Singles Awareness Day is such a creeper.

Ah it is that time of year again. The flower companies are making bank, and jewelry stores are making sure that you know they have they best deal ever. It is amazing to me how materialized this holiday has gotten. Whatever.


So this time last year,  I was married. I was getting Tim's gift together- one I knew he was going to love. This was my last Valentines with him. I didn't know that at the time and I didn't know that I was going to be alone this year. He has a girlfriend that he is spending it with. I wonder sometimes why I am alone.. why nothing I have lasts long. But to answer my own question, I actually do know why- because it is the lord's will. It is his divine plan that I find myself becoming inpatient with. I know that one day I will meet the guy who is perfect for me, the guy who loves me for who I am  not what I can do for him... the guy that not only holds the priesthood but also holds my heart. I know that I have to go through the things that I am going through now to get to that point. Sometimes I feel like it drags on. I have been feeling sorry for myself. Thinking, what about me, me me.. I am trying to be patient and trying to understand that it is not about me- it is about the lord and what he wants for me. He knows what he is doing.. and I trust him.


I have been through a lot this week.. well the past two weeks. I admit it is testing my patience. But I know that, that is the reason that I am going through what I am going through. To teach me to be patient.. it is a virtue that I never picked up on. It is FAR time. It is amazing to me how I am starting to be able to understand why things happen in the order that they happen. Before I didn't know why.. I asked why why why all the time.. But prayer.. and asking my Heavenly Father why has blessed me with the ability to answer my own question nearly before it leaves my mouth. What an amazing gift I have acquired.


So now it is the waiting game. Maybe I am not putting myself out there as much as I should. Or maybe it is because the lord has something else in store for me first. Maybe that something is a mission? I am still praying. Mt Bishop and Stake President approved of a mission, and the mission people are considering me. I keep thinking of what could be to come. I can't help but smile about it. I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up too much, but what is the point of getting excited for something if you don't go all out? I am patiently waiting and praying. It's all I can do right now.


I find that stress relief is a necessity. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I know what to do about it, and I am not 100% accurate with it, but reading, praying and listening to hymns is the best stress relief I have found so far. Also simplifying my life is necessary. For anyone who knows me, even for a week knows that I am a gadget person. I love new phones, computers.. ect. I have to have the newest and best always, but for once in my life I have decided that it is not necessary to own those things. Now, I have a Macbook but I kinda can't take it back, nor do I want to. I need it for school. I have to have a computer... but my phone is the biggest thing. I had an HTC Evo and I loved it.. and I returned it and got a basic flip phone. Yeah, I did that. GO ME! I shocked myself, imagine what everyone else thought?!? It was a good feeling. Progression!


So today I have been feeling so strange, mainly because this past week has been rough and long, and I am not rested enough to hold my head straight let alone make conscious decisions. I found that I talk too negative about myself, I feel sorry for myself and I am a selfish person. I am aiming to change that. Today. It's hard me not feeling sad, specifically this time of year... but I have to trust my Heavenly Father. I am putting it all in his hands. One day I will feel complete its just not now.  I guess what bothers me is that I have not been on anything remotely like a date since this time last year. Tim never took me out, so when you live in the date capital of the world you feel kinda out of place. I guess I just would like someone to ask me to go on a date just once. There I go again, feeling sorry for myself. Its hard to smile when everyone else is so happy and you feel so incredibly alone. I knew this was going to happen when I moved here. I don't know how to approach people.. I am socially awkward when it comes to dating. Provo/Orem, Utah: Marriage Capital of the World. I think my expectations for this place were entirely too high. I guess I thought I would at least date when I got here. I was wrong. This is what leads me to think that there is something so much bigger out there for me. I am letting go of this, and I am going to pray about what I should do next. If it was meant for me to find someone already, I would have found them, but its not, and I am not going to question the lords decisions. He knows what he is doing. Well that is about all for now... I think I will go for a drive, take a view. It is too gorgeous outside to be sitting inside blogging about how pathetic my dating life is. I need to live, and the time is now.


Jenna