For the first time in my life I have a set goal. A huge set goal. I know what I want and I know now what I need to do to get it. I feel so accomplished. It is true that I have been on an emotional roller coaster for a while, it sucks but hey that is life. My goal seems so clear in the distance however I am VERY aware of what I need to do to face the challenges that will come my way. It is so nice to have that goal in sight.
Time. Things take time. My goal, my aspirations, my happiness.. all are things that will take time to achieve. I am happy with the recent changes in my life and more specifically the people that have entered my life that have taught me more than any book I could ever read. People who put an extra ripple in the pool of life.
So now I will proceed with the things that truly make me happy, and the things that I know in my heart are true. I feel free.. I am not going to lie, it is a wonderful feeling. :)
xoxo
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
Okay. So here I am, another Friday night sitting at home with nothing to do. My roommate, who I might add doubles as a secret spy.. okay she's not a spy, however she does in fact double as my best friend- is out with her boyfriend again, and I am quite sure is pissed off at me. She tends to stay that way these days. She knows something has changed in me, something big. I don't care that she is mad, however it is somewhat aggravating that she stays pissed at me at all times as of late. She has plans to move back home early, as our move out date is August 17th and she is leaving like this week. I know she doesn't want to be here anymore and I can't help but to think some of that would be because of me.
I am not going to apologize for my change in heart, nor will I apologize for my firm standing in my beliefs. I will not back down to anyone. This isn't just about how she feels lately, it is about how everyone feels.
Let me rewind a bit and explain why I am moving away. Originally Logan, Utah was set in place to become my new home. Not that I don't love Logan, I do. However, I didn't want to move to another Provo. Utah State was giving me fits about transferring in and making my life somewhat difficult. So I decided to try my luck elsewhere. I have a few reasons for going to Cedar City instead, one being that I may or may not have fell in love with Southern Utah. I am telling you, if any place in Utah is God's country, that would be it. The scenery is breath taking and the weather down there is phenomenal. The two friends that I had that lived in Cedar moved away, which made me super sad, but I can't rely on anyone else for my happiness and I feel in my heart of hearts that going south would make me the happiest.
Now on to why I think Provo, Utah is a mistake to live in. Perfection. Yes, perfection- the all amazing Utah Mormon who seems to break every rule while holding themselves as this perfect being. It is scary to be honest. If I break a rule, I am scorned by someone who believes that they hold the law higher when they in fact break nearly every rule possible, but hey I am the bad one here! Shame on me saying any different! I have noticed that this area is different, but it wasn't until after my surgery that I let go of trying to fit this impossible mold that is here for anyone that ever wants to have it all, friends, family, wealth, and the highest calling that the church can give them. It is all about status, and being so impossibly busy that not only do you not have time for friends but you have no time for anything other than making yourself look to be this all desirable being for all to gawk at. And people actually do that! That was not an exaggeration!
For example, the perfect guy would be as follows: Elders Quorum President, working a full time job making bank, going to school full time to be either a doctor or a engineer of some sort. This person provides service whenever it makes them look good, they are involved in everything that their ward has, they are super close to their MORMON family. I put that in bold so you know how serious that is. This is the perfect family in the church that would make the Prophet himself cry. It is that rare you see? This person accidentally cusses and repents for the next 12 years, and never sins. Never. Christ apparently isn't the only one- at least that is how it comes across. This person, sadly enough is a myth. They don't exist, but as long as they look like they do, well then it doesn't matter. One main principle taught in the church is that it doesn't matter what people think but what GOD thinks, that is why when you sin, you repent, and if it is bad enough you go to your bishop. I can not tell you how many people I have met in the past year and a half being in Provo that seem to fit perfectly to this mold until you get to know them and then you find out that not only do they sin, but they sin bad enough to lose their recommend and God only knows what else, but no one knows. They come clean to no one. Interesting right?
The perfect girl is where it gets interesting. This girl is the size of a toothpick, going to school for something along the lines of a "Perfect Mother & Wife" degree, whatever the actual title is I am a tad bit foggy on.. but that is only because I have been more focused on my real degree, you know to keep criminals behind bars and away from ruining your American Dream. This girl is extremely active, gorgeous and dumb as a box of rocks. The only reason she goes to the temple, at an inappropriate age I might add, is because she is getting married to the perfect guy. She has no baggage, but once again this is a lie, no one knows because how can anyone know your flaws if you are to portray yourself as "perfect".
How can anyone ever fit this standard that Provo has so imbedded in itself that reality is nearly nonexistent? Fake it until you make it, right? Then once this perfect couple is married in the temple, they start to have babies because you know, you fake it until you make it. They bring a child into the world completely blinded from reality so that they may grow up and follow along in their perfect parents foot steps. Madness I tell you!!! There is such a thing as a real world, but it is so far away from the bubble here in Utah County people actually believe it is only something you see in movies. Instead of educating their children on the concept, they go about their merry way oblivious to what is real and what is not. So I quit trying to be a perfect person, because lets just be honest with ourselves, it is NOT possible, regardless how many people here try to tell themselves that it is. It is actually pretty hilarious. It is like a modern day Pleasantville!!! Only thing missing is the fact that it is not black and white. It is actually all white. Try to find a black person in Provo.. okay let me rephrase that.. try to find a black person in Provo that ACTS black. I'll wait. No? Yeah that is like a white elephant in this area.
I want to go back to my best friend. This blog isn't about her, for those of you that might think she is the perfect girl I am talking about. That would be inaccurate. She is much different, thus the reason we get along so well. I just felt the need to start this blog out stating that things have changed for me and I am pretty sure she stays pissed because of it. Nothing against her, I love her like she is my sister, it was just something that was on my mind.
So like I said, my beliefs have changed recently. Not my faith, but my beliefs in how I should live my life. After my surgery I was fed up. I was fed up trying to be someone that I am not, and becoming so depressed because I was so inadequate. I am not inadequate, however Provo and the culture here can make you feel that way. So I have made some pretty huge decisions and for the first time since I joined the church, I feel like they are so solid and so true that I can't turn away nor would I try to. I love this! I love that I finally took some type of control of my decisions and now if someone flips on me because they think it was the wrong one, I will not second guess it, because to me it was right. I feel kinda free. I say kinda because until I am out of Provo and I don't have to watch my back anymore, I will not feel truly free. But, that is soon!! Very soon actually! I am moving to Cedar City in about 3 weeks or so, and I will be staying with a good friend of mine's niece. It will be nice to finally break free of a few chains.
It is time for another chapter in my life, and for the first time in a LONG time I am ready to take life by the horns. It will be a good ride, and I am excited for the events that lie ahead of me. It will be good to breathe deep again- and this time red sand cliffs will be in my view. Cedar City won't know what hit them. :)
Credit: Rankin Studio (amazing work right?) (Oh and not Cedar City, but some other amazing place in Southern Utah)
xoxo
I am not going to apologize for my change in heart, nor will I apologize for my firm standing in my beliefs. I will not back down to anyone. This isn't just about how she feels lately, it is about how everyone feels.
Let me rewind a bit and explain why I am moving away. Originally Logan, Utah was set in place to become my new home. Not that I don't love Logan, I do. However, I didn't want to move to another Provo. Utah State was giving me fits about transferring in and making my life somewhat difficult. So I decided to try my luck elsewhere. I have a few reasons for going to Cedar City instead, one being that I may or may not have fell in love with Southern Utah. I am telling you, if any place in Utah is God's country, that would be it. The scenery is breath taking and the weather down there is phenomenal. The two friends that I had that lived in Cedar moved away, which made me super sad, but I can't rely on anyone else for my happiness and I feel in my heart of hearts that going south would make me the happiest.
Now on to why I think Provo, Utah is a mistake to live in. Perfection. Yes, perfection- the all amazing Utah Mormon who seems to break every rule while holding themselves as this perfect being. It is scary to be honest. If I break a rule, I am scorned by someone who believes that they hold the law higher when they in fact break nearly every rule possible, but hey I am the bad one here! Shame on me saying any different! I have noticed that this area is different, but it wasn't until after my surgery that I let go of trying to fit this impossible mold that is here for anyone that ever wants to have it all, friends, family, wealth, and the highest calling that the church can give them. It is all about status, and being so impossibly busy that not only do you not have time for friends but you have no time for anything other than making yourself look to be this all desirable being for all to gawk at. And people actually do that! That was not an exaggeration!
For example, the perfect guy would be as follows: Elders Quorum President, working a full time job making bank, going to school full time to be either a doctor or a engineer of some sort. This person provides service whenever it makes them look good, they are involved in everything that their ward has, they are super close to their MORMON family. I put that in bold so you know how serious that is. This is the perfect family in the church that would make the Prophet himself cry. It is that rare you see? This person accidentally cusses and repents for the next 12 years, and never sins. Never. Christ apparently isn't the only one- at least that is how it comes across. This person, sadly enough is a myth. They don't exist, but as long as they look like they do, well then it doesn't matter. One main principle taught in the church is that it doesn't matter what people think but what GOD thinks, that is why when you sin, you repent, and if it is bad enough you go to your bishop. I can not tell you how many people I have met in the past year and a half being in Provo that seem to fit perfectly to this mold until you get to know them and then you find out that not only do they sin, but they sin bad enough to lose their recommend and God only knows what else, but no one knows. They come clean to no one. Interesting right?
The perfect girl is where it gets interesting. This girl is the size of a toothpick, going to school for something along the lines of a "Perfect Mother & Wife" degree, whatever the actual title is I am a tad bit foggy on.. but that is only because I have been more focused on my real degree, you know to keep criminals behind bars and away from ruining your American Dream. This girl is extremely active, gorgeous and dumb as a box of rocks. The only reason she goes to the temple, at an inappropriate age I might add, is because she is getting married to the perfect guy. She has no baggage, but once again this is a lie, no one knows because how can anyone know your flaws if you are to portray yourself as "perfect".
How can anyone ever fit this standard that Provo has so imbedded in itself that reality is nearly nonexistent? Fake it until you make it, right? Then once this perfect couple is married in the temple, they start to have babies because you know, you fake it until you make it. They bring a child into the world completely blinded from reality so that they may grow up and follow along in their perfect parents foot steps. Madness I tell you!!! There is such a thing as a real world, but it is so far away from the bubble here in Utah County people actually believe it is only something you see in movies. Instead of educating their children on the concept, they go about their merry way oblivious to what is real and what is not. So I quit trying to be a perfect person, because lets just be honest with ourselves, it is NOT possible, regardless how many people here try to tell themselves that it is. It is actually pretty hilarious. It is like a modern day Pleasantville!!! Only thing missing is the fact that it is not black and white. It is actually all white. Try to find a black person in Provo.. okay let me rephrase that.. try to find a black person in Provo that ACTS black. I'll wait. No? Yeah that is like a white elephant in this area.
I want to go back to my best friend. This blog isn't about her, for those of you that might think she is the perfect girl I am talking about. That would be inaccurate. She is much different, thus the reason we get along so well. I just felt the need to start this blog out stating that things have changed for me and I am pretty sure she stays pissed because of it. Nothing against her, I love her like she is my sister, it was just something that was on my mind.
So like I said, my beliefs have changed recently. Not my faith, but my beliefs in how I should live my life. After my surgery I was fed up. I was fed up trying to be someone that I am not, and becoming so depressed because I was so inadequate. I am not inadequate, however Provo and the culture here can make you feel that way. So I have made some pretty huge decisions and for the first time since I joined the church, I feel like they are so solid and so true that I can't turn away nor would I try to. I love this! I love that I finally took some type of control of my decisions and now if someone flips on me because they think it was the wrong one, I will not second guess it, because to me it was right. I feel kinda free. I say kinda because until I am out of Provo and I don't have to watch my back anymore, I will not feel truly free. But, that is soon!! Very soon actually! I am moving to Cedar City in about 3 weeks or so, and I will be staying with a good friend of mine's niece. It will be nice to finally break free of a few chains.
It is time for another chapter in my life, and for the first time in a LONG time I am ready to take life by the horns. It will be a good ride, and I am excited for the events that lie ahead of me. It will be good to breathe deep again- and this time red sand cliffs will be in my view. Cedar City won't know what hit them. :)
xoxo
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