Done.

So since I have lived in my new apartment I have been dealing with an issue with my roommates. I loved them as people but their actions broke many of the Honor Code Rules of BYU Approved Housing (which is where I live) After countless times of finding alcohol in the fridge (which if the RA's found out I could get evicted, but not only that blamed for buying underage girls alcohol- which means jail time) I decided to take matters into my own hands. I emailed the Landlord of the apartments.. it goes as follows:


Nina,

Since moving into the Branbury, I have lived in 4 different apartments. One of which I never had roommate issues. The first time was because of a roommate going into my room, lying ect.. the second time was a cleanliness issue.. but never did I think that living in BYU housing I would experience what I am now.

I chose BYU housing because of the LDS standards that are here, however two of my current roommates fail in that area. Here are my concerns:

Day 3 of me being in the hospital for my surgery (2/18) a party was thrown. Alcohol was involved, and not only that the people participating in the drinking were all under age, my two roommates Bella and Morgan both 18, and a roommates friend who was 17. I have 2 witnesses of what happened, one being my other roommate Margari and my Mother, who was staying here while I was recovering and just sleeping in my bed because of a lack of sleeping areas at the hospital. (This was pre approved through the Branbury if there were questions about it)

I do not appreciate alcohol in my apartment, more specifically because of the honor code that was signed by all of us. Now, I am not perfect, but in no way shape or form would I ever allow something like this if I were home. Not only did it break the honor code, the Branburys rules, but it also broke the law.

My roommate Bella, invites her sister over often, and she usually brings alcohol into the apartment. Multiple times I have found an un opened case of beer or other types of alcohol in my fridge. If the cops were to have been called because of the noise from the party, my mother and Margari would have paid the price when neither were involved in any of it.

They risked not just themselves, but myself, Margari and my Mother from getting into trouble with the law and possible eviction.

I have spoke with my Bishop (Bishop Hazen) about the situation already, and he knows about the alcohol in the apartment and the party. I was trying to keep the peace because I was friends with these girls. I am much older than they are, and I would rather just live here and work, because that is what I need, but enough is enough. I moved here for a safe haven because non-byu housing does not offer that. Bella is wanting to re sign her contract, but I do not want to live with someone who discards the honor code (and breaks the law) constantly, and Morgan who does the same. Morgan is gone most of the time, but when she is here it is constant drama and she would be the one who allowed her 17 year old friend to come and "party".  When Morgan was confronted about the party she got very angry.

My request is not to move apartments, because this is not my problem, I have moved enough, but have the problem removed from the apartment. I know this may sound extremely religious, but the spirit does not reside here anymore, and my spirituality and sanity are suffering because of it. There are many more problems but most do not breach the honor code.

I will be coming in at 10AM to speak with someone as well, I do not know what else to do other than to email you. I just wanted you to be aware of the situation before I came in to speak with someone.

Thank you for your concern.

Jenna




So after sending this letter, filling out a report, as well as Margari, Mariah and my Mom- the girls were sent a letter for eviction. They both instantly blamed Mariah and myself. I was confronted today from Morgan, she said that if I had a problem with her I should have came to her, but the thing is, and I told her this, that Margari said to her the next day that she didn't want alcohol in the apartment and she told her that she paid rent and she would do what ever the hell she wanted. Wrong. I moved to BYU housing to be free of crap like that. I told her that if she wanted to play the part of an adult then she needed to act like one, and quit putting us all at risk of losing our apartment. We talked (I talked at her basically) for about 30 minutes. Finally she was done and walked away. 


Then I had a meeting with Nina the landlord and my bishop and basically it sounded like this was my fault.. that I was at fault too. I was SO upset after meeting with my bishop, and while walking home I twisted my ankle, fell and hurt my toe, and back (like I need another back injury).. When I walked in the door, music was blaring that was "F this, F that" and I asked Bella to turn it down, she ignored me. I asked her a 3rd time, and she turned around and said, "Don't F*****g talk to me". I flipped out, it turned into a screaming match. She is a child.. a immature child with a LOT to learn. She is a home wrecker- sleeping with married men, and having relations with women as well, she still does drugs, she still drinks.. and the thing is she says she is repentant.. everyone says that. Amazing that she called Mariah and I "Bitches" as we were walking out the door. I confronted her about that too. I was so mad.. I almost hit her.. it was all I could do in my power not to hit her. She is a liar and a manipulator- she has everyone fooled except for me. 


But I got my way, and she is out. I hope she reads this, I really do. I recorded while she was screaming and cussing. it was fantastic haha. Oh well. If she slips up one more time, she is out. I hope she does, I hope she slips up so bad that no one can hide it for her. 


This is bitter I know.. but I don't care. I hate disrespectful people. So that was my day.. full of drama drama drama.  It is time to go to bed, but I just wanted this on my blog.. whew.


xoxo

"You're looking frail..."

My confidence is coming back.. slowly, but surely. I am thankful for it..  I was so confident before Tim and I were married, and then once he left, and I moved out here, well you can say that I was shy. My confidence was nearly gone. I felt like I had let myself go, and I was oblivious until people in Utah pointed out the fact that I was fat, and much bigger than all of my friends. The people that are my friends now, please do not let me change. I do not want to be cocky, I just want the confidence I once had back. So I am going on a date this week, which will be nice! It is about time. I am getting more attention from guys here as well. It always makes you feel good for a guy to tell you that you look pretty, or ask if you have lost weight, and in my case, I have lost 70 lbs since I moved to Utah. Amazing right? Here is a quick before and after. 

The pants that I was wearing in the picture were a size 24. This is what they now look like on. A side note: The bottom picture was after I repeatedly pulled the pants up about 10 times. lol

 I feel fantastic, other than the medical issues I keep having. But this is a happy blog, and I can't dwell on the pain- Ill never smile if I do. You can really see the weight loss in my face and neck.. 

Rob told me I looked frail as in that part of my body.. he makes sure I know what parts are getting smaller. LOL. I am super thankful for my friends though. They have been there for me through thick and thin and I am forever grateful for them. Even when I am acting like a brat, they are by my side. 

Anyway, it is 2:37 AM and I really need to go to bed.. I am headed back to the back specialist tomorrow.. and I am praying for a quick and painless "whatever" they decide to do.

Good night :)

xoxo

My Breaking Point

I am beyond aggravated. I told my boss's that the minimum day that I would come back after my surgery was the 29th of February because that would be the earliest the doctor would release me. Depending on complications during or after the surgery, my healing time could be spread out. Since my surgery I have been dealing with my back. I have a bulging disk that is pressing on my sciatic nerve. It causes my back to hurt and my leg to feel like it is being shredded open with a hot knife. The pain is unlike that of anything I have felt before. I have been trying to go back to work since the 29th, but have been unable to. I am running out of money.. and I can not pay my bills. They act like I am just out having a hay day.. I am in more pain than I can put into words. So week before last, I went to work on Thursday, but I couldn't sit for a long period of time because of my leg so after 2.5 hours I went home. On Friday, I went to physical therapy, then I was sent to a spine doctor. He decided to do a spinal injection.. which I might add was the most painful thing I have been through in a long time (that was physician induced). After which I was given a shot of demerol and sent home. I was home for a grand total of 10 minutes before I passed out cold and hit the kitchen floor. I ended up in the back of an ambulance. By Monday I was feeling pretty good but still needed to take the week off to let my back and nerve root heal from the procedure. This past Monday I was going back to work. I felt good, but on Saturday I got sick from something I ate (Good ol dumpings syndrome) and stayed sick until Sunday.. by 1 am Monday morning I was puking my guts out. Needless to say Monday, I was at home again. I started a period on Sunday as well, but this isn't a normal period, no, this is a period from hell. You see, I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS for short- and in the past 7 years I have missed a total of 80 periods. My body is now trying to make up for everything... I ended up at my primary care physicians office on Tuesday and now I am on pain killers. Great. I can't get off the narcotics! It is making me SO angry because I can't do anything for myself when I am on them, I have lost my self control it feels like.. So finally I decide I am going back to work today.. I am still cramping but not like I was (I was doubled over in pain, laying in the fetal position crying for over an hour), so off to work I go.. right? WRONG. I am awake at 5 am with the same pain that put me in the hospital in the first place.. in my leg. If he killed off the nerve root then WHY am I hurting now? I can barely walk.. I am so sleepy but I can't lay down, I can't stand, and I can barely sit for more than 5 minutes because I am hurting SO bad. Then I call work, they have no idea how aggravated I am.. its like they think I am skipping work for the fun of it. I have given them doctors note after doctors note.. and I can give them more, but they ask me to fax them all to  them for this past week. Why can't they just wait? Why do I have to go out of my way, in pain to make them happy? Honestly, I am done. They said they would work with me... they are accepting my notes, but my one manager has been short and rude with me since the whole ordeal started. Do they think that I want this??? HELL NO. All I want is to feel better.. I just want to feel normal. I can deal with the stomach thing, but my ovaries, my back and my leg?? I don't know what I did to deserve this... I don't know what I am doing wrong but.. I need a break. I am really close to just moving home again. Because then I don't have to worry about someone getting pissed off at me because I am in pain, because I can't walk, sit or stand. 


I just want to feel better.. Is that too much to ask? So now I am going to attempt to take a shower, then I am going to call my back doctor and get him to fix this... I can't take much more.

Aggravated? Crazy? Maybe both?

Since this past Friday, I have been ill. VERY ill. I feel like everyone is asking me too many questions. No I don't feel better, I can't get out and have fun like everyone else because I don't feel good, I don't have the money to do anything because I can't go back to work. I can NOT get out in the sun, so quit freaking asking. I have a SUN allergy and no amount of sunscreen stoops the itching, and I am not going to suffer through it just to hang out in the sun. I feel like I am rotting away in my apartment, I want to get out, and I want to feel better.. It seems like it is so much more of a burden for everyone else- I am a burden on everyone else. I have not battled depression since I joined the church but since my surgery, yeah, I am dealing with it again. I don't want help from anyone, I don't need help from anyone. 


To the guy who thinks because we had one "hang out" (NOT A DATE), we are not in a relationship, quit freaking texting me. Please for the love of all that is holy, take a hint! I don't want to be mean, but I may have to. 


I don't feel good.. okay. I just don't feel good. And I am to the point that I feel like I am losing my mind. And to top it all off, I am getting harassed on a daily basis to start indexing. I do not want to index... I have NO desire to index. I do tons of work for deceased people in the temple, I do not need to index every waking moment that I am sitting at home. I am so out of it I don't even crochet or read anymore (which are two of my favorite things to do). Not to mention, I can't even log in to Family Search because for some unknown reason I have TWO record numbers. I am LOCKED out of the system, please stop asking me to index. 


I really feel like I am losing it. I do not want to feel this way. I have nearly completely stopped reading my scriptures, I am not praying like I used to either. I need help.. I am begging for help but I am tired of people telling me what they think I should do to fix things. Its like I want help but I don't want help at the same time. People in general are getting on my nerves. 


I know this blog is all over the place.. I am on my medicine and it makes my judgment cloudy and my thoughts scattered. I hate this feeling. I just want normalcy. If there even is such a thing. 

Of all the things I know, this is one I know to be true.

I have had something weighing on my heart today.. I need to get it out. 


Being a Christian means taking upon yourself the name of Christ.. living as he would, and following his lead. That is what I do, every day. I remember him, I love him.. he is truly my best friend. I follow his word.. from his ministry before his crucifixion to his ministry after he rose again. In the East and in the Americas, he came to us to feel prints in his hands, feet and side. He knows us individually, and he loves us so much. I am a Christian, I am a person who loves my savior and my father in heaven blesses me so much every day because of my dedication to him. 


I have been given trials for a reason, and although I am still trying to figure out why, I am grateful for them- and I know that heavenly father is mindful of me. He will never forget me. He will give me guidance and direction through the holy ghost... and through the words of the prophet today, I will know exactly what I need to do. 


In the end of it all, it will be worth it. Then, when it is all said and done, I will be able to hug my savior and my father in heaven. We must endure to the end... no matter how hard it is because the outcome will be very worth it. I imagine that day, to see my saviors face.. how great it will be. Until then, I will serve him, and tell the world of him. The joy I have in my heart exceeds any happiness I have ever known and it is because I have a personal relationship with my savior. 


I am a member of the Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter Day Saints. I am a Mormon, a Christian, a daughter of god, a sister to Christ, a follower of the Savior, a faithful servant to the Father..  and I know I have a place in heaven. I know I will see my family again some day. ..and I know that Christ lives. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, and that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God today. I know that my church is the true church of Jesus Christ on the earth today, and I am so thankful to be a member, and to know the gospel in its fullness. I am thankful for the truth that I have.


The sprit has been so strong for me today. I just needed to get this out.


xoxo

I am SO ready!

I always say that I love the winter time.. and I do.. But I have noticed that when it is January-March I am so depressed! Its cold, nothing to look forward to, unlike the cold before Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am ready for some warmer weather, leaves on the trees and the sun shine. I am ready for a change.. and although I just made a huge one, I am ready for it to be known in a larger way. I am ready to step out this summer in smaller clothes, actually wearing (modest) shorts and short sleeve shirts- things I avoided before because I was so self conscious with my body. I still am, but I know that is quick to change. 

I am ready for FHE activities outside, and me healed and ready to play ultimate frisbee, volleyball, go swimming, hot tubbing.. meet new people. I am ready to meet someone. I have been ready for a while.. but I long for that! This time of year reminds me that I am alone.. much more than others. Luckily there is so much to do here in Provo this time of year, that I can forget at least until I come home. 

I can't wait to show off the weight that I have lost... I am nowhere near close to my goal weight, but as quickly as I am losing, it will not be long. 

Until next time.

xoxo