I am not dead..

I want to lay out my story, because it is something that has been weighing on my heart the past couple of weeks.

Growing up, I was a normal size kid (In today's society) I was a little bigger than my friends but not by much. By the time 10th grade rolled around, I was cheerleading and I was the second biggest one on the squad but I was not big by no means. My senior year is when I started gaining. I jumped from 160 to 230 in a matter of about 8 months. I had NO idea what was going on, but even then I didnt consider myself fat. I held my weight well, and at 5'6'' I felt like yeah I could lose some, but I would rather have that extra sandwich, or 3 glasses of sugared ice tea (for all of those who know I am LDS, I am a convert- thus Tea is no more ;))

I never looked at myself as fat, I just saw me. A girl, yes bigger than some, but pretty, successful, and loved by an amazing guy. I look back now and realize what a jerk he was. He hooked me up with a medical weight loss clinic during my senior year, and told me he didnt want to be with someone who let themselves go. I wasnt letting myself go, I still got ready and dolled up every day, I just didnt eat right, so what? I am from the south, I dont know anyone now that works out as much as I do. Anyway.. he cheated on me all the time and so we split up when I was 19. Then at 22 I got married to an amazing man.. yes I still say he is amazing even though we divorced. (Religious differences- so he left me) whatever.. and he never said a word about my weight. He was overweight himself, but not obese. I, on the other hand was now tipping towards 300 pounds. My best friend was close to the same size as I was and so even then I still did not see myself as fat. I was happy, and I didnt care what anyone said.

My health started deterating during my marriage (Between 2008-2010). I developed PCOS when I was 16 and it had gotten worse. (we found out because we were trying to have a baby) and my blood pressure was not the greatest. I found out that I was borderline Type 2 Diabetes and insulin resistant. My gallbladder started messing up also the year we got married and I stayed sick until last year when they finally removed it. Last year I was diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apnea and I was sufforcating on a Bi-Pap machine for a few months. When I moved to Utah in November 2010 and I was getting over my divorce, and a huge change in climate, culture and the like, I decided to start dating again.

It was horriffic. I was called fat by at least 2 guys to my face that I was interested in, and most guys wouldnt look at me. Now I want to explain the area I live in. I live in Mormon-ville, AKA: The Bubble, Happy Valley.. or better known as Provo, Utah. Utah Mormons are very focused on perfection. It boggles my mind honestly, just because of how our beliefs are, but anyway... So I couldnt get a decent guy to look at me to save my life. It made me feel awful.. so I started looking at myself in the mirror trying to figure out what could I do to make this better on me. I had researched the surgery when my ex and I were married but I put it on the back burner because I didnt want to do something to limit the things I loved so much.

So the surgery was brought back up, and I found a surgeon. I remember thinking: I hate myself so much. I am so UGLY. No one will ever want me. Forget the health problems I have; PCOS, Sleep Apnea, 70% risk of Breast cancer and ovarian cancer, and high risk of liver cancer (due to family history). I will take the health risks if I could just find someone decent and who loves me here. It is hard in Utah- dont ever let anyone tell you differently. There are marathons monthly, more health food stores, running stores, gyms personal trainers, weight loss centers, plastic surgeons, dentists (who specialize in perfecting your smile and making it bright enough to light the city) than anywhere I have ever lived before. I knew it was different but I wasnt expecting so much to be up against a fat gril from Alabama.

So, I found a surgeon like I said. He is absolutely amazing and his staff make you feel so at home. I still talk to his nurse on a weekly basis. And I decided, this fat girl has to die- I want a skinny girl reborn, someone that people want to get to know, someone that people can talk to and guys will want to take out on a date. That is all I wanted. That is all I thought about. The night before my surgery I was praying, and crying.. and I remember in my prayers asking my father in heaven to please help me to understand why I am doing the surgery- and what my real reason was. It recently hit me that it was not so much the heath concerns, but the way guys treated me here in Utah that pushed me over the edge enough to get the surgery.

So now I am just under 4 months out, and I have lost a total of 100 pounds since I moved to Utah. I get quite a bit of attention from guys here now, which is fun but strange. It is an adjustment. But I found myself looking at old pictures the other day and saying, I was so ugly, I was so fat, I will never be that again, I will never let myself go like that, no wonder no one wanted me...

I am acting like the old Jenna died and this new person came about, which in a sense is true- however.. I am still Jenna just smaller. I still cuss like a sailor, love more than most, forgive hurtful words quicker than anyone I know, I am still a legal student, and beloved daughter of my Father in Heaven.  The old Jenna did not die. I am too hard on my old self. I am mean to the old me.. I am mean like everyone else was when I actually was that size. I am hateful and hurtful to the old me. I would have been so broken down at that point if someone said the things about me (Which they did..) that I have said about myself.

We are too hard on our old selves!!! And I know I need to stop. My best friend saw a picture the other day of me around the time I met her, and she said, "I dont recognize that girl.. that is NOT my best friend.. I dont know who that is." I just took it, but I realized that the fat girl in the picture is the same person that was standing next to her.. and it hurt. I felt like I needed to stand up for the old me because I was happy!!! What drove me over the edge was nothing more than selfish jerks that want nothing more than perfection. No one is perfect in this life.. not the big girl I once was, and not the smaller girl I am now. I am protective over the fat girl in the pictures. I am protective because that is a part of me that will never quite go away- nor do I want it to. I know that the second the old Jenna is completely gone, that I will lose my idenity. No, I will not make the mistakes I made before to cause obesity, I will strive every day to live heathy and to be happy in my health- but never under any circumstances will I come down hard on myself for letting go of my heath and my life before. I know it was not good, but it has been fixed and now it is time to move on.

We need to quit calling ourselves fat, ugly, or poking fun at the old "us". For example, my baby sister is a bigger girl, and if anyone ever poked fun at her or said the things about her that I would say about my "old" self, I would probably tear them apart. Its not fair to them, it is not fair to us! No matter our size we need to start loving ourselves, and appreciating the lives that the creator of it all gave to us. It is a blessing, a gift- so yes we need to take care of it, but never beat yourself up for the person you was. Become healthy, but never talk bad about your old self. It makes me sad to think about how I talked about the old me... like a protective big sister, I am protecting the old me. She is not dead, she is the same- just healthy.

I guess what I am trying to say is never regret something that once made you happy. Not saying you were happy being bigger, but there were things in your life (as goes for all of us) that made you happy when you were bigger. It was a bump in the road and now it is over. Move on, but never forget who you were.