After my last few blogs being some what depressing (sorry about that), I decided it's time for a good ole fashioned rant. Well not so much a rant, okay I lied, it is a rant.
Rant numero uno.
Let me start with my glorious new bi-pap machine. For those of you who have no idea what that is, let me elaborate. It is a machine with a mask that pushes air into my lungs. The mask covers my nose and mouth and when I breathe in more air is pushed and when I breathe out it slows down. It has a humidifier in it to make sure that I am getting the right amount of moisture while breathing. I have to wear this monster to ensure that I breathe at night. After 2 sleep studies, we found out that I quit breathing on average 8 times an hour- that is until I start to dream, and then I stop about 25 times an hour. Scary right? So I use this air torture device every night. Okay. Let me explain something.. I am claustrophobic- meaning that tight places or small places are no bueno, and this thing makes me feel like someone has their hands over my nose and mouth... I go to sleep feeling somewhat okay, until I have to sneeze, itch my nose, cough or speak for that matter. Ive been sick for a week now so all of those things are bound to happen at least once while I am asleep. So as I am attempting to get comfortable, the tubing is laying across my face, because of course I am the wierdo that can't sleep on my back. I am twisting and turing trying to maneuver a good sleeping position while wrestling with this tube. Then I remember, oh shit, I can't breathe! I don't know what in the world makes my mind think that I can't breathe while I have a good steady flow of air going into my lungs. So then I proceed to rip the mask off of my face. I start gasping for air as if I have been deprived for an hour. I look down at the machine, that I am now convinced was trying to kill me, and decide, Im just going to turn it off. It is no good. I don't need this.. (yeah right) then I remember, oh yeah, they monitor if it is on or not, and my oh-so-awesome insurance will charge me if I have it and I am not using it. Great. Night 1 I received maybe 2 hours of sleep total, and 3 nice panic attacks. Night 2, I received more sleep, but I just let the stupid thing run without it being on my face the entire night. Sneaky sneaky. :)
Rant numero dos.
My lovely job. My job that I love so much, it hurts. Rightttt... I hate my job haha.. I mean who does not say that? So after taking all of our perks away, failing to staff correctly, and taking away our holiday pay, I mean really what is there not to like? Lets add that everyone is quitting... just waking out in the middle of their shift or not coming in at all. Instead of having at least 30 seconds between phone calls it is non stop back to back phone calls. So on Thursday, I needed to be off work in the morning so I could go to my appointment to pick up the death machine or bi-pap and get set up on it. I sent in the request on Monday- denied, my manager sent it in Tuesday and escalated it, denied again. Their reasoning? They do not have enough people staffed.. and how is that my fault? So they are denying medical time off requests because they do not know how to manage staffing? I guess on Thursday they had 50 calls in the queue and a 10 minute wait, so after being on long calls all day long I now also have pissed off customers yelling and cussing at me because they had to wait- which is also not my fault. They are not staffing adequately because they are over budget.. why are they over budget? because instead of hiring more hourly paid employees to actually take care of our customers, they hired salaried employees to do stupid shit like, run our Facebook page. Really? The company really has went down hill- really really quickly. Time for a new job.
Rant numero tres.
My ex husbands logger beard. What the freak is going on with his face? Im sorry, but when I saw the picture I just laughed. Not only has his choice in women DRAMATICALLY changed but he now looks like he should be on the show American Loggers. I was kinda shocked, because when we were together he was clean cut, but now.. I have not the foggiest why he thinks that looks good. Oh well, she has to look at him not me I guess. I don't really care but he has done some things recently that are kinda shocking to me. Of course he probably has said the same thing about me. "Well she became a Mormon and moved to Utah.." lol
I digress.
I think that is all of my rants today, I should do this more often, it feels awesome to let it all out!!!
I have had a lot of time to think lately.. about my life, the future and my career. I have been in school for Paralegal for two and a half years, and I am sick of it. I hate it. More specifically because in order for me to finish my degree here I need to re take a ton of classes. I am still going to get my associates (I only lack 2 classes) but I do not want to do something I hate. So I started looking at alternatives. I need more hands on type of work- paperwork has gotten really old. My mind was thinking, but you have so much done, but my heart said differently. My dream is to do make up, it has always been my dream but I was afraid to tell people because they are so quick to judge. When I was younger I would do my sisters prom make up, and make up for their friends. So I have decided to go to beauty school. I will start at Aveda after I heal from my surgery. I have talked to multiple people and I think that this would make me the happiest. I do not want to be miserable with my career.
In exactly 30 days from today, I start my liquid diet. My surgery date is February 14th.. what a GREAT Valentines day I will have! I am so scared, but I know once it is all said and done and I am healed I will be thankful I had it. It will be a hard road but I am willing to go down it. The reason I am even getting the surgery is because of health reasons. Let me explain.
I have a condition called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS for short. I developed it when I was about 16. I was with a steady boyfriend named David, and even though I was young, we were sexually active and I thought I was pregnant. I was gaining weight, and my periods had stopped. I went to the doctor to find out that not only was I not pregnant, but I had cysts on my ovaries that were preventing me from ovulating. Because of the PCOS I gained almost 80 lbs in a year and I started developing other medical issues. My sugar started bottoming out, and I nearly passed out multiple times. I could barely hold my head up some days and with cheerleading I could not concentrate. My blood pressure started getting higher and higher the more weight I would gain, and between the rapid weight gain and the blood sugar levels, I was feeling pretty awful. Since then I have not been able to conceive children as I only ovulate at a 0.02%- even though I am not trying anymore, when I am ready for kids, I want to be actually able to have them. I also have acid reflux, fatty liver disease, obstructive sleep apnea (which I will soon be wearing a c-pap for) and because I am obese my risk for breast cancer, and multiple other cancers increases dramatically. My mom is in remission from breast cancer, my great aunt is in remission, and my mamaw (grandmother) died in 1992 from liver cancer due to the spread of breast cancer. Also, my great grandmother died of liver cancer- with my fatty liver disease my risk is higher for this as well because of the extra "fat" that my liver has in it. My risk for heart attack and heart disease is nearly 50% higher than the average 25 year old woman.
As I stand right now, I am a ticking time bomb. I have more medical issues than people double my age. I don't sleep well, ever. I hurt and ache when I wake up every morning because the joints in my knees are carrying so much weight every day, eventually they will blow out sooner than someone of normal weight. My dad has sleep apnea, and is about to have a knee replacement- he is only 58. My mom is in remission from breast cancer- she is only 48. Younger and younger problems like this hit, and I do not want to die before I am 60. I need to fix this while I am young enough to handle the surgery. I have tried every diet known, including doctor supervised diets and working out, but because of the PCOS and being insulin resistant, I barely can lose weight- other alternatives take too much time. I don't have the time to wait.. when you have medical problems like I do, things that can kill you, you don't wait, you fix the problem now. The quicker the better. That is why I am getting it. What drove me over the edge to make my final decision was not the fact that my risk for breast cancer is much higher now (in the 70% range), but because of how I am treated in Utah by people.
They do not understand the need to be accepted that an obese person goes through every day, they do not understand the constant emotional struggles, the constant depression. I walk into a store that does not sell my size, just to buy accessories, because that is all I can fit- but the looks people give me, like I am not suppose to be here. Its unfair. Men treat me like they would rather hang themselves than to be seen on a date with someone like me. You have a pretty face but you are fat. If I had a quarter for every time I have heard that. Just recently people have kinda been let in on how much it affects me. Its pure hell. And I hear from guys, "You know, if someone has a problem with the way you look, then its their loss.." but these are the same guys that refuse to date me. They care because they are friends with me, but we will never be anything more because of my weight. Its wrong, and until you have been in my shoes, until you have been obese, then you have no clue. It has nothing to do with confidence. I have, or had confidence that is until I have been turned down by 99% of guys I was interested in due to my weight. You lose confidence. Its hard to keep your head up when you feel like you are constantly being shoved under water.
So I made the decision to get the surgery, and now that my date is coming up- quicker than I ever thought I am becoming more scared. I figure if I die, at least I died trying.
I want to point out the positives though... I know a lot of my blogs/statuses have been a little depressing lately, I am just going through a lot. I am trying to keep positive and to think about the amazing future that is a head of me. Sad that in order to have an amazing future I have to get a life threatening surgery.
So the positives..
Firstly- Medical: My PCOS will be gone. Completely gone. My sleep apnea will go away eventually. The stats of that is 70% of people have improvement.. anything works for me honestly. I don't want to wear that mask forever- It suffocates me. My acid reflux will be gone, my blood pressure will go down, I will be 20% less likely to get breast cancer. Ill take anything because of my risk being so high right now. Mt fatty liver disease will also go away. My risk of liver disease, heart disease and heart attack will nearly sever in half. I will have normal risks like everyone else. People tend to take their health for granted- we all do, until it starts to slip away. I get the chance to get my life back.
Secondly- Food: I will never again eat like I can now. My stomach will be only able to hold about 2 ounces of food at a time. No sugars, caffeine, carbonated beverages, candy, condensed carbohydrates (nothing white and refined... which includes nearly everything.) I will not be able to eat and drink at the same time, only 30 minutes before and 30 minutes after. I can no longer gulp liquids- only sip. This isn't just for right after my surgery, this is the rest of my life. I will be on multi vitamins the rest of my life as well. Because the surgery limits my food intake it also limits my absorption- and without the vitamins my body needs, I will be come very weak, very sick, and unable to fight off normal sicknesses. Ever heard of anyone dying because of refusal to take their daily vitamin? Well it can happen with weight loss surgery patients. I will learn to eat well because if I don't well, I will have a condition called dumping syndrome. Dumping syndrome means vomiting, explosive diarrhea, back aches, sweats, fever, body aches.. every time I eat something I can not have. I have had so many friends say, well you can eat whatever you want after you heal.. NO you can't. I will NEVER be able to eat like that again. Then I have heard, well my friend had it and she eats what she wants. Maybe she seems like that around you, but I guarantee she does not eat whatever she wants. The dumping syndrome does not allow you. YouTube dumping syndrome videos- trust me your "friend" will not eat whatever she wants when she goes through that every time. And she does have it if she had gastric bypass. It does not work that way. People act like I don't know what I am talking about when I say this.. I have researched this surgery for years.. 6 years to be exact. Even though I have not had the surgery, I can already tell you that NO ONE wants dumpings. Ever.
Thirdly- Physical: I get to go shopping for new clothes, not just some but a whole new wardrobe, at the places that I want to shop at. I can wear what I want, finally. People will treat me differently according to everyone I have ever spoken to that has had the surgery. Not just people in general, but my friends, and family. Good and bad. The good is that I will be able to do more with my friends because my weight will not prohibit me, the bad is that some of my bigger friends will develop a jealousy streak that could end our friendship. I hope that does not happen but it is a problem with being a big girl. I have been like that before, not enough to quit hanging out with someone but bad enough that I would rather not anymore. If I am not already dating someone by the time my surgery comes up, I will be able to date more. Its like an unspoken rule that mormon men only date skinny girls. Which is complete garbage, but that is how society looks at courting. Skinny girls get the guys, guys in general lust after skinny girls. Very rarely will you see a model over a size 4 that guys have posters of. It just does not work that way. Every aspect of my life will be changing.
Am I ready for it? Maybe. I may have said yes before, but I don't think that anyone is ready for that type of change. Its emotional, physical, medical.. its the biggest event of my life so far. February 14th here I come, ready or not.
So after having a rather emotional day, with the holidays, no family and what not, I started thinking about the past. More specifically when I was going to Addison High School. I have not really stated my opinions about this place in a long time, and I most definitely have not said what is on my mind since I moved to Utah. Most people here have no clue what happened the 3 whole semesters that I went to school there. Now for most, that sounds like a very short period of time but for me, well.. it was 3 months of hell. Let me elaborate.
I moved to my Moms house in Alabama the summer after 8th grade. I had been living in Michigan with my Dad for the almost 4 years prior. When I moved to Alabama I had a very thick "yankee" accent. I moved with my Mom to Addison, Alabama. A tiny, one red light town where high school football was gospel and the town was full of high school jocks that never quite understood that they were no longer in High School, still wearing their high school football wardrobe, still attending every game, still screaming louder than the refs and cheerleaders put together.. along side them were god fearing, bleach blondes wearing giant crosses around their necks. I hate to say it this way but the majority of people in this town never really left high school- as in their attitudes and way of life never changed. This is your typical small town in Alabama- or typical small town really anywhere in the south. Now, not everyone is like this in Addison, but most people will tell you that anyone that was raised there, never really leaves. Its kinda like they are trapped. Their grand parents and parents were raised there, lived there, built a life there and thus their children will too. The cycle is vicious- at least to me.
So I was an outsider. I started talking to my cousin, who was one grade above me, and she introduced me to people in my grade. I made friends with them over the phone but on the first day of school I was ignored. I went to this place I didn't know and started attending a school where I technically had no friends. I was instantly made fun of because of my thick "yankee" accent. The jokes started then. You see, in towns like Addison, if you were not raised there, you never quite fit in. So I made a couple of friends.. Becky, Bridgette, Ashley.. I even started talking to a guy, one grade above me named Josh. Everything was going good until then. I remember when the hurtful things started..
Josh and I were walking together from class and I had his class ring on my pointer finger- that is how you stated to the school that you were a "couple". Then the itneys walked in front of Josh and myself. The itneys (Brittney, Britney, Brittany, Whitney) were 4 girls who were best friends, the "popular" girls in my grade. As they walked up to me, one of them said, "Hey Brittany, isn't that your ring?" They took the ring from me and laughed and walked off. Josh was still walking with me. These girls felt as if they owned this guy.. so much that they could do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted when it came to him. He was one of the most popular guys in the school- naturally they would think he belonged to them. Right? A couple of days later, he got the ring back for me, and two weeks later he broke up with me to be back with one of the itneys. Which one, I have not the fondest to be quite honest.
New Years Eve that year I went with my friend Ashley to a party. We told our parents that we would be at our friend Beth's house, which we were- we just left early. It started snowing so we were unable to drive back to Beth's house without wrecking. County roads in the back woods of winston county and snow do not mix. So we had to stay the night there- the next morning my Mom already knew we were not at Beth's and I was grounded for a month. By the time I went back to school, rumors were flying about me. Bad rumors, that I was pregnant, that I had an abortion, that I was a slut, that I was a whore.. I had barely even kissed a guy, let alone do anything like that. I mean I was only 14 years old for crying out loud. The harassment started there. Every day at school people were cornering me, from in the hallway to the lunchroom, questioning me, as if they had any right. I was innocent, completely innocent. My friends quit hanging out with me, and I was utterly alone. My mom had to change our house number too, because people were calling at 3 in the morning to ask if I was pregnant. I cried so much- nearly daily. The final straw happened in Home Ec, Mrs. Vickerys class. Remember the people that I said never really leave high school? Well she was one of them. I was cornered in the foyer of the building by about 60% of the girls in that class, yelling at me, calling me names and threatening me. And Mrs. Vickery stood behind them, never saying word and just looked at me. The next day my Mom went to the principals office to see if there was anything he could do to stop it. He suggested she move me out of the school. Instead of fixing the problem he wanted to just get rid of me.
Now I am not the only person that this happened to.. I heard of one girl who was really good at gymnastics being shoved behind lockers and hit with broom sticks. That girl ultimately became an "itney" in the end, but at least I was never physically abused. Girls are vicious, and even more so in such a small town, where they feel they have everything to lose.
Fast forward a few years. I was a typical Alabama girl I guess, I never really claimed the state because of how much I hated it there- that kinda ended when I moved to Utah, because my family is there and it is home to me. However, I would NEVER raise my kids there. Ever. I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I found God and I developed a relationship with my savior and I have never been happier- and the people that hurt me in the past, well they hate Mormons. Which most protestant religions do anyway.
I got out. I moved away, acquired a really good job, I am getting my bachelors degree in Paralegal, I have the most amazing friends I could ever ask for. I am standing on my own two feet. I live in a big town, with many options. But you know what? Those people, the ones who cornered me in school, the ones who made fun of me for no reason, the ones that claimed to be my friends and then stabbed me in the back, well.. they are still in Addison. They will never leave, just like generations past- they are permanently tied to that town. The popular guys that everyone wanted, they are meth addicts working at trailer plants, most of which with criminal records, the girls? Well some of them moved on and acquired degrees and have good jobs, but they are still in Addison, or Winston County. The majority of them I see with pictures of them living in trailer parks, or pictures of them trashed at the bar. Living the dream, eh? You see it takes a certain type of motivation for people to realize that they are going no where in life. So this is to all of you who made fun of me, who called me names, who treated me like I was nothing- you gave me the motivation to do something with my life- the motivation to get out of Addison and actually LIVE my life. And while you stay there, in that one red light town, rotting away with no real future, I am living, truly living. I have everything I have ever wanted- and you have the exact thing that you tried to drag me down to.. nothing. I wish you all the best but karma is kinda a bitch. Suck it up buttercup, this is the life you chose when you decided to put people beneath you. I hope you are all happy :)
I know we all do it, reminisce on the past. But I wonder if those thoughts, feelings, emotions will ever leave. I't not talking so much about my ex husband and my life with him, although those memories undoubtedly will stay with me forever, but I am talking about my life between the ages of 15-21. Before my husband, before drinking and partying. I was trying to suppress memories of my ex fiancé David- and I have discovered that I absolutely quit thinking, listening to music and doing anything that relates to him. But not just him, my life at that time. Cheerleading, school, my friends at that time, the experiences that I went through, my family, my enemies, my life.
I don't think we can ever truly forget how our lives were- they are the memories that make me thankful for my life. So much has changed over the past 9 years... wow. 9 years- that seems like an eternity- even harder to think that it feels like it was just yesterday. I like to think about riding in the car with David, fighting over the songs that were playing and how after we split up I would give anything to hear that music, cheerleading practice in the heat of the summer where my dear friend Krista was explaining how to stand when you were in the air.. before she passed away. Home Ec with Megan and Chuck, we made some amazing sausage balls and chinese food! I miss him so much! He died a few years ago- I don't think he really knew how much people loved him. I remember football games and freezing in my cheer uniform or burning up and my makeup sweating off. I remember Jennifer and I were dating David and Mark and they would make us record them suited up in their Cordova football gear literally beating each other up while Welcome to the Jungle blared in the background. I remember trips to the mall in Birmingham with David and Michael. I was such a brat back then. I fought with him just to fight- maybe thats why he cheated on me so much. I really did love him- I always will love him but those memories here as of late have been pretty profound. But I also think its because I am about to jump into a new chapter of my life.. it makes me realize just how away my teens were. Crazy how vivid those memories stay.
So heres to memories of past, present and future. Its time to live- you only get one life, so enjoy it. :)
xoxo
Thoughts for the night:
I never get enough sleep.
I am pretty sure that my new c-pap machine is going to kill me.
I am getting more anxious every day before my surgery. (Feb 14th.. what a Valentines gift!)
I have met some pretty amazing people lately- and I have realized how blessed I truly am. (Their kids are pretty spectacular too!)
School is going to be the death of me, I just know it.
My iPhone is saving my sanity on a daily basis.
Its nice to shop for yourself once in a while.
Giving a gift is nice, but it makes all the difference when it is something that you actually make yourself.
My amazing friend Cecily makes the absolute hands down best fajitas.
Its kinda strange living in this big apartment with only one other roommate. Everyone else already moved out.
The scriptures are awesome- its amazing how much you can learn in just a few pages.
I think I am going to spoil myself with food type things until I can't have them anymore- I feel justified.
Yes, Christmas is the best time of year.
After mixing 3 different candle waxes I am pretty sure I have created a carmel frappe candle in the process. My room smells amazing.
Ancestry.com is killing my inner child.
I am confident I will lose my 3rd chapstick that I have purchased in the past 2 months soon.
I am addicted to the Dear John Soundtrack.
I wear my heart on my sleeve way too much- I just don't think it is too much to ask for someone to love me.
I should, when driving home from Salt Lake City, leave much earlier than 8:30.
Law School scares me- good luck to my friends who are currently in it or recently accepted.
Amazon: I love you.
Febreze: I love you too.
Thats all.
I have a few major decisions placed before me. Im not really going into detail with any of them, but just know that I have a lot of soul searching and a lot of praying to do. But my life could or could not take the most amazing turn. I have been through a lot, a lot of tears and a lot of questions. I have lost a lot and could lose more, who knows.
The gym is going really good. I am thankful that I am able to go. I need to tone up my arms and stomach so I don't look like a bat after my surgery haha.
I know I have said this before, but the scriptures are absolutely amazing. I am learning so much. Doctrine of the church just blows me away with the more that I read. I just had the most amazing conversation with my friend Shannon. I love deep convos with friends.. it makes me realize how amazing it is to have people like that in your life.
Thats about it. Short and sweet. :)
xoxo
So yesterday I finally received my Gold's Gym membership from work. 1 full year paid for. It is AMAZING! So I have been pretty sick lately with this cold thing, and I left work early. My friend Shannon got off at 3 so I met her at the gym just to go into the steam room or the sauna to open up my head. When I got there I realized that I have a gym membership.. a full one, so I should work out. What a refresher! My legs felt like jello by the time I left but I was so energized. So this morning at 6:15 AM I woke up and called Shannon, we met at the gym at 6:30 and worked out. I stayed about an hour and did a fast pace walk, biked, and used the elliptical. I quit drinking coffee over a year ago, and this is a good replacement for being lethargic in the morning. Get it! :)
I met with my nutritionist on Tuesday and set up my eating plan for after my surgery. She also went over some things that I can start doing before the surgery to help me prepare for the mental anguish that I am going to go through. Even though we don't realize it, we all have emotional attachments to food and those barriers need to be broken down before we go through something traumatic.
I am not getting to go home for Christmas, and I have to say I am really sad about it. However, it will be good to see my Mom next month. My childhood friend Chachi is flying up from Arizona too hopefully. She had the surgery 2 years ago, so she knows what to expect.
I have a super busy day today though! After I left the gym I was going to go to the temple, but I soon realized I will not have enough time to do a session so, my friend Becky is coming over to hang out, then at 11 I have a meeting with my attorney.. then I am going to the temple. At 5:30 I am meeting with some amazing friends :) All in all today is going to be an amazing day! I mean honestly, how can it not when I started at 6:30 with a workout?
Happy Thursday!
