Singles Awareness Day is such a creeper.

Ah it is that time of year again. The flower companies are making bank, and jewelry stores are making sure that you know they have they best deal ever. It is amazing to me how materialized this holiday has gotten. Whatever.


So this time last year,  I was married. I was getting Tim's gift together- one I knew he was going to love. This was my last Valentines with him. I didn't know that at the time and I didn't know that I was going to be alone this year. He has a girlfriend that he is spending it with. I wonder sometimes why I am alone.. why nothing I have lasts long. But to answer my own question, I actually do know why- because it is the lord's will. It is his divine plan that I find myself becoming inpatient with. I know that one day I will meet the guy who is perfect for me, the guy who loves me for who I am  not what I can do for him... the guy that not only holds the priesthood but also holds my heart. I know that I have to go through the things that I am going through now to get to that point. Sometimes I feel like it drags on. I have been feeling sorry for myself. Thinking, what about me, me me.. I am trying to be patient and trying to understand that it is not about me- it is about the lord and what he wants for me. He knows what he is doing.. and I trust him.


I have been through a lot this week.. well the past two weeks. I admit it is testing my patience. But I know that, that is the reason that I am going through what I am going through. To teach me to be patient.. it is a virtue that I never picked up on. It is FAR time. It is amazing to me how I am starting to be able to understand why things happen in the order that they happen. Before I didn't know why.. I asked why why why all the time.. But prayer.. and asking my Heavenly Father why has blessed me with the ability to answer my own question nearly before it leaves my mouth. What an amazing gift I have acquired.


So now it is the waiting game. Maybe I am not putting myself out there as much as I should. Or maybe it is because the lord has something else in store for me first. Maybe that something is a mission? I am still praying. Mt Bishop and Stake President approved of a mission, and the mission people are considering me. I keep thinking of what could be to come. I can't help but smile about it. I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up too much, but what is the point of getting excited for something if you don't go all out? I am patiently waiting and praying. It's all I can do right now.


I find that stress relief is a necessity. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I know what to do about it, and I am not 100% accurate with it, but reading, praying and listening to hymns is the best stress relief I have found so far. Also simplifying my life is necessary. For anyone who knows me, even for a week knows that I am a gadget person. I love new phones, computers.. ect. I have to have the newest and best always, but for once in my life I have decided that it is not necessary to own those things. Now, I have a Macbook but I kinda can't take it back, nor do I want to. I need it for school. I have to have a computer... but my phone is the biggest thing. I had an HTC Evo and I loved it.. and I returned it and got a basic flip phone. Yeah, I did that. GO ME! I shocked myself, imagine what everyone else thought?!? It was a good feeling. Progression!


So today I have been feeling so strange, mainly because this past week has been rough and long, and I am not rested enough to hold my head straight let alone make conscious decisions. I found that I talk too negative about myself, I feel sorry for myself and I am a selfish person. I am aiming to change that. Today. It's hard me not feeling sad, specifically this time of year... but I have to trust my Heavenly Father. I am putting it all in his hands. One day I will feel complete its just not now.  I guess what bothers me is that I have not been on anything remotely like a date since this time last year. Tim never took me out, so when you live in the date capital of the world you feel kinda out of place. I guess I just would like someone to ask me to go on a date just once. There I go again, feeling sorry for myself. Its hard to smile when everyone else is so happy and you feel so incredibly alone. I knew this was going to happen when I moved here. I don't know how to approach people.. I am socially awkward when it comes to dating. Provo/Orem, Utah: Marriage Capital of the World. I think my expectations for this place were entirely too high. I guess I thought I would at least date when I got here. I was wrong. This is what leads me to think that there is something so much bigger out there for me. I am letting go of this, and I am going to pray about what I should do next. If it was meant for me to find someone already, I would have found them, but its not, and I am not going to question the lords decisions. He knows what he is doing. Well that is about all for now... I think I will go for a drive, take a view. It is too gorgeous outside to be sitting inside blogging about how pathetic my dating life is. I need to live, and the time is now.


Jenna

My Awesome Talk on Agency :)

Elder Hales gave a talk this past general conference on Agency. Up until April 2010, my definition of agency did not come close to what “our agency” is.  I couldn’t have said it better than the way Elder Hales stated. Agency is the ability and privilege God gives us to choose and “to act for [ourselves] and not to be acted upon.” Agency is to act with accountability and responsibility for our actions. Our agency is essential to the plan of salvation. With it we are “free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil.

This is a pretty amazing choice that we are making. This is our eternal choice. A choice that lasts forever.

As far as we know, the first time we used our agency was in the premortal existence. In a 2001 Women’s Conference, Sister Sherry Dew gave a powerful talk that intertwined with agency and our ability to use it.  She said, We know that we were there, in the heavenly councils before the foundations of this earth were laid. We were there when our father presented his plan. We saw the savior chosen and appointed, and we sanctioned it. We were there among the heavenly host who sang and shouted for joy. And when Satan unleashed his fury against the Father and the Son and was cast out of Heaven.  We were there, fighting on the side of truth. We stood loyally by God and by Jesus, and.. did not flinch. Now we are here. Separated from our heavenly home. To prove whether or not we want to be part of the kingdom of God more than anything else. The lord is testing our faith and our integrity to see if we will persevere in a realm where Satan reigns. Happily, despite taking the test into the stormy twilight of the dispensation of the fullness of times... We have once again chosen to follow Jesus Christ. We have chosen to follow him because we remember him and recognize him.

It is something so absolutely amazing to me. We were able to choose. And we still choose Christ, every day of our lives. We continue to constantly strive to return to our Heavenly Father. We use our agency and we choose him.  I find it astonishing at the choices I have made in my own life. How in the presence of heavenly father I chose my savior, but up until this past year, I chose differently. I used my agency and made some questionable decisions. But making the choice to learn and understand the gospel, was by far the most amazing act of using my agency I have ever made.  When I started having lessons with the missionaries, I noticed that things just seemed to click. Like they fit in place so perfectly. Heavenly Fathers plan is so perfect and divine. I knew these things before. I felt it, because it was almost a sense of déjà vu. Like I have heard it before. There is no greater feeling that learning something, for what you think is for the first time, and recognizing it at the same time- and then following.

But even before all of the good choices I have made, I also have made some not so good choices. I used my agency to disobey my heavenly father and Jesus Christ. I thought I was happy. I was wrong.  Elder Hales told a story in his talk about disobeying and the consequences of doing so. He said, In my youth I learned an important lesson about how our actions may limit our freedom. One day my father assigned me to varnish a wooden floor. I made the choice to begin at the door and work my way into the room. When I was almost finished, I realized I had left myself no way to get out. There was no window or door on the other side. I had literally painted myself into a corner. I had no place to go. I was stuck.

Whenever we disobey, we spiritually paint ourselves into a corner and are captive to our choices. Though we are spiritually stuck, there is always a way back. Like repentance, turning around and walking across a newly varnished floor means more work—a lot of re-sanding and refinishing! Returning to the Lord isn’t easy, but it is worth it.

I could relate to this story so well. Because I had done the same thing, in sense. I had lived for myself, and only myself. I didn’t care how it affected other people, or that I was disobeying my heavenly father. I didn’t realize until very recently all of the blessings that I missed out on because of my poor choices- because now my blessings are in abundance, and I know it is because I am using my agency wisely. I am living for Christ, and I know that one day I will be in the presence of my heavenly father again, and he will be well pleased. Before, when I would think of blessings, I would think of things I have. Physical things. A car, home, ect. But the real blessings are knowing that my heavenly father will provide for me. I have been blessed with an amazing family, who is anything but perfect, but they have such a love for each other it could bring a complete stranger to tears. I have been blessed with friends who are some of the most amazing people on earth. I have been blessed with having the Holy Ghost as my constant companion, and that I can feel the spirit in my life always. Blessings like these are some that I lacked before. I have had my family, but I was detached from them as was I detached from my friends. I didn’t feel the Holy Ghost constantly around me- which is such a lonely feeling. An empty feeling, that I can’t describe any other way than just saying, complete and utter sadness. I chose that life.

It has taken a long time to get where I am now. I feel like I have waited my entire life to feel what I feel at this very moment.  The spirit, happiness, joy. Enough joy to shout from every mountain surrounding the valley. And some..

Elder Hales said, “The scriptures teach us, “All have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.”  For those who find themselves captive to past unrighteous choices, stuck in a dark corner, without all the blessings available by the righteous exercise of agency, we love you. Come back! Come out of the dark corner and into the light. Even if you have to walk across a newly varnished floor, it is worth it. Trust that “through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind [including you and me] may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.”

 I stand before you and testify that it is worth every bit of hardships we may go through to return to the lord.. Using our agency to make the choices that Heavenly Father wants can bring such an abundance of blessings, just like it did for me. I know that when we are obedient to the lord that we are rewarded. Spiritually we are rewarded so much that it becomes impossible to think about not having the blessings that we have. Like it is for me, to think about how life was before- just seems like such a far off memory, when in fact it has been less than a year. 224 days to be exact.

I am so thankful for my Savior, and the ability to use my agency to choose him. To be able to choose his true church and be right back where I belong, I am so eternally grateful.  I am thankful for missionaries, who spread truth and light to people like myself who have pulled away from our Heavenly Father, and have used our agency in a negative way. I know that this is the true church of Jesus Christ that was restored to the earth. And I am so thankful that I have used my agency to come back and be able to speak to you today.

I say these things in the name of my beloved savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.