Control

I hate things I can not control. Well I suppose I can control a little bit of it, but for the most part it is not my decision that affects anything. I become overly involved and then feel this bottomless pit created in my heart when things start to go sour. I feel like my chest is empty. It is a very confusing feeling... very lost. I just want to start something, have it to last through the eternities. Sometimes I feel like it will never happen, other times I have more faith- today is not a day for full faith for me though. Today is a day that I am sitting here in utter confusion. Wondering what events that I had control over brought me to this point. I wish I could fix everything that I have ever done wrong, I wonder where my life would be. Who I would be. Never learning that is for sure. You have to make mistakes to learn anything- you learn and move on, that is just how it works.

So now, I am sitting here with my coffee pondering the day and what is to come. Yes coffee... sue me. I just don't know how to handle this. I don't know where to go, and when my confusion will end. I need to talk to someone... anyone that I can spill everything to and not worry about repercussion. I need to learn how to deal with what I am going through, because I will tell you one thing right now, I am NOT handling it well. I am not handling it like I should. I may seem calm on the outside, but inside, my soul is screaming. I am trying to contain every emotion that I have that is scraping to get out. I just want to be happy... and I was. And no, its not like someone died, or that I have lost my best friend, but it feels like that for time being. I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my emotions and desires. I need to understand better what I am doing and where I am going in my life. A part of me feels like I need to throw it all away, focus directly on school... but that will put me in a depression. I need human interaction, I need relationships that make me happy and excited for the future. At this point, that is one thing that I lack.

Calm. I need to be more calm. I need to take my own advice...

Unknown.

Something has got to give. I'd give absolutely anything to just feel content... every time I think everything is okay I am blind sided again. I don't even know what to expect anymore, and I am tired of guessing. I hate the unknown.