than they are, and I would rather just live here and work, because that is what I need, but enough is enough. I moved here for a safe haven because non-byu housing does not offer that. Bella is wanting to re sign her contract, but I do not want to live with someone who discards the honor code (and breaks the law) constantly, and Morgan who does the same. Morgan is gone most of the time, but when she is here it is constant drama and she would be the one who allowed her 17 year old friend to come and "party".  When Morgan was confronted about the party she got very angry.

My request is not to move apartments, because this is not my problem, I have moved enough, but have the problem removed from the apartment. I know this may sound extremely religious, but the spirit does not reside here anymore, and my spirituality and sanity are suffering because of it. There are many more problems but most do not breach the honor code.

I will be coming in at 10AM to speak with someone as well, I do not know what else to do other than to email you. I just wanted you to be aware of the situation before I came in to speak with someone.

Thank you for your concern.

Jenna




So after sending this letter, filling out a report, as well as Margari, Mariah and my Mom- the girls were sent a letter for eviction. They both instantly blamed Mariah and myself. I was confronted today from Morgan, she said that if I had a problem with her I should have came to her, but the thing is, and I told her this, that Margari said to her the next day that she didn't want alcohol in the apartment and she told her that she paid rent and she would do what ever the hell she wanted. Wrong. I moved to BYU housing to be free of crap like that. I told her that if she wanted to play the part of an adult then she needed to act like one, and quit putting us all at risk of losing our apartment. We talked (I talked at her basically) for about 30 minutes. Finally she was done and walked away. 


Then I had a meeting with Nina the landlord and my bishop and basically it sounded like this was my fault.. that I was at fault too. I was SO upset after meeting with my bishop, and while walking home I twisted my ankle, fell and hurt my toe, and back (like I need another back injury).. When I walked in the door, music was blaring that was "F this, F that" and I asked Bella to turn it down, she ignored me. I asked her a 3rd time, and she turned around and said, "Don't F*****g talk to me". I flipped out, it turned into a screaming match. She is a child.. a immature child with a LOT to learn. She is a home wrecker- sleeping with married men, and having relations with women as well, she still does drugs, she still drinks.. and the thing is she says she is repentant.. everyone says that. Amazing that she called Mariah and I "Bitches" as we were walking out the door. I confronted her about that too. I was so mad.. I almost hit her.. it was all I could do in my power not to hit her. She is a liar and a manipulator- she has everyone fooled except for me. 


But I got my way, and she is out. I hope she reads this, I really do. I recorded while she was screaming and cussing. it was fantastic haha. Oh well. If she slips up one more time, she is out. I hope she does, I hope she slips up so bad that no one can hide it for her. 


This is bitter I know.. but I don't care. I hate disrespectful people. So that was my day.. full of drama drama drama.  It is time to go to bed, but I just wanted this on my blog.. whew.


xoxo