My life is great, nevertheless, I am empty.

How do I compete? How do I compete with something so great that the very thought of it, flushes me out. I fell like a complete nobody. Almost always. What I want, I can't have. And it is so sad to me because I know there is much happiness involved, and it just isn't meant for me. So maybe this move will do my heart some good.. Or maybe it will just give me an opportunity to fail at what I thought could very well be the most amazing thing in my life. Maybe it's not meant for me at all. Im afraid of the unknown. I want to put it all in gods hands, and let him guide me.. and I know, he knows what he is doing. I just wish I knew... I wish I knew what my future holds, and if I will ever find the missing piece to my life. I want to feel complete.. because for years I have felt completely empty. ..and I don't want to feel like that anymore. I don't want to feel like this ever again..

..and then..... ME!

I am happier in the winter.
I am allergic to the sun.
I am afraid of dark water, more specifically cold icy dark water.
I was afraid of my dad almost my entire life.
I was born 6 weeks early.
I don't tolerate abuse.
I can crochet.
I am allergic to cats, even though I have one.
It took me a year to learn how to walk in heels properly.
I absolutely HATE Starfruit.
I love the smell of winter: Cold air and cinnamon.
I am a fire bug. I love fireworks.
I am a purse addict.
I have spent over 300 bucks on a purse and a wallet.
I didn't eat hot dogs for 5 years.
I have never ate anything pickled except for pickles themselves.
I rode an air plane by my self since I was 5 years old.
I have 4 brothers and 4 sisters. 2 half brothers, 2 step brothers, 1 half sister, 3 step sisters.
I have been in 2 car accidents in my life.
I love candles.
I question my own decisions every day.
I am never satisfied.
I believe in true love.
I swallow backwards. Meaning my tongue, when swallowing, moves in the opposite direction.
I have nightmares almost every time I go to sleep, and most of them are extremely vivid.
I have only rode a horse once in my life.
I love hammered silver.
When given a choice, it can take me hours to choose.
I fell in love for the first time at 16.
Even though my grandmother died when I was 5, I can still remember the lines on her face.
I have a hard time subtracting.
I hate just about every picture I am in.
I love to swim and rollerblade.
I have went to about 10 different schools.
I lose everything.
I am slightly hard of hearing.
I have short term memory loss worse than anyone my age.
I love Coldplay, and I have decided that they are Musical Geniuses.
I hate clowns.
I am afraid of the dark.
I love rollercoasters.
I love to learn.
I make myself laugh daily with my stupidity.
I don't know what I am talking about half of the time.
I normally can see through people, and their lies.
I don't trust anyone- not even myself.
I have had my heart broken twice.
I want a fennic fox for a pet and WILL own one, one day.
I have an amazing dream for my life but I constantly question if it will ever happen.
I hate being alone.
I check my back seat every time I get in my car.
I am afraid of the interstate.
I don't know what I would do without my Mom.
I had a stuffed cat that my mamaw gave to me. It was the last thing she gave to me before she died. I slept with it every night, and still probably would if it would not have disappeared.
I keep my feet out of the covers when I sleep.
Crying babies give me the worst anxiety ever.
I am quick to jump to conclusions.
I think everyone has a secret.
I find other people's lives interesting. and I want to know all that I can about them.
I had a thick northern accent until I got made fun of. Then I tried to hard to fit in, which made me sound strange.
I can't stand U2, Bon Jovi and Saving Abel.
Devon Sawa was my first celebrity crush.
I am a republican but I liked Clinton.
I hate people who are shallow.
I tell people to grow up, but I really should take my own advice.
i I think I am commitment challenged.
I can handle a shot when I am by myself, but if my mom is in the room, I will cry.
When I am around my Papaw, I feel like a little kid again.
I cry about pretty much everything.
I love Love Stories, but cry because I wish I was that lucky.
I can't read directions very well
I hate when people lie to me. It is the biggest pet peeve that I have.
I try to change myself to fit other people way too much.
I sit and listen to calming/sad music until I cry almost weekly just to let things out.
No one knows what an emotional rollercoaster that I am on, because I don't like talking about it.
I wish people asked more about me, i wish they found me as interesting as I find them.
I apparently have a twin in Cullman, we look so much alike that it fooled my own sister, and just about fooled my Mom.
I hate falling in love, because it never works out.
I love looking at pictures, and I could do it all day.
I am awkward most of the time.
I sometimes wish I was someone else.
I don't like spook houses or scary movies.
I can't stand people who make fun of other people because they are different than them.
I love dry humor.
If i hear about someone making a comment about someone being bigger than them, they lose all of my respect- forever.
I cheered in highschool 10-12 grade.
I marched in band in 9th grade.
I play the flute.
I sing- all the time.
I love surprises, even though I say I hate them.
I sing to my animals- usually something by Lifehouse.
I have danced with my dog.
I love the idea of love.
I miss so many people to the point of crying.
I like to wake up early but I have a hard time doing it.
I have played Halo for a total of 12 hours straight.
I think that I have the best Mom in the world, and no matter how much someone talks about how amazing their parents are, I still think that my Mom is the best thing in this world.
I became best friends with the first girl my ex cheated on me with.
Two of my closest friends are missionaries.
I don't know what else to write.

The Truth

Sometimes I often wonder what is wrong with me. Why do I fail at some of the most important things that life has to offer? I have loved, and lost.. loved again.. and lost again. So I hold myself back. I hold back until I can't any more. I didn't want to feel this way. I decided to wait. Wait until I was in a better position to let myself become that person. But things happen, we will never know when, or why. And most of the time, it is not meant for us to know. I admit, I was vulnerable. Because my capacity to be a good wife had stretched so much, and I couldn't take any more. I fell out of love. Between bending over backwards, and struggles that I was not in a position to deal with, the love I had left. It was a love that I had drempt about my whole life. I thought for sure this time, I had found it. I think I was so in love with the idea of love, I was blinded and what I thought was undying true love, was no where near close. I didn't want to say it before. But I can't lie about a truth so huge. Don't get me wrong. It was a real love. It was the love that I knew existed before, just a little stronger this time. But all the things that I expected to feel, I never did. I made up excuses, but still, there was nothing that he could do or say to make it right. It just wasn't there. The realization started to come shortly after the vows, and I became a closed person. I was sad. I didn't know what to think or what to say. I just knew it hurt, because I knew I settled. I don't want to settle. I won't settle. I want to be that person that makes someones life worth while. I want to be the person that changes how someone thinks about love and what it means. I want that feeling of butterflies and the queasy stomach that only comes from love. I think I have became afraid of it. If I feel it, it is never right. Its like my heart is confused. I know what I want, but an undying love like that is hard to come by. I just don't know how I will ever know when it is right. Every time I have thought, yes, this is it.. I was dead wrong. I thought I was right.. I knew I was right. But the feeling of being completely wrong leaves me feeling hopeless. I feel hopeless. I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach over and over. Somethings are not meant to work out, but I thought for sure that in that category, all of that was over. Why can't I be good enough? I am not the best at everything, Im not the prettiest, or the skinniest. I don't know all that I should, I needed a kick start for my life. My family has always been broken. I was a step child all my life. I have moved around from state to state, and never had my roots settled in. I know I am a little scatter brained most of the time, but trying to pick of the shattered pieces of my life is hard.. and I struggle with it. But I am making it. I am always told how great I am, how I am the person in peoples lives that helps them pick up the messes they make, and I am the one people can talk to. I am the good friend, the best friend, the spiritual friend who gives good advice. But honestly I don't know how I will ever get out of that circle. Its vicious. I want to be the good friend, but not with everyone. I am ready for that step.. that is why I got married in the first place. I am ready to find that person that can melt every worry away, the person who can make me feel like I am the only person in this world. I just don't know if something like that is within my reach. Its like its at my fingertips, but just out of my grasp. I wish I could turn the wrong feelings off. Just make them go away. I hate having the right feelings for the wrong person. It is by far the worst feeling in the world. A start of something great, with someone who is less than halfway there. I feel like I have built up for feelings like those, then they go to waste. Complete and utter waste. I hate myself for doing this. I hate it. I can't make myself just forget. You'd think I would learn from the last time. But I don't, because my heart is reckless and will not be controlled by my logical brain. All matters would seem easy if I could control my emotions like very other normal person. Normalcy. I dont even know what that is anymore. I am not sure that is even in my vocabulary. I didn't mean to seem out of place in this situation, but I kind of feel like I made everyone feel awkward. And that is the last thing I wanted. I need something.. I don't know what. Something to make me forget about the stupid decisions I have made, and the wrong words that I have said. I hate being alone.. this is what happens. I think. Too drastically I make up my mind about things, and right now that is NOT what I need. I don't need to make any rash decisions, more specifically ones I would regret. I have to keep my head level. But how? How do I go about smoothing things out.. making them right again? I get online every day, and someone adds me as a friend.. usually someone friends with someone I know.. and the message is the same every time, "I thought you were beautiful.. I had to say hi." wow. That makes me feel amazing, too bad they have no teeth, live at home at 35 and no plans to do anything with their life. I deserve better. I seem to attract the worst.. as far as standards go. Maybe my standards are too high. But lowering the bar means I settle right? I just don't know what to think or do anymore.. I don't know how to keep my self at bay with my emotions, more specifically when I know it is someone who never thought twice about the concept of me. I feel like I have so much to give.. but its all wasting away on the wrong person, the wrong idea. I just don't know what to say anymore. i guess I could apologize. But how do you apologize for something that you had no control over? I don't know how to make myself understand....