I wonder..

I know we all do it, reminisce on the past. But I wonder if those thoughts, feelings, emotions will ever leave. I't not talking so much about my ex husband and my life with him, although those memories undoubtedly will stay with me forever, but I am talking about my life between the ages of 15-21. Before my husband, before drinking and partying. I was trying to suppress memories of my ex fiancé David- and I have discovered that I absolutely quit thinking, listening to music and doing anything that relates to him. But not just him, my life at that time. Cheerleading, school, my friends at that time, the experiences that I went through, my family, my enemies, my life.

I don't think we can ever truly forget how our lives were- they are the memories that make me thankful for my life. So much has changed over the past 9 years... wow. 9 years- that seems like an eternity- even harder to think that it feels like it was just yesterday. I like to think about riding in the car with David, fighting over the songs that were playing and how after we split up I would give anything to hear that music, cheerleading practice in the heat of the summer where my dear friend Krista was explaining how to stand when you were in the air.. before she passed away. Home Ec with Megan and Chuck, we made some amazing sausage balls and chinese food! I miss him so much! He died a few years ago- I don't think he really knew how much people loved him. I remember football games and freezing in my cheer uniform or burning up and my makeup sweating off. I remember Jennifer and I were dating David and Mark and they would make us record them suited up in their Cordova football gear literally beating each other up while Welcome to the Jungle blared in the background. I remember trips to the mall in Birmingham with David and Michael. I was such a brat back then. I fought with him just to fight- maybe thats why he cheated on me so much. I really did love him- I always will love him but those memories here as of late have been pretty profound. But I also think its because I am about to jump into a new chapter of my life.. it makes me realize just how away my teens were. Crazy how vivid those memories stay.

I think about living with LeeAnna and having Tommy, Jeremy (Dirrty J) and Thomas as our neighbors. Airsoft wars in the woods, and being threatened daily with a BB to the hip when I would get home from work. Drinking sober with Lee at our Home Bar. Meeting Tim for the first time and then months later finding that I was falling in love with him. I always loved him.. I really did. Its hard to think that he was so quick to walk away from me. I remember hanging out with my best friend Kayla and making some of the absolute best memories. I miss her and Lyndsey so much, so when I go home I hope to see them.

I also think that with my surgery coming up in less than two months I have been pondering my life so much. In case something happens I want people to know how much they have meant to me.. how much I love them. My life has not been perfect but it has been so memorable and there is only one thing that I would change. I would tell David and Tim how much I really loved them. I don't think I said it enough, I still have time to tell my Mom and everyone else I love but.. them.. I can't really tell that to anymore. My friends, they have been amazing to me, my family, my Mom, they are my rock. I don't want this blog to sound like a farewell because I think I will be fine, I am scared but odds are that I will come out of the surgery just fine- I just don't want to miss an opportunity to tell the people in my life that I love them so much. From my friends of old to my brand new friends- I love you all so much. You mean the world to me.

So heres to memories of past, present and future. Its time to live- you only get one life, so enjoy it. :)


xoxo