The Cat, The Loft, The Advisor.

I haven't been in the mood to write anything funny in a while. Most of the time a good old fashioned rant will do the trick, but I have been in this "deep" mode. I don't know what the shit that is about. It needs to stop. Like yesterday.

Anyway. So school started back, that is fun. Draining the life right out of me- with my professors keeping us off topic and talking about the most random shit you have ever heard, this semester has been deemed the most interesting semester of my life. 3 more to go and I will be done. THANK GOD!

Dude, I am officially a Junior. What is this? Where does the time go? I have one year left? Really!? Crazy! It feels good though, and I am ready to be done. I moved into a sweet apartment until I graduate. It is looking like May 2014 is my graduation time. Finally. :) I am staying motivated though- at least I am trying. I am not going to lie, I get knocked off the path quite frequently but I jump right back on.

There is a cat outside.. okay, random right? Skinny, baby factory recently removed and she love love loves my roommate Cadence. Of course she feeds her. So she comes back, over and over. Its technically our cat that is not our cat. Shh.

I have a loft in my house.. well every room has a loft technically. I thought about putting a twin up there.. not like a twin child, no. I am talking a twin bed. I can see myself up there all happy n shit and roll my ass right off onto the floor. Its a nice 7 foot drop... possibly more. I could break a couple bones I am sure. But needless to say the loft is pretty awesome for things, you know other than sleeping... I appreciate the architecture in this house. It is nice.

I completely swapped my diet to vegan a few weeks back. It has been a crazy change. I am like Martha Stewart knitting, crocheting, and cooking stuff on a regular basis. "ITS SMOOTHIE TIME BITCHES!" Gosh I have always wanted to say that out loud! haha Anyway, my smoothies are officially as good as Cec's. Thank you very much, I have mastered the art. I am proud... :) I learn from the best I suppose!

My roommates are pretty awesome, I kinda lucked out. They are all super chill however I am the oldest- which feels strange. I mean hell.. I am only 26. But, alas.. 26 means it is you know family time. I should be like a mom or something right? Something along those lines... it is coming eventually. Be patient Jenna... patience is a virtue, right? Yeah.

This blog is so random tonight, I guess pouring random things out just feels completely necessary tonight. I need someone to piss me off to the point that I base an entire blog just about them, without of course, ever saying their name. Oh the joys of the internet.

Class is at 8:30 in the morning.. Forensic Science. Why? Why you ask? I will tell you why, because my advisor said "WE REALLY NEED TO GET YOU IN THAT CLASS!!" Who the hell knows why exactly, however, who am I to question him? He knows best... I think.  So bed time was an hour ago, but I had a wild hair to go to walmart. Which means bed time is now.. so I am done. Good night.

Until next time.
xoxo

Taking Initiative.

Life is about changing. It is about adapting ourselves to change in the world without compromising our values and loves. I have been one to adapt too much. In fear of not gaining acceptance from whoever I am around. I would and still do adapt entirely and I tend to lose myself. I had a really good friend help me to look at my life in a different way. Regardless if he meant to cause this rift in myself, it happened, and I am thankful for it.

I picked up bad habits again- I did so good for so long. And I thought that it was over when I was in Bama, but when I got home, it kicked in again. I don't know if it was stress, school, being back in Bama and being completely stressed out, or just a mere want for something I had an addiction to. But regardless, I knew it was something I needed to fix- I just didn't want to. I felt like one day I will, or tomorrow works. But that is just procrastination. I needed to do something TODAY. So I did. And I can honestly say it stressed me out, but at the same time, I know the benefits and blessings from doing so. I am fixing myself, to become the best person I can be. It has been a long process, as this isn't the start- however, it is the first time I have took initiative and went in head first to tackle this cloud around myself. Its like my addictions were taunting me. Constantly in my ear whispering most of the time, screaming other times that I am weak, that I can't do this without them, no one will accept me, no one could love me, and I need outside support from my addictions to make things right. I knew all along that this was very wrong. Very very wrong. But yet, I would give in and each time I did I knew that I was becoming just a little bit weaker when I would go to tackle it in the future. Well the past few days I have taken a step back and analyzed my life and what I am doing and where I am going. I can't progress towards my happiness with bad things holding me back. No one can. I was on a leash, and I cut it off this morning. I feel free.

There are a lot of things we as human beings do in life that may not be good for us, depending on who we talk to. Then there are things that are not good for us regardless who we talk to. We all know they are wrong, yet we fall into this vicious cycle and it is nearly impossible to get out- that is until we make a conscious decision to just blind side the addiction or problem and tackle it with full force- and no warning. I find that if we do that, then it is easier to say no to whatever it is, but that doesn't make it easy completely. No matter what we do as a habit, it is a habit because it is easy, it brings us temporary self satisfaction, and we justify it. If we tackle a habit and just wash our hands clean of it, it brings us closer to the things that we actually want to do in life, and we are not held back.

I have had a few days of self reflection to come to the conclusions that I have. I have been thinking about the future and what I need to do to be happy- and make the people around me equally happy. Now, I am not saying that I have the ability to make everyone happy, because there will be people that will never be happy no matter what you do for them, but at least I can say that I tried. I want happiness just like anyone else. I want to be able to look someone straight in the eye and say, no my life may not be perfect, but at least I am happy. I was able to say that before, but was it real? Was it happiness that I fabricated? Or was it true happiness because in my world all was right, I had tried to fix my wrongs and build up the bridges that I have burned?

This is a process. It was never meant to be easy. Life is hard, and no one ever gets it completely right. But you know, that is the amazing part of being a human. We are forgiving, we can be humble, and we can look past the wrongs to see the good in anything. I am forgiving myself for the stupid things I have done, I am forgiving my past wrong-doers that have hurt me, I am forgiving of my family that may have done wrong in the past that affected me, but most importantly I am telling myself with full honesty that I know I am not perfect, I make mistakes, but that is what makes the atonement so great. I know that my father in heaven has forgiven me already, but we are always harder on ourselves. I need to quit worrying so much about every little thing, and everything that I may have done in the past that hinders my mind and my decisions now. I am an imperfect being- I know this all too well. The greatest thing though that I have to look forward to is that whoever decides to give this broken down, recently humbled girl a chance to be in their life will be surprised by the amount of humility that I have came into recently, they will see that I am giving my all because what is life truly about if you don't give your all anyway? Friends, spouses, family. I am looking at it all in a new light. It has taken me a long time and I am definitely not completely fixed but change must start with initiative- and that starts now.

I am diving into the unknown. Taking a leap of faith. I am humbling myself. Understanding my wrongs, and fixing them. It is amazing what a few wise words to a very selfish girl can do. Like I said before, it is a process, but step one is self reflection and admitting, step two is taking action. I think I am on a good path. :) Get it!

Home again.

It is one of those days. Again. I just came home from Big Water. I feel like I am in this rut- and endless cycle of something I am unfamiliar with. I don't really know anyone in Cedar, still. A lot of the reason is because every weekend since I moved down here I have been gone. Between going to BW and going home to Bama, I am always gone. Not that I am complaining, trust me I am definitely not complaining ;) I just miss friends. I miss being somewhere familiar. Going to BW makes me stress-less, and then when I come home I feel anxious, regardless if I have nothing to do or I have a ton to do. Its almost a feeling of looking forward to nothing. I have school, and I need to find a job, because my money will deplete very soon, but other than that, it is an endless cycle of work and school- and that is it. I guess that is why I am depressed when I drive home. I have no desire to be home, and when I am here, I feel nothing. So I thought about driving up to Provo today and staying up there until tomorrow afternoon. I am still thinking I may just do that. I dislike Provo, however, I like my friends, and they are there. There are too many commas in this blog,,,,,,,,,,,.

Okay, anyway. Random. I feel so awesome going out in to the desert, it makes me feel complete being down there. I was able to see more amazing things while I was there this weekend. Like a crazy full moon and a tiny flash flood. A first for me on both accounts. I have never saw a full moon through a telescope, it was nearly blinding! And the flash flood was pretty cool too! I want to see a big one soon- maybe before the monsoon season ends. I am looking forward to camping again before the season ends as well. I like to have a plan on what I will be doing and right now I lack just that. That is my issue. A-HA! I have figured it out! That is my problem, I do not have a plan for the next few weeks- I need one! I need something to look forward to, and to know when I can see some of my favorite people again.

Blah. Priorities. Responsibilities. I don't want to be an adult anymore! HAHA! So for now, I am sitting in my room, on my computer (figures, right?) doing nothing. Sad. Anywho. Just a few thoughts for now.

Until next time.

xoxo

Blogging on a Plane.

So I am sitting here on the plane flying back to SLC. Strange to blog like this. So many thousands of feet from the Earth I call home. My flight should arrive in SLC around 4:20 pm, and Shan-Bo is picking me up. I am so excited to see her! When I am sad all I have to do is think about her, Katt Williams and the Bangs Bitch song and I smile :) I am equally excited to go to Big Water this weekend. Yes this vacay has been fun, but was also a stressful time in Alabama. Being back home made me realize how happy I am to live so far away. Southern Utah makes my stress fade away. It is a nice feeling! 

School starts on Monday- that should make for an interesting week. I am ready to get back in the groove of things for sure. I am glad that I went home though. I am happy that I was able to spend time with my mom and my family- and see my niece and nephew. They are precious! 

So this plane is showing the Avengers.. and there are missionaries sitting behind me. I asked them what they are going to do, because technically they are still on their missions- they replied that they were going to read their scriptures. I love it! 

Ah to fly back to utah. I can't wait to see the mountains again. I have missed them. 

I had a much needed talk with my Mom while I was home- and it went so well. I am relieved. She is so accepting of me and honestly it shocks me- some people will not be that approving of my decisions in my life but you know for me the only approval I need is from God and my Mom, and I have both of them on my side. It feels amazing. 

Well that is pretty much it for now, snacks are being served and I am going to finish watching this movie.

Until next time.

xoxo

Thoughts...

Just a few thoughts for the night:

• I need to go to the gym again. I feel huge. Strange, yeah? I always feel amazing when I have a schedule, so I will get that in place once I get back to Cedar.
• I picked up two bad habits recently, and I quit them just as quickly as I picked them back up. Amazing the will power we hold inside of us. 
• I need to smile more. You never know how much a smile can help someone who has a heart full of hurt. 
• Netflix really needs to list season 3 of Sister Wives- I am just a little bit aggravated that they are taking so long.
• I am beyond ready for the holidays, however Thanksgiving may be lonely. I have yet to make plans, and I will still be in Cedar. I am not inviting myself anywhere, I will not create a burden on anyone. It may just be me, myself and I that day.
• I love the song Roslyn- Bon Iver & St. Vincent. I have had it on repeat for days. 
• I have really missed my family and friends in Alabama, but I definitely do not miss the drama that is associated with this place. I remember why I was okay to move- however it does not make living so far from my Mom any easier. I miss her like crazy.
• Speaking of my Mom, I am super happy that she is so accepting of me and my beliefs. She has made my decisions easier and she is truly an amazing person.
• For some reason, hitting the age of 26 has made me baby hungry like crazy. I know things will come in Heavenly Fathers time, however I am human and I am impatient I suppose. I want a family to call my own more than anything- I am ready to be a mom.
• I made around $100 too much last year to receive a full pell grant. Well that just sucks.
• School is starting soon, I have around 5 semesters before I graduate with my Bachelor of Science in Criminal Justice. :)
• I miss the mountains in northern Utah, but I love the red rock in southern Utah more.
• Sometimes I wonder about Logan, and what could have happened there- and then I remember all of the things that pointed to Cedar and I know that I made the right choice. It is just hard because I have no friends there, and it makes it less exciting to come back from a place where I know everyone, to somewhere I know no one. 
• I need to see a chiropractor like now. :)
• My moms little dog is going to mourn so bad when I leave, just like he did last time. I really hate that he does that, and feels so bad. I also know it is crazy to feel that way about a dog, but I grew up the past 10 years with him- its hard not to have an attachment. 
• Mostly this is a list of the things I need to do. I am content with that. 

Until next time.

xoxo

The Desires of my Soul.

Well, it is that time again. Yes, time for another fantastic blog. I praise my blogs entirely too much. It may be fantastic. The truth is I just like to write- or type for that matter. So even if it is not fantastic to anyone other than myself, as long as I get to express what I feel whenever I feel necessary, I am okay.

My mind has been racing the past couple of days, or more like the past couple months. I have a lot going on lately with my trip back to Bama, and school starting on the 27th. I have a lot to get in order this month. The good news is that my issues lately are not so much heart related as they have been in the past. I have said recently how happy I am. I am happy that I came to a decision for my life and now that my ultimate goal is in sight, I can breathe. Breathing is good, you know?

I am registered for my classes, and thankfully they are all Criminal Justice classes. I am ready to be done. Over ready to be done. I guess as far as work and school goes, work is the only thing that has me kinda stressed out. I acquired a job the Friday that I moved to Cedar, only to lose it yesterday. It was nothing that I did, it was a decision from the CEO who is in Boston to let me go because they actually "didn't need me". So that sucks. I was content, I loved my job and my boss, so this is quite unfortunate. I guess that takes a little stress off of me until school starts. Plus I wouldn't have been working the next two weeks anyway because of being in Alabama.

I am meeting up with a lot of my old friends and family to catch up. So much has changed with me in the past year and a half- and they know it. Normally I am a super open person, but I have become somewhat private as of late. My personal life is really none of anyone's business- however that doesn't mean that people will not pry. I have gotten good at avoiding questions haha.

I have made some pretty significant decisions for my life recently. I will be talking to my mom about life and the future a bit when I am home, it should be a nice conversation. I am excited about the future for myself, but I think that the worst part of everything is waiting, and not knowing. Not knowing exactly what will happen in my life. I know what I want, but the picture I have painted for myself is not necessarily what I will receive. I love the feeling of something new, something that is exciting for the soul. Anything that is pleasing to the Lord is something to be exciting over truth be told. I have been through a lot, most of the people who read my blog know that. Nothing good in life is easy, when it is then it is never good. So my faith and patience are being tested right now. I am being patient, because the Lord does things in his own time- so I wait. Smiling and calm on the outside, but on the inside I am anxious- as that comes with anything worth waiting for. I am developing a type of love in my heart that I have never known before. At times I feel like I should jump the gun and just try to speed things along, but the majority of the time my soul and the spirit remind me that good things come to those who wait. So waiting is mandatory now. Situations need to develop in favor of what my heart wants, I know that much, but I will never tell the Lord what to do. That never plays out very well.

I am getting older, yes 26 is young, I know. However, I have a desire, as most girls in their mid twenties, to have a family, to have a baby that looks like me. How amazing would that be? Nearly every friend I have has children and that is something that makes me want it more. To bring a life into this world, a miracle. I guess that is why I feel so impatient. I am patient but there are times that I feel that something of that magnitude will never happen for me. It is hard to think about having a child of my own. I know 4 or 5 pregnant friends as of right now, and I have played it out in my mind over and over, wondering why I want a family so badly and that is what it has came to. I am ready to be a mom, that is it. I can finish school any time, and I fully plan on it- however a family is something that should never be put on the back burner. I have learned that from experience. So here I am, the ripe age of 26 and for the first time in my life I can honestly say that I would be ready for that at any time from here on. It is a new feeling for me, but it was the lack of love for other people and more love for myself in the past that made me feel inadequate. I love myself yes, and I loved my ex husband, but I think that the want for a family was more him than myself. Now that I am not married I felt that desire kick in overdrive. I told one of my closest girl friends recently how I felt about it. She is nearly the only person I can tell anything like that to. Its crazy how close you get to people to be able to share the most intimate details of your soul to. November 2011 kinda changed my life, in all reality. I have been thinking about the people that I met at the end of last year and I can't help but feel so drawn to them. My comfort level around them exceeds that of anyone else. I love how the spirit works and instills that feeling of peace in my heart when I am around those who my spirit already loves.

Well now that is out. On to other things. I am staring at my fully packed suitcase, and other than the things I need to get ready with in the morning, I am all set. I am a little scared to fly- which is strange. I have been on more planes than nearly everyone I know. I guess when you become an adult you realize how precious life is, and that you need to make the most of it. I would hate for my life to be cut short before I finished all that I want to do here. I am not trying to sound morbid, but it is just a legitimate fear I have.

Well that is about all for now. I am thinking a nap is in order, because Lord knows I am not going to get any sleep on my red eye tomorrow night. I will be leaving Salt Lake at quarter to 1 am, and arrive finally in Huntsville, Alabama at 11:04 am. The next two weeks should be good, but I can tell you now that I will be ready to come home once it is all over with. I will be ready to get back down to southern Utah to relax before school starts. I need this vacation so badly. :)

Until next time.

xoxo

Life is Good.

Life is good. Oh so good. I am happier now than I have ever been in my life. Getting out of the "Bubble" in Provo did a lot of good. I didn't move to Logan like I had originally planned. I did however move to Cedar City which is about 3 hours south of Provo. I moved in to a place here where I am content for the time being until I can get up the energy to find somewhere else, as this is just temporary. But for now, I am doing well. I am all settled in and feeling good. 

Cedar is really a gorgeous place to live. I saw 4 rainbows within my first few days here. Which is way nice! You know you are having a good week when you see that many. 

I went back down to Big Water this week to spend time with my favorite people. When I come home I feel super depressed lol. It is literally in the middle of nowhere, but in the center of it all.  Nearly the same distance to Bryce, Zions, The Grand Canyon, Cottonwood Canyon.. everything. All of the major national parks. It is in the desert, hot, sandy, but also next to Lake Powell. There are a million things to do down there, and to tell the honest truth- no where on the face of this planet compares. I love it down there. So this weekend we went to the Grand Canyon North Rim. Woah! Holy hell.. I have never been that blown away by a place. The spirit around that area is awesome anyway. We froze our asses off, but we had a blast. I can not wait to go back!!

Trips like that are some that you never forget. But it's not just the place, it is the people you spend time with. 

So Friday, I am headed back to Bama for 12 days, then hopefully back top Big Water to set the semester off with a kick. Life is good... it really really is. 

Until next time. xoxo