I find it so funny.

So after having a rather emotional day, with the holidays, no family and what not, I started thinking about the past. More specifically when I was going to Addison High School. I have not really stated my opinions about this place in a long time, and I most definitely have not said what is on my mind since I moved to Utah. Most people here have no clue what happened the 3 whole semesters that I went to school there. Now for most, that sounds like a very short period of time but for me, well.. it was 3 months of hell. Let me elaborate.


I moved to my Moms house in Alabama the summer after 8th grade. I had been living in Michigan with my Dad for the almost 4 years prior. When I moved to Alabama I had a very thick "yankee" accent. I moved with my Mom to Addison, Alabama. A tiny, one red light town where high school football was gospel and the town was full of high school jocks that never quite understood that they were no longer in High School, still wearing their high school football wardrobe, still attending every game, still screaming louder than the refs and cheerleaders put together.. along side them were god fearing, bleach blondes wearing giant crosses around their necks. I hate to say it this way but the majority of people in this town never really left high school- as in their attitudes and way of life never changed. This is your typical small town in Alabama- or typical small town really anywhere in the south. Now, not everyone is like this in Addison, but most people will tell you that anyone that was raised there, never really leaves. Its kinda like they are trapped. Their grand parents and parents were raised there, lived there, built a life there and thus their children will too. The cycle is vicious- at least to me.


So I was an outsider. I started talking to my cousin, who was one grade above me, and she introduced me to people in my grade. I made friends with them over the phone but on the first day of school I was ignored. I went to this place I didn't know and started attending a school where I technically had no friends.   I was instantly made fun of because of my thick "yankee" accent. The jokes started then. You see, in towns like Addison, if you were not raised there, you never quite fit in. So I made a couple of friends.. Becky, Bridgette, Ashley.. I even started talking to a guy, one grade above me named Josh. Everything was going good until then. I remember when the hurtful things started..


Josh and I were walking together from class and I had his class ring on my pointer finger- that is how you stated to the school that you were a "couple". Then the itneys walked in front of Josh and myself. The itneys (Brittney, Britney, Brittany, Whitney) were 4 girls who were best friends, the "popular" girls in my grade. As they walked up to me, one of them said, "Hey Brittany, isn't that your ring?" They took the ring from me and laughed and walked off. Josh was still walking with me. These girls felt as if they owned this guy.. so much that they could do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted when it came to him. He was one of the most popular guys in the school- naturally they would think he belonged to them. Right? A couple of days later, he got the ring back for me, and two weeks later he broke up with me to be back with one of the itneys. Which one, I have not the fondest to be quite honest.


New Years Eve that year I went with my friend Ashley to a party. We told our parents that we would be at our friend Beth's house, which we were- we just left early. It started snowing so we were unable to drive back to Beth's house without wrecking. County roads in the back woods of winston county and snow do not mix. So we had to stay the night there- the next morning my Mom already knew we were not at Beth's and I was grounded for a month. By the time I went back to school, rumors were flying about me. Bad rumors, that I was pregnant, that I had an abortion, that I was a slut, that I was a whore.. I had barely even kissed a guy, let alone do anything like that. I mean I was only 14 years old for crying out loud. The harassment started there. Every day at school people were cornering me, from in the hallway to the lunchroom, questioning me, as if they had any right. I was innocent, completely innocent. My friends quit hanging out with me, and I was utterly alone. My mom had to change our house number too, because people were calling at 3 in the morning to ask if I was pregnant. I cried so much- nearly daily. The final straw happened in Home Ec, Mrs. Vickerys class. Remember the people that I said never really leave high school? Well she was one of them. I was cornered in the foyer of the building by about 60% of the girls in that class, yelling at me, calling me names and threatening me. And Mrs. Vickery stood behind them, never saying word and just looked at me. The next day my Mom went to the principals office to see if there was anything he could do to stop it. He suggested she move me out of the school. Instead of fixing the problem he wanted to just get rid of me. 


Now I am not the only person that this happened to.. I heard of one girl who was really good at gymnastics being shoved behind lockers and hit with broom sticks. That girl ultimately became an "itney" in the end, but at least I was never physically abused. Girls are vicious, and even more so in such a small town, where they feel they have everything to lose. 


Fast forward a few years. I was a typical Alabama girl I guess, I never really claimed the state because of how much I hated it there- that kinda ended when I moved to Utah, because my family is there and it is home to me. However, I would NEVER raise my kids there. Ever. I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I found God and I developed a relationship with my savior and I have never been happier- and the people that hurt me in the past, well they hate Mormons. Which most protestant religions do anyway. 


I got out. I moved away, acquired a really good job, I am getting my bachelors degree in Paralegal, I have the most amazing friends I could ever ask for. I am standing on my own two feet. I live in a big town, with many options. But you know what? Those people, the ones who cornered me in school, the ones who made fun of me for no reason, the ones that claimed to be my friends and then stabbed me in the back, well.. they are still in Addison. They will never leave, just like generations past- they are permanently tied to that town. The popular guys that everyone wanted, they are meth addicts working at trailer plants, most of which with criminal records, the girls? Well some of them moved on and acquired degrees and have good jobs, but they are still in Addison, or Winston County. The majority of them I see with pictures of them living in trailer parks, or pictures of them trashed at the bar. Living the dream, eh? You see it takes a certain type of motivation for people to realize that they are going no where in life. So this is to all of you who made fun of me, who called me names, who treated me like I was nothing- you gave me the motivation to do something with my life- the motivation to get out of Addison and actually LIVE my life. And while you stay there, in that one red light town, rotting away with no real future, I am living, truly living. I have everything I have ever wanted- and you have the exact thing that you tried to drag me down to.. nothing. I wish you all the best but karma is kinda a bitch. Suck it up buttercup, this is the life you chose when you decided to put people beneath you. I hope you are all happy :)

I wonder..

I know we all do it, reminisce on the past. But I wonder if those thoughts, feelings, emotions will ever leave. I't not talking so much about my ex husband and my life with him, although those memories undoubtedly will stay with me forever, but I am talking about my life between the ages of 15-21. Before my husband, before drinking and partying. I was trying to suppress memories of my ex fiancé David- and I have discovered that I absolutely quit thinking, listening to music and doing anything that relates to him. But not just him, my life at that time. Cheerleading, school, my friends at that time, the experiences that I went through, my family, my enemies, my life.

I don't think we can ever truly forget how our lives were- they are the memories that make me thankful for my life. So much has changed over the past 9 years... wow. 9 years- that seems like an eternity- even harder to think that it feels like it was just yesterday. I like to think about riding in the car with David, fighting over the songs that were playing and how after we split up I would give anything to hear that music, cheerleading practice in the heat of the summer where my dear friend Krista was explaining how to stand when you were in the air.. before she passed away. Home Ec with Megan and Chuck, we made some amazing sausage balls and chinese food! I miss him so much! He died a few years ago- I don't think he really knew how much people loved him. I remember football games and freezing in my cheer uniform or burning up and my makeup sweating off. I remember Jennifer and I were dating David and Mark and they would make us record them suited up in their Cordova football gear literally beating each other up while Welcome to the Jungle blared in the background. I remember trips to the mall in Birmingham with David and Michael. I was such a brat back then. I fought with him just to fight- maybe thats why he cheated on me so much. I really did love him- I always will love him but those memories here as of late have been pretty profound. But I also think its because I am about to jump into a new chapter of my life.. it makes me realize just how away my teens were. Crazy how vivid those memories stay.

I think about living with LeeAnna and having Tommy, Jeremy (Dirrty J) and Thomas as our neighbors. Airsoft wars in the woods, and being threatened daily with a BB to the hip when I would get home from work. Drinking sober with Lee at our Home Bar. Meeting Tim for the first time and then months later finding that I was falling in love with him. I always loved him.. I really did. Its hard to think that he was so quick to walk away from me. I remember hanging out with my best friend Kayla and making some of the absolute best memories. I miss her and Lyndsey so much, so when I go home I hope to see them.

I also think that with my surgery coming up in less than two months I have been pondering my life so much. In case something happens I want people to know how much they have meant to me.. how much I love them. My life has not been perfect but it has been so memorable and there is only one thing that I would change. I would tell David and Tim how much I really loved them. I don't think I said it enough, I still have time to tell my Mom and everyone else I love but.. them.. I can't really tell that to anymore. My friends, they have been amazing to me, my family, my Mom, they are my rock. I don't want this blog to sound like a farewell because I think I will be fine, I am scared but odds are that I will come out of the surgery just fine- I just don't want to miss an opportunity to tell the people in my life that I love them so much. From my friends of old to my brand new friends- I love you all so much. You mean the world to me.

So heres to memories of past, present and future. Its time to live- you only get one life, so enjoy it. :)


xoxo

Thoughts for the night.

Thoughts for the night: 


I never get enough sleep.
I am pretty sure that my new c-pap machine is going to kill me.
I am getting more anxious every day before my surgery. (Feb 14th.. what a Valentines gift!)
I have met some pretty amazing people lately- and I have realized how blessed I truly am. (Their kids are pretty spectacular too!)
School is going to be the death of me, I just know it.
My iPhone is saving my sanity on a daily basis.
Its nice to shop for yourself once in a while.
Giving a gift is nice, but it makes all the difference when it is something that you actually make yourself.
My amazing friend Cecily makes the absolute hands down best fajitas.
Its kinda strange living in this big apartment with only one other roommate. Everyone else already moved out.
The scriptures are awesome- its amazing how much you can learn in just a few pages.
I think I am going to spoil myself with food type things until I can't have them anymore- I feel justified. 
Yes, Christmas is the best time of year.
After mixing 3 different candle waxes I am pretty sure I have created a carmel frappe candle in the process. My room smells amazing.
Ancestry.com is killing my inner child.
I am confident I will lose my 3rd chapstick that I have purchased in the past 2 months soon.
I am addicted to the Dear John Soundtrack.
I wear my heart on my sleeve way too much- I just don't think it is too much to ask for someone to love me. 
I should, when driving home from Salt Lake City, leave much earlier than 8:30.
Law School scares me- good luck to my friends who are currently in it or recently accepted. 
Amazon: I love you.
Febreze: I love you too.


Thats all.

Decisions, Changes.. Life in general.

I have a few major decisions placed before me. Im not really going into detail with any of them, but just know that I have a lot of soul searching and a lot of praying to do. But my life could or could not take the most amazing turn. I have been through a lot, a lot of tears and a lot of questions. I have lost a lot and could lose more, who knows. 


The gym is going really good. I am thankful that I am able to go. I need to tone up my arms and stomach so I don't look like a bat after my surgery haha.


I know I have said this before, but the scriptures are absolutely amazing. I am learning so much. Doctrine of the church just blows me away with the more that I read. I just had the most amazing conversation with my friend Shannon. I love deep convos with friends.. it makes me realize how amazing it is to have people like that in your life.


Thats about it. Short and sweet. :)


xoxo

Do Work!

So yesterday I finally received my Gold's Gym membership from work. 1 full year paid for. It is AMAZING! So I have been pretty sick lately with this cold thing, and I left work early. My friend Shannon got off at 3 so I met her at the gym just to go into the steam room or the sauna to open up my head. When I got there I realized that I have a gym membership.. a full one, so I should work out. What a refresher! My legs felt like jello by the time I left but I was so energized. So this morning at 6:15 AM I woke up and called Shannon, we met at the gym at 6:30 and worked out. I stayed about an hour and did a fast pace walk, biked, and used the elliptical. I quit drinking coffee over a year ago, and this is a good replacement for being lethargic in the morning. Get it! :)


I met with my nutritionist on Tuesday and set up my eating plan for after my surgery. She also went over some things that I can start doing before the surgery to help me prepare for the mental anguish that I am going to go through. Even though we don't realize it, we all have emotional attachments to food and those barriers need to be broken down before we go through something traumatic. 


I am not getting to go home for Christmas, and I have to say I am really sad about it. However, it will be good to see my Mom next month. My childhood friend Chachi is flying up from Arizona too hopefully. She had the surgery 2 years ago, so she knows what to expect. 


I have a super busy day today though! After I left the gym I was going to go to the temple, but I soon realized I will not have enough time to do a session so, my friend Becky is coming over to hang out, then at 11 I have a meeting with my attorney.. then I am going to the temple. At 5:30 I am meeting with some amazing friends :) All in all today is going to be an amazing day! I mean honestly, how can it not when I started at 6:30 with a workout? 


Happy Thursday!

Just a quick update :)

So my life is wonderful. I am sure I have said that before, but it really is. It is looking like I am getting to go home for Christmas! I am so excited! It will be good to see my family! I have not met Ava or Tanner yet (my new niece and nephew) So I am happy that I will finally get to meet them.


I am getting my surgery in January. I had my sleep study last week and I will have the results in about a week from now. I have two more appointments and I will be done with everything that the surgeon is requiring. My mom is coming here to help and I have a huge support group. I am scared but I know that this will be SO worth it!


I moved back to Provo. Thankfully! And I received a new calling: 1st councilor in the Relief Society Presidency. So far it has been great, and I am excited to see what is to come. I love Provo so much, I really do. I thought I didn't- but I'm pretty sure that was a lie haha!


Also I have new pictures! Firstly, the transformation that has occurred with me. I have lost 30 lbs since moving to Utah- more specifically since my gallbladder surgery. 

The first picture was my wedding day, May 30th 2008, and the second one was taken November 19th 2011- just a couple of weeks ago. I say it is major progress! I am super excited for my surgery now, because 30 lbs has taken so much off of me emotionally and physically. 

I learned how to knit :) 

Start:

                                                                             Finish!




I did want to take a quick minute to recognize my amazing friends. I am so thankful for them. I have met some amazing people here!

My roommate Britney and I

My dear friend Mariah and I 

My awesome co-worker and friend Shannon.

 My old roommate and best friend Becky.

My old roommates Becky and Jose :)

Jose's girlfriend Sharon, Myself and Becky

My neighbor and friend Jessica. 

Not quite sure why I look sad. haha 

HAHA

 I am really thankful for all I have.. and all the amazing people who have entered my life. Now obviously this is not all of them, but just the ones I have pictures of. I love my friends here, they make my whole world complete.


Anyway, this was really quick because it is almost 1 am and I have church in the morning. I hope everyone is having a wonderful night. 


xoxo

My Wish List.

So instead of just telling everyone what I want for Christmas, I decided to make a list of all the things that make me happy. I am super easy to please, but these are things that I can and will buy for myself that will make me the happiest.


1. Sewing Machine. I am determined to make my own skirts after my surgery. :)
2. Barnes & Noble Nook. I think in the long run it will actually SAVE money. No more buying books to weigh down my purse. No breaking the straps on my purse. :)
3. More yarn. Any type of yarn. 
4. A hard case for my Macbook Pro. Scratches are killing me! 
5. Chapstick. Burts bees or the kind I bought before I moved here. I ran out and they do not sell it here! What is this?!?
6. Candles. Smelly good ones. Walmart brand works fine, but I love the Candle Barn or Bath and Body Works.
7. iTunes gift card. I need some new jams.
8. A box of fruit snacks. I love them so much!
9. Picture frames of all kinds. Old, vintage or modern- anything will do.


And last but most definitely not least..


10. A trip home to see my family.


Thats pretty much it. I love simple things so much, and I wish life was not as complicated as it is. But I do love the life I have and I am thankful for everything I have been given. 


Happy Holidays!

My Battle.

I am finding myself getting very discouraged. I have been fighting with the whole dating thing for a while and I decided that I had given myself a year and a half and it was time to date again. So I have been putting myself out there. I have never had a hard time finding dates or anything like that, and honestly I have never had to really look- but that was in Alabama. Utah is a totally different story. I have discovered that guys here are so shallow no matter what they look like, do for work ect. They could be a total bum and if a girl isn't super skinny they look the other way. I got married in the first place because I found someone I was willing to spend my life with and have children with, I wanted to be married. Tim and I divorced in August of 2010 and since then I have been just laying low until I felt comfortable with dating again. So a couple of months ago, I put myself out there. I was ready to date, and every guy that I have been the slightest bit interested in is not interested in me. I have been on ONE decent date since my divorce. One. I like to think I am a pretty girl, I have goals and aspirations.. I am a nice person. I am active in the church. I love life and my friends & family. What is wrong here? What, because I am not 100lbs soaking wet I can't get a date? I feel like I am never going to find someone that I am legitimately attracted to, to ever want me back. I have been turned down for my size a couple of different times, and to top it off, someone told me the other day that they wouldn't date someone 25. So now I'm too old? I am 25 for crying out loud! 


So, I noticed the past couple of days, I am slipping into a depression. I am not wanting to do the things I love anymore, I am having thoughts about things I shouldn't. Such as vices I gave up a long time ago. So Wednesday, hopefully I will be talking to my bishop about everything. I am just not happy. I was for so long, and still I am happier than I was in the past, but I am struggling to keep a smile on my face. It is hard seeing everyone that I am friends with dating on a weekly basis, getting engaged one right after the other and me dateless.. and feeling pretty hopeless. If I was not LDS I would still be in Alabama, and more than likely still married. But I chose an eternal happiness over my failing marriage. We could have eventually worked things out, but I let all of that go to have eternal truths in my life. 


One thing that bothers me the most is the fact that my friends, who are waiting on missionaries, who are not interested in anyone else, go on more dates than I do. I guarantee I know why.. because they are skinny. It all boils down to guys being superficial here. I think I am a great choice for anyone. I am an amazing person, at least I think I am. So what I am doing is this: I am getting a life threatening surgery to lose weight. I am doing it for health reasons too,  and that is a big reason why I am getting it done, but the other that pushed me to get it done quickly is the fact that until I lose weight I do not have a snowball's chance in hell at a decent date, with someone I am attracted to. I don't want to settle for anyone, I don't deserve that. I deserve to find someone that I think is handsome, who has a good job, a good personality and who actually loves me. Its kinda sad that I am resorting to surgery though. So sometime between the end of december and the beginning of January I will be getting Gastric Bypass surgery. I pray that I lose enough that someone will at least look at me as being a potential match for them. 


I have cried so much about this lately. People look at me like I am diseased or something. It does not help that I am a divorced convert to the church. If guys would only take a minute to find out why I am divorced they would probably think differently of me in that aspect. I am tired of being alone. I want a family.. I want someone to want me like I want them.  I don't normally post things like this but I am falling so quickly into a depression I just felt like it would help if I blogged about how I have been feeling lately. 


I keep praying about my situation, and I keep feeling that I need to be patient. I am okay with that, but so many of my friends are getting married, are already married and starting families... and I want that too. I long for that companionship. But alas, I am a hopeless cause until I lose weight. I think that is my only option.

Rant.

It has been a long time since I have just spoken my mind about things. And I feel, that it is time for me to get a few things off of my chest. 

First and foremost, Utah Mormons. Oh where do I begin.. There is such a grey area here. People are members of the church but only on Sundays. How does that happen? In Alabama you are either in or out, there is no inbetween. How can you people forget where you are, and the resources you have here? Literally there is a temple an hour from everywhere.. a chapel within 5 minutes and a deseret book within 30 minutes. But you would rather but 4 months inbetween temple visits, not because you cant go, because you don't want to go. Try living somewhere you have to drive, ride a train or bus 14 hours to get to one, and still those people go monthly. They beg for a temple, but you people sit there .2 miles away from one and say you just don't feel like going. That is unacceptable. I have lost so much to come into the truth that I know, including my husband and almost every friend I had.. and as soon as I was able to go to the temple, I went. There is no question about going. Just go. Set aside a whole hour or two and go. 

Utah guys.. On a scale of 1-10, some of you are barely pushing a 3 but expect a 12. Get over it. Just because you served a mish does not mean that you are above anyone else. I know plenty of people that have not served a mission and still I would much rather be friends with them. Shallowness will get you nowhere, and I am not just saying that for myself, I am saying that for every friend that has dealt with a d-bag guy in Happy Valley. (For those of you who don't know, that would be Utah County aka. The Bubble) Now obviously not every guy is like this but I would say a good solid 60% in this area are. Quit being make out whores, yes I said it. You guys will make out with a goat as long as it is anorexic with long hair. Try getting to know someone instead of being as shallow as a shower. Learn a little... realize that someone who is divorced is not the devil, somone who isn't fresh out of high school isn't an old woman, and someone who actually has experienced life isn't your mom (although your mom I am sure has experienced life, this is not the point I am trying to make.)

Utah girls.. you are NOT in love in 2 weeks. I hate to break it to you. Its called lust. So you keep the law of chasity. That is wonderful! However, that does not mean the second you find a guy you wanna sleep with you marry. This area is so high for divorce because you girls jump the gun and are ready to marry the first guy who served a mission. So he said he loved you after a week and cried one tear to show that he is in tune with his emotional side- so what? He is literally 21 years old, fresh off a mission and you are still wearing your training bra. Grow up some! Learn what life is about, then when you are comfortable with yourself look to get married. Divorce is hard, no matter what the situation- Think about that. You need to grow up before you can EVER expect to start a life with someone. You are still selfish, immature and naive. You need to experience life before you try to share it with someone else. Keep in mind that if you get a divorce, guys will look at you like you are tainted meat and steer clear, no matter how pretty you think you are. Just a word of advice.. stay true to yourself, and wait.

Gosh, this area kills me. Moving on. 

I cuss sometimes.. Sorry, I am not perfect. I tend to say hell, damn and shit a lot. And I am okay with that. Now when I am in the presence of people who don't like it, I refrain out of respect, but do not under any circumstances jump my case about my language. I am 25 years old, I will say what the hell I want. 

What I do in my life is none of anyones business. It is okay for you to form an opinion, you are entitled to it. You are NOT required to speak it vocally to me. More specifically about my life and what I do. I will date who I want to date, and do what I want to do. I make mistakes because I am not perfect, and I will learn what I can from them. I am not going to listen to what you "think" I need to learn from the situation. You do not know me, my life and what I have been through. The reason I do things the way I do is because of the experiences I have been through previously, and until you have walked in my shoes, don't make an assessment of my life and my decisions to vocally tell the world. It's none of their business, and quite frankly it is none of yours. 

Work customers.. I know what the freakin cancel process is, and if you are still being charged that means that you DID NOT cancel. Don't tell me you got a conformation number, or that you called. I can see if you called, so don't lie to me. If you recieved a conformation number then your account would be canceled. It is not my fault that you failed to read the terms and conditions, and no I am not required to give you a refund. If you act like a jerk, then I am less likely to help you out. No we are not disclosing private information to the public.. they are all public records from the GOVERNMENT. If you feel like your privacy is being compromised then talk to them. I can tell you right now that they don't give a crap if you whine to them. The democrats are whining daily and do you see them caring? Nope. 

Voters for Obama. You guys are a bunch of idiots. I watched this guy rant about Obama.. he was a black guy that voted for Obama and he regrets his decision because the government can not balance their check books. He said that he was happy that they had a black man in office, but he told Obama to quit acting like one and pay his bills. I thought that was awesome. Because you know if any white person would have said that, all hell would have broke loose. And no I am not being racist, I have TONS of friends from different races. But anyone who is taking the time to read this rant should look that guy up. He dropps the f bomb a few times, well more than a few, but he has a way with words. And.. everything he says is totally true. Props to the angry man who finally said what everyone else wanted to say. 

The ex-mormon that talked to my ex husband via the internet. Jump off a bridge. 

My exes wifes/girlfriends/fiances/whatevers.. I don't want them anymore. Trust me. If I can end my marriage to someone I loved more than anything in this world because I want eternal truths in my life, salvation and an eternal marriage and he didnt, then I sure as hell don't want the guys I dated in the past. More specifically the ones that cheated on me all the damn time. I can remember the good times, and smile, but that does not mean that I want them back. If I was still chasing them I would not have moved 1800 miles away from my home. I am over it, and you should do the same. 

People that thought I changed when I became a mormon.. I quit smoking and drinking. I watch my language for the most part, and I fast forward nudie scenes in movies. I don't wear low cut tops, short shorts or short skirts. I dress modestly. You know why? Because if the savior returned today I would like to stand before him, modest in dress and pure in heart. I go to church every Sunday because I found happiness in the gospel and I love going. I am a mormon, I am not in a cult, I am not brainwashed, I am not a polygamist. I am a normal girl who still likes to play video games, dance like crazy, listen to insane music and cry when I am angry. The only thing that changed was the fact that I am just better than I was before. My mind is opened, my heart is full and if making myself healthy, modest, and courteous makes you uncomfortable.. all I can say is get over it. Question, can you take the alcohol, cigarettes, cars, money, jewelry into the next life? Then why are those things so important to you now? Try eternal happiness.. now that is something that I can take with me no matter where I go. I love my life more than I ever have. I have so many friends from so many different backgrounds. We have fun, we act like idiots, we scream when we are mad, we laugh until we cry, and we love the lord, the restored gospel and we know the truths of the restored gospel. I do not judge people who are not members, like so many people have said that mormons do. We do not bash other churches or cultures.. but we are mocked and attacked daily. I have tons of friends who are not members, and yes I would love to share the gospel with them but they have their own agency and if they choose not to learn, then that is their choice. Agency is a gift from god.. satan wanted to take it away. So you have your agency, use it!

and finally...

Guys who try to date me.. I am the happiest person you will probably ever meet. I cry when I am mad, and laugh a lot the rest of the time. Life is awesome! Do not judge me before you meet me. There is a lot more to me than you think. Accept that my life is about to change dramatically. Accept that I like cold weather. Accept that I think it is okay to sing to every song, because I will.. every song. Love me for who I am and what kind of life you could have with me in it. I am an active mormon. I go to church every sunday, no if's ands or buts. I go to the temple weekly. I want whoever I am dating to be in the same boat as me. Be active in the gospel.. it is the cornerstone of my life, and thus it should be yours too.

/rant

Yay for Blogs!

So, it has been months.. like 5 months to be exact since I have blogged- and SO much has happened. Firstly, I went through the temple and took out my endowments! How exciting is that? On June 18th, I went through the Salt Lake City Temple. It was absolutely amazing- and I am so thankful to be able to go. The following Tuesday I went to Provo, then Wednesday I went to Manti. The Fryes came in to town to go with me and then we went to Manti for a session and to the Mormon Miracle Pagaent. The protesters were everywhere, and it was hard to believe that some people will go to the extremes that they do. We stayed down in Selina (in the absolute middle of nowhere HAHA!) But it was so good to see them and I hated seeing them leave. My mom also came down in April! She stayed with me for a week, and while she was here she seemed to love Utah. It was kinda chilly so a jacket was almost required all the time. It was so good to see her.. I miss her more than anything. I can't wait to see her again soon. She will be coming back when I have my surgery....

Speaking of surgery! Mine is coming up soon. I am getting the Duodenal Switch weight loss surgery. Look it up, it is intense. So the majority of my medical problems will go away after the surgery. I am so excited to be healthy again... and skinny. It is going to be a nice change. :)

Back to spiritual things. I started at a new ward in March. It is the best singles ward I have been in since I moved to Utah. The Bishopric is amazing and everyone participates in nearly everything. It makes living so far from home so much easier when you are busy. I also started working at Ancestry.com. My old job- well lets just say that the FTC shut them down and the owners are in deep. Greedy people never get anywhere in life... life lesson for today. Ancestry is a really good job, kind of repetitive but good nontheless. I am thankful for having a job period. I recieved a new calling in my ward, Family History Co-Chair- most definately because I work at Ancestry haha.

Also, one of my missionaries got married! Daniel Howard got married to a super sweet girl named Amanda. They are adorable together. I am thankful to be a part of their lives!

So that is pretty much it for today.. I am still waiting to find out about a mission. August 3rd is one year from my divorce so I will know then hopefully. Yay for blogging!!

Singles Awareness Day is such a creeper.

Ah it is that time of year again. The flower companies are making bank, and jewelry stores are making sure that you know they have they best deal ever. It is amazing to me how materialized this holiday has gotten. Whatever.


So this time last year,  I was married. I was getting Tim's gift together- one I knew he was going to love. This was my last Valentines with him. I didn't know that at the time and I didn't know that I was going to be alone this year. He has a girlfriend that he is spending it with. I wonder sometimes why I am alone.. why nothing I have lasts long. But to answer my own question, I actually do know why- because it is the lord's will. It is his divine plan that I find myself becoming inpatient with. I know that one day I will meet the guy who is perfect for me, the guy who loves me for who I am  not what I can do for him... the guy that not only holds the priesthood but also holds my heart. I know that I have to go through the things that I am going through now to get to that point. Sometimes I feel like it drags on. I have been feeling sorry for myself. Thinking, what about me, me me.. I am trying to be patient and trying to understand that it is not about me- it is about the lord and what he wants for me. He knows what he is doing.. and I trust him.


I have been through a lot this week.. well the past two weeks. I admit it is testing my patience. But I know that, that is the reason that I am going through what I am going through. To teach me to be patient.. it is a virtue that I never picked up on. It is FAR time. It is amazing to me how I am starting to be able to understand why things happen in the order that they happen. Before I didn't know why.. I asked why why why all the time.. But prayer.. and asking my Heavenly Father why has blessed me with the ability to answer my own question nearly before it leaves my mouth. What an amazing gift I have acquired.


So now it is the waiting game. Maybe I am not putting myself out there as much as I should. Or maybe it is because the lord has something else in store for me first. Maybe that something is a mission? I am still praying. Mt Bishop and Stake President approved of a mission, and the mission people are considering me. I keep thinking of what could be to come. I can't help but smile about it. I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up too much, but what is the point of getting excited for something if you don't go all out? I am patiently waiting and praying. It's all I can do right now.


I find that stress relief is a necessity. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I know what to do about it, and I am not 100% accurate with it, but reading, praying and listening to hymns is the best stress relief I have found so far. Also simplifying my life is necessary. For anyone who knows me, even for a week knows that I am a gadget person. I love new phones, computers.. ect. I have to have the newest and best always, but for once in my life I have decided that it is not necessary to own those things. Now, I have a Macbook but I kinda can't take it back, nor do I want to. I need it for school. I have to have a computer... but my phone is the biggest thing. I had an HTC Evo and I loved it.. and I returned it and got a basic flip phone. Yeah, I did that. GO ME! I shocked myself, imagine what everyone else thought?!? It was a good feeling. Progression!


So today I have been feeling so strange, mainly because this past week has been rough and long, and I am not rested enough to hold my head straight let alone make conscious decisions. I found that I talk too negative about myself, I feel sorry for myself and I am a selfish person. I am aiming to change that. Today. It's hard me not feeling sad, specifically this time of year... but I have to trust my Heavenly Father. I am putting it all in his hands. One day I will feel complete its just not now.  I guess what bothers me is that I have not been on anything remotely like a date since this time last year. Tim never took me out, so when you live in the date capital of the world you feel kinda out of place. I guess I just would like someone to ask me to go on a date just once. There I go again, feeling sorry for myself. Its hard to smile when everyone else is so happy and you feel so incredibly alone. I knew this was going to happen when I moved here. I don't know how to approach people.. I am socially awkward when it comes to dating. Provo/Orem, Utah: Marriage Capital of the World. I think my expectations for this place were entirely too high. I guess I thought I would at least date when I got here. I was wrong. This is what leads me to think that there is something so much bigger out there for me. I am letting go of this, and I am going to pray about what I should do next. If it was meant for me to find someone already, I would have found them, but its not, and I am not going to question the lords decisions. He knows what he is doing. Well that is about all for now... I think I will go for a drive, take a view. It is too gorgeous outside to be sitting inside blogging about how pathetic my dating life is. I need to live, and the time is now.


Jenna

My Awesome Talk on Agency :)

Elder Hales gave a talk this past general conference on Agency. Up until April 2010, my definition of agency did not come close to what “our agency” is.  I couldn’t have said it better than the way Elder Hales stated. Agency is the ability and privilege God gives us to choose and “to act for [ourselves] and not to be acted upon.” Agency is to act with accountability and responsibility for our actions. Our agency is essential to the plan of salvation. With it we are “free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil.

This is a pretty amazing choice that we are making. This is our eternal choice. A choice that lasts forever.

As far as we know, the first time we used our agency was in the premortal existence. In a 2001 Women’s Conference, Sister Sherry Dew gave a powerful talk that intertwined with agency and our ability to use it.  She said, We know that we were there, in the heavenly councils before the foundations of this earth were laid. We were there when our father presented his plan. We saw the savior chosen and appointed, and we sanctioned it. We were there among the heavenly host who sang and shouted for joy. And when Satan unleashed his fury against the Father and the Son and was cast out of Heaven.  We were there, fighting on the side of truth. We stood loyally by God and by Jesus, and.. did not flinch. Now we are here. Separated from our heavenly home. To prove whether or not we want to be part of the kingdom of God more than anything else. The lord is testing our faith and our integrity to see if we will persevere in a realm where Satan reigns. Happily, despite taking the test into the stormy twilight of the dispensation of the fullness of times... We have once again chosen to follow Jesus Christ. We have chosen to follow him because we remember him and recognize him.

It is something so absolutely amazing to me. We were able to choose. And we still choose Christ, every day of our lives. We continue to constantly strive to return to our Heavenly Father. We use our agency and we choose him.  I find it astonishing at the choices I have made in my own life. How in the presence of heavenly father I chose my savior, but up until this past year, I chose differently. I used my agency and made some questionable decisions. But making the choice to learn and understand the gospel, was by far the most amazing act of using my agency I have ever made.  When I started having lessons with the missionaries, I noticed that things just seemed to click. Like they fit in place so perfectly. Heavenly Fathers plan is so perfect and divine. I knew these things before. I felt it, because it was almost a sense of déjà vu. Like I have heard it before. There is no greater feeling that learning something, for what you think is for the first time, and recognizing it at the same time- and then following.

But even before all of the good choices I have made, I also have made some not so good choices. I used my agency to disobey my heavenly father and Jesus Christ. I thought I was happy. I was wrong.  Elder Hales told a story in his talk about disobeying and the consequences of doing so. He said, In my youth I learned an important lesson about how our actions may limit our freedom. One day my father assigned me to varnish a wooden floor. I made the choice to begin at the door and work my way into the room. When I was almost finished, I realized I had left myself no way to get out. There was no window or door on the other side. I had literally painted myself into a corner. I had no place to go. I was stuck.

Whenever we disobey, we spiritually paint ourselves into a corner and are captive to our choices. Though we are spiritually stuck, there is always a way back. Like repentance, turning around and walking across a newly varnished floor means more work—a lot of re-sanding and refinishing! Returning to the Lord isn’t easy, but it is worth it.

I could relate to this story so well. Because I had done the same thing, in sense. I had lived for myself, and only myself. I didn’t care how it affected other people, or that I was disobeying my heavenly father. I didn’t realize until very recently all of the blessings that I missed out on because of my poor choices- because now my blessings are in abundance, and I know it is because I am using my agency wisely. I am living for Christ, and I know that one day I will be in the presence of my heavenly father again, and he will be well pleased. Before, when I would think of blessings, I would think of things I have. Physical things. A car, home, ect. But the real blessings are knowing that my heavenly father will provide for me. I have been blessed with an amazing family, who is anything but perfect, but they have such a love for each other it could bring a complete stranger to tears. I have been blessed with friends who are some of the most amazing people on earth. I have been blessed with having the Holy Ghost as my constant companion, and that I can feel the spirit in my life always. Blessings like these are some that I lacked before. I have had my family, but I was detached from them as was I detached from my friends. I didn’t feel the Holy Ghost constantly around me- which is such a lonely feeling. An empty feeling, that I can’t describe any other way than just saying, complete and utter sadness. I chose that life.

It has taken a long time to get where I am now. I feel like I have waited my entire life to feel what I feel at this very moment.  The spirit, happiness, joy. Enough joy to shout from every mountain surrounding the valley. And some..

Elder Hales said, “The scriptures teach us, “All have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.”  For those who find themselves captive to past unrighteous choices, stuck in a dark corner, without all the blessings available by the righteous exercise of agency, we love you. Come back! Come out of the dark corner and into the light. Even if you have to walk across a newly varnished floor, it is worth it. Trust that “through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind [including you and me] may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.”

 I stand before you and testify that it is worth every bit of hardships we may go through to return to the lord.. Using our agency to make the choices that Heavenly Father wants can bring such an abundance of blessings, just like it did for me. I know that when we are obedient to the lord that we are rewarded. Spiritually we are rewarded so much that it becomes impossible to think about not having the blessings that we have. Like it is for me, to think about how life was before- just seems like such a far off memory, when in fact it has been less than a year. 224 days to be exact.

I am so thankful for my Savior, and the ability to use my agency to choose him. To be able to choose his true church and be right back where I belong, I am so eternally grateful.  I am thankful for missionaries, who spread truth and light to people like myself who have pulled away from our Heavenly Father, and have used our agency in a negative way. I know that this is the true church of Jesus Christ that was restored to the earth. And I am so thankful that I have used my agency to come back and be able to speak to you today.

I say these things in the name of my beloved savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

The lord works in mysterious ways..

It's been a while since I have posted a blog, but I feel like I should now. So much has happened since I last posted. Firstly, Thanksgiving. I went to Colorado with Rachel and her family. We had so much fun! Colorado is amazing, and I met some of the most awesome people there! I hope to go back VERY soon! Not that I would move there, Utah has a very special place in my heart. I don't think I will ever leave here. I love it so much. Then December was good! I spent Christmas with Sarin and Jed and Sarin's family. They are such amazing people. I am happy that I finally got to meet them! It was a little strange, watching them on tv first, but they are such an influence to me. I don't think that they knew when they decided to be on the show that they would influence or affect someone as much as they did me. I am blessed to know them and to be friends with them.

We have had quite a bit of snow! So different from Bama. I love it! Driving in it isn't too much fun, but playing in it is, and it is gorgeous! More specifically, when the sun starts setting and the mountains are snow covered.

I think everyone in my family has made this picture their background on their computers, haha! This is my view from the area I work in. It is in Provo on State Street. Gorgeous! The temple is behind one of the trees, but that is a sight to see for sure. How could you not love a place with such a view?

Have I ever mentioned that my roommates are absolutely wonderful? I love those girls so much. They are absolutely amazing.  We have been going out to eat once or twice a month at different restraunts who have a different theme, or the food comes from a different country. So far we have had Thai, Japanese and Brazillian. It is such a good time to hang out with them. Those girls are my best friends. I am so blessed to know them. We also are having cooking nights, where I cook southern food, Nagisa cooks Japanese food and Rachel cooks Latvian food. 

Rachel and I hang out quite a bit. I can relate with her so much. She has served a mission and so we have talked about that a lot, and my dreams of one day serving one myself. We have went to Salt Lake a few times and have had some amazing experiences. One night we stayed in the apartment next to President Monson. SO AMAZING! Salt Lake is beautiful!

This tree was in the Conference Center. I told Rachel that we are stealing it and putting it in our apartment for next year. HAHA!

So I talked with my bishop about a mission. He was talking to the stake president and he said no for right now. I admit I am pretty heart broken over it, BUT, last night after Institute, I met the stake president and he asked me when I was divorced and when I joined the church, and then he said for me to have a meeting with him tonight. So the doors are not completely closed. I am thankful! Some more good news is.... are you ready for this?  In less than 5 months I get to go to the temple!!! How amazing is that?!? I am so excited and blessed. So now I am picking where I want to go, and I am leaning towards Salt Lake. That is the most beautiful temple I have ever saw. Rachel was talking about the spirit that is there, and she is right.. not even being inside the temple, I can feel it. So I called Sister Ross and Brother and Sister Frye to see if they would come and be with me when I go. Also, Rachel, Rob and Daniel are going. I have such an amazing support group.

I miss Cullman so much. My ward was my family, I wish everyone could come. Imagine that, the entire Cullman ward packed into a plane headed toward Salt Lake City. :) I have been spending time up at the Provo temple, not so much going in but just being on the property. I love it there. It is so amazing.

Well being at work, I guess this is all for now. I am not going to go that long again without blogging. It is such a good way to let things out while still letting people know what is going on in my life. Until next time..

Jenna