I find it so funny.

So after having a rather emotional day, with the holidays, no family and what not, I started thinking about the past. More specifically when I was going to Addison High School. I have not really stated my opinions about this place in a long time, and I most definitely have not said what is on my mind since I moved to Utah. Most people here have no clue what happened the 3 whole semesters that I went to school there. Now for most, that sounds like a very short period of time but for me, well.. it was 3 months of hell. Let me elaborate.


I moved to my Moms house in Alabama the summer after 8th grade. I had been living in Michigan with my Dad for the almost 4 years prior. When I moved to Alabama I had a very thick "yankee" accent. I moved with my Mom to Addison, Alabama. A tiny, one red light town where high school football was gospel and the town was full of high school jocks that never quite understood that they were no longer in High School, still wearing their high school football wardrobe, still attending every game, still screaming louder than the refs and cheerleaders put together.. along side them were god fearing, bleach blondes wearing giant crosses around their necks. I hate to say it this way but the majority of people in this town never really left high school- as in their attitudes and way of life never changed. This is your typical small town in Alabama- or typical small town really anywhere in the south. Now, not everyone is like this in Addison, but most people will tell you that anyone that was raised there, never really leaves. Its kinda like they are trapped. Their grand parents and parents were raised there, lived there, built a life there and thus their children will too. The cycle is vicious- at least to me.


So I was an outsider. I started talking to my cousin, who was one grade above me, and she introduced me to people in my grade. I made friends with them over the phone but on the first day of school I was ignored. I went to this place I didn't know and started attending a school where I technically had no friends.   I was instantly made fun of because of my thick "yankee" accent. The jokes started then. You see, in towns like Addison, if you were not raised there, you never quite fit in. So I made a couple of friends.. Becky, Bridgette, Ashley.. I even started talking to a guy, one grade above me named Josh. Everything was going good until then. I remember when the hurtful things started..


Josh and I were walking together from class and I had his class ring on my pointer finger- that is how you stated to the school that you were a "couple". Then the itneys walked in front of Josh and myself. The itneys (Brittney, Britney, Brittany, Whitney) were 4 girls who were best friends, the "popular" girls in my grade. As they walked up to me, one of them said, "Hey Brittany, isn't that your ring?" They took the ring from me and laughed and walked off. Josh was still walking with me. These girls felt as if they owned this guy.. so much that they could do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted when it came to him. He was one of the most popular guys in the school- naturally they would think he belonged to them. Right? A couple of days later, he got the ring back for me, and two weeks later he broke up with me to be back with one of the itneys. Which one, I have not the fondest to be quite honest.


New Years Eve that year I went with my friend Ashley to a party. We told our parents that we would be at our friend Beth's house, which we were- we just left early. It started snowing so we were unable to drive back to Beth's house without wrecking. County roads in the back woods of winston county and snow do not mix. So we had to stay the night there- the next morning my Mom already knew we were not at Beth's and I was grounded for a month. By the time I went back to school, rumors were flying about me. Bad rumors, that I was pregnant, that I had an abortion, that I was a slut, that I was a whore.. I had barely even kissed a guy, let alone do anything like that. I mean I was only 14 years old for crying out loud. The harassment started there. Every day at school people were cornering me, from in the hallway to the lunchroom, questioning me, as if they had any right. I was innocent, completely innocent. My friends quit hanging out with me, and I was utterly alone. My mom had to change our house number too, because people were calling at 3 in the morning to ask if I was pregnant. I cried so much- nearly daily. The final straw happened in Home Ec, Mrs. Vickerys class. Remember the people that I said never really leave high school? Well she was one of them. I was cornered in the foyer of the building by about 60% of the girls in that class, yelling at me, calling me names and threatening me. And Mrs. Vickery stood behind them, never saying word and just looked at me. The next day my Mom went to the principals office to see if there was anything he could do to stop it. He suggested she move me out of the school. Instead of fixing the problem he wanted to just get rid of me. 


Now I am not the only person that this happened to.. I heard of one girl who was really good at gymnastics being shoved behind lockers and hit with broom sticks. That girl ultimately became an "itney" in the end, but at least I was never physically abused. Girls are vicious, and even more so in such a small town, where they feel they have everything to lose. 


Fast forward a few years. I was a typical Alabama girl I guess, I never really claimed the state because of how much I hated it there- that kinda ended when I moved to Utah, because my family is there and it is home to me. However, I would NEVER raise my kids there. Ever. I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I found God and I developed a relationship with my savior and I have never been happier- and the people that hurt me in the past, well they hate Mormons. Which most protestant religions do anyway. 


I got out. I moved away, acquired a really good job, I am getting my bachelors degree in Paralegal, I have the most amazing friends I could ever ask for. I am standing on my own two feet. I live in a big town, with many options. But you know what? Those people, the ones who cornered me in school, the ones who made fun of me for no reason, the ones that claimed to be my friends and then stabbed me in the back, well.. they are still in Addison. They will never leave, just like generations past- they are permanently tied to that town. The popular guys that everyone wanted, they are meth addicts working at trailer plants, most of which with criminal records, the girls? Well some of them moved on and acquired degrees and have good jobs, but they are still in Addison, or Winston County. The majority of them I see with pictures of them living in trailer parks, or pictures of them trashed at the bar. Living the dream, eh? You see it takes a certain type of motivation for people to realize that they are going no where in life. So this is to all of you who made fun of me, who called me names, who treated me like I was nothing- you gave me the motivation to do something with my life- the motivation to get out of Addison and actually LIVE my life. And while you stay there, in that one red light town, rotting away with no real future, I am living, truly living. I have everything I have ever wanted- and you have the exact thing that you tried to drag me down to.. nothing. I wish you all the best but karma is kinda a bitch. Suck it up buttercup, this is the life you chose when you decided to put people beneath you. I hope you are all happy :)

I wonder..

I know we all do it, reminisce on the past. But I wonder if those thoughts, feelings, emotions will ever leave. I't not talking so much about my ex husband and my life with him, although those memories undoubtedly will stay with me forever, but I am talking about my life between the ages of 15-21. Before my husband, before drinking and partying. I was trying to suppress memories of my ex fiancé David- and I have discovered that I absolutely quit thinking, listening to music and doing anything that relates to him. But not just him, my life at that time. Cheerleading, school, my friends at that time, the experiences that I went through, my family, my enemies, my life.

I don't think we can ever truly forget how our lives were- they are the memories that make me thankful for my life. So much has changed over the past 9 years... wow. 9 years- that seems like an eternity- even harder to think that it feels like it was just yesterday. I like to think about riding in the car with David, fighting over the songs that were playing and how after we split up I would give anything to hear that music, cheerleading practice in the heat of the summer where my dear friend Krista was explaining how to stand when you were in the air.. before she passed away. Home Ec with Megan and Chuck, we made some amazing sausage balls and chinese food! I miss him so much! He died a few years ago- I don't think he really knew how much people loved him. I remember football games and freezing in my cheer uniform or burning up and my makeup sweating off. I remember Jennifer and I were dating David and Mark and they would make us record them suited up in their Cordova football gear literally beating each other up while Welcome to the Jungle blared in the background. I remember trips to the mall in Birmingham with David and Michael. I was such a brat back then. I fought with him just to fight- maybe thats why he cheated on me so much. I really did love him- I always will love him but those memories here as of late have been pretty profound. But I also think its because I am about to jump into a new chapter of my life.. it makes me realize just how away my teens were. Crazy how vivid those memories stay.

I think about living with LeeAnna and having Tommy, Jeremy (Dirrty J) and Thomas as our neighbors. Airsoft wars in the woods, and being threatened daily with a BB to the hip when I would get home from work. Drinking sober with Lee at our Home Bar. Meeting Tim for the first time and then months later finding that I was falling in love with him. I always loved him.. I really did. Its hard to think that he was so quick to walk away from me. I remember hanging out with my best friend Kayla and making some of the absolute best memories. I miss her and Lyndsey so much, so when I go home I hope to see them.

I also think that with my surgery coming up in less than two months I have been pondering my life so much. In case something happens I want people to know how much they have meant to me.. how much I love them. My life has not been perfect but it has been so memorable and there is only one thing that I would change. I would tell David and Tim how much I really loved them. I don't think I said it enough, I still have time to tell my Mom and everyone else I love but.. them.. I can't really tell that to anymore. My friends, they have been amazing to me, my family, my Mom, they are my rock. I don't want this blog to sound like a farewell because I think I will be fine, I am scared but odds are that I will come out of the surgery just fine- I just don't want to miss an opportunity to tell the people in my life that I love them so much. From my friends of old to my brand new friends- I love you all so much. You mean the world to me.

So heres to memories of past, present and future. Its time to live- you only get one life, so enjoy it. :)


xoxo

Thoughts for the night.

Thoughts for the night: 


I never get enough sleep.
I am pretty sure that my new c-pap machine is going to kill me.
I am getting more anxious every day before my surgery. (Feb 14th.. what a Valentines gift!)
I have met some pretty amazing people lately- and I have realized how blessed I truly am. (Their kids are pretty spectacular too!)
School is going to be the death of me, I just know it.
My iPhone is saving my sanity on a daily basis.
Its nice to shop for yourself once in a while.
Giving a gift is nice, but it makes all the difference when it is something that you actually make yourself.
My amazing friend Cecily makes the absolute hands down best fajitas.
Its kinda strange living in this big apartment with only one other roommate. Everyone else already moved out.
The scriptures are awesome- its amazing how much you can learn in just a few pages.
I think I am going to spoil myself with food type things until I can't have them anymore- I feel justified. 
Yes, Christmas is the best time of year.
After mixing 3 different candle waxes I am pretty sure I have created a carmel frappe candle in the process. My room smells amazing.
Ancestry.com is killing my inner child.
I am confident I will lose my 3rd chapstick that I have purchased in the past 2 months soon.
I am addicted to the Dear John Soundtrack.
I wear my heart on my sleeve way too much- I just don't think it is too much to ask for someone to love me. 
I should, when driving home from Salt Lake City, leave much earlier than 8:30.
Law School scares me- good luck to my friends who are currently in it or recently accepted. 
Amazon: I love you.
Febreze: I love you too.


Thats all.

Decisions, Changes.. Life in general.

I have a few major decisions placed before me. Im not really going into detail with any of them, but just know that I have a lot of soul searching and a lot of praying to do. But my life could or could not take the most amazing turn. I have been through a lot, a lot of tears and a lot of questions. I have lost a lot and could lose more, who knows. 


The gym is going really good. I am thankful that I am able to go. I need to tone up my arms and stomach so I don't look like a bat after my surgery haha.


I know I have said this before, but the scriptures are absolutely amazing. I am learning so much. Doctrine of the church just blows me away with the more that I read. I just had the most amazing conversation with my friend Shannon. I love deep convos with friends.. it makes me realize how amazing it is to have people like that in your life.


Thats about it. Short and sweet. :)


xoxo

Do Work!

So yesterday I finally received my Gold's Gym membership from work. 1 full year paid for. It is AMAZING! So I have been pretty sick lately with this cold thing, and I left work early. My friend Shannon got off at 3 so I met her at the gym just to go into the steam room or the sauna to open up my head. When I got there I realized that I have a gym membership.. a full one, so I should work out. What a refresher! My legs felt like jello by the time I left but I was so energized. So this morning at 6:15 AM I woke up and called Shannon, we met at the gym at 6:30 and worked out. I stayed about an hour and did a fast pace walk, biked, and used the elliptical. I quit drinking coffee over a year ago, and this is a good replacement for being lethargic in the morning. Get it! :)


I met with my nutritionist on Tuesday and set up my eating plan for after my surgery. She also went over some things that I can start doing before the surgery to help me prepare for the mental anguish that I am going to go through. Even though we don't realize it, we all have emotional attachments to food and those barriers need to be broken down before we go through something traumatic. 


I am not getting to go home for Christmas, and I have to say I am really sad about it. However, it will be good to see my Mom next month. My childhood friend Chachi is flying up from Arizona too hopefully. She had the surgery 2 years ago, so she knows what to expect. 


I have a super busy day today though! After I left the gym I was going to go to the temple, but I soon realized I will not have enough time to do a session so, my friend Becky is coming over to hang out, then at 11 I have a meeting with my attorney.. then I am going to the temple. At 5:30 I am meeting with some amazing friends :) All in all today is going to be an amazing day! I mean honestly, how can it not when I started at 6:30 with a workout? 


Happy Thursday!

Just a quick update :)

So my life is wonderful. I am sure I have said that before, but it really is. It is looking like I am getting to go home for Christmas! I am so excited! It will be good to see my family! I have not met Ava or Tanner yet (my new niece and nephew) So I am happy that I will finally get to meet them.


I am getting my surgery in January. I had my sleep study last week and I will have the results in about a week from now. I have two more appointments and I will be done with everything that the surgeon is requiring. My mom is coming here to help and I have a huge support group. I am scared but I know that this will be SO worth it!


I moved back to Provo. Thankfully! And I received a new calling: 1st councilor in the Relief Society Presidency. So far it has been great, and I am excited to see what is to come. I love Provo so much, I really do. I thought I didn't- but I'm pretty sure that was a lie haha!


Also I have new pictures! Firstly, the transformation that has occurred with me. I have lost 30 lbs since moving to Utah- more specifically since my gallbladder surgery. 

The first picture was my wedding day, May 30th 2008, and the second one was taken November 19th 2011- just a couple of weeks ago. I say it is major progress! I am super excited for my surgery now, because 30 lbs has taken so much off of me emotionally and physically. 

I learned how to knit :) 

Start:

                                                                             Finish!




I did want to take a quick minute to recognize my amazing friends. I am so thankful for them. I have met some amazing people here!

My roommate Britney and I

My dear friend Mariah and I 

My awesome co-worker and friend Shannon.

 My old roommate and best friend Becky.

My old roommates Becky and Jose :)

Jose's girlfriend Sharon, Myself and Becky

My neighbor and friend Jessica. 

Not quite sure why I look sad. haha 

HAHA

 I am really thankful for all I have.. and all the amazing people who have entered my life. Now obviously this is not all of them, but just the ones I have pictures of. I love my friends here, they make my whole world complete.


Anyway, this was really quick because it is almost 1 am and I have church in the morning. I hope everyone is having a wonderful night. 


xoxo

My Wish List.

So instead of just telling everyone what I want for Christmas, I decided to make a list of all the things that make me happy. I am super easy to please, but these are things that I can and will buy for myself that will make me the happiest.


1. Sewing Machine. I am determined to make my own skirts after my surgery. :)
2. Barnes & Noble Nook. I think in the long run it will actually SAVE money. No more buying books to weigh down my purse. No breaking the straps on my purse. :)
3. More yarn. Any type of yarn. 
4. A hard case for my Macbook Pro. Scratches are killing me! 
5. Chapstick. Burts bees or the kind I bought before I moved here. I ran out and they do not sell it here! What is this?!?
6. Candles. Smelly good ones. Walmart brand works fine, but I love the Candle Barn or Bath and Body Works.
7. iTunes gift card. I need some new jams.
8. A box of fruit snacks. I love them so much!
9. Picture frames of all kinds. Old, vintage or modern- anything will do.


And last but most definitely not least..


10. A trip home to see my family.


Thats pretty much it. I love simple things so much, and I wish life was not as complicated as it is. But I do love the life I have and I am thankful for everything I have been given. 


Happy Holidays!