Yay for Blogs!

So, it has been months.. like 5 months to be exact since I have blogged- and SO much has happened. Firstly, I went through the temple and took out my endowments! How exciting is that? On June 18th, I went through the Salt Lake City Temple. It was absolutely amazing- and I am so thankful to be able to go. The following Tuesday I went to Provo, then Wednesday I went to Manti. The Fryes came in to town to go with me and then we went to Manti for a session and to the Mormon Miracle Pagaent. The protesters were everywhere, and it was hard to believe that some people will go to the extremes that they do. We stayed down in Selina (in the absolute middle of nowhere HAHA!) But it was so good to see them and I hated seeing them leave. My mom also came down in April! She stayed with me for a week, and while she was here she seemed to love Utah. It was kinda chilly so a jacket was almost required all the time. It was so good to see her.. I miss her more than anything. I can't wait to see her again soon. She will be coming back when I have my surgery....

Speaking of surgery! Mine is coming up soon. I am getting the Duodenal Switch weight loss surgery. Look it up, it is intense. So the majority of my medical problems will go away after the surgery. I am so excited to be healthy again... and skinny. It is going to be a nice change. :)

Back to spiritual things. I started at a new ward in March. It is the best singles ward I have been in since I moved to Utah. The Bishopric is amazing and everyone participates in nearly everything. It makes living so far from home so much easier when you are busy. I also started working at Ancestry.com. My old job- well lets just say that the FTC shut them down and the owners are in deep. Greedy people never get anywhere in life... life lesson for today. Ancestry is a really good job, kind of repetitive but good nontheless. I am thankful for having a job period. I recieved a new calling in my ward, Family History Co-Chair- most definately because I work at Ancestry haha.

Also, one of my missionaries got married! Daniel Howard got married to a super sweet girl named Amanda. They are adorable together. I am thankful to be a part of their lives!

So that is pretty much it for today.. I am still waiting to find out about a mission. August 3rd is one year from my divorce so I will know then hopefully. Yay for blogging!!

Singles Awareness Day is such a creeper.

Ah it is that time of year again. The flower companies are making bank, and jewelry stores are making sure that you know they have they best deal ever. It is amazing to me how materialized this holiday has gotten. Whatever.


So this time last year,  I was married. I was getting Tim's gift together- one I knew he was going to love. This was my last Valentines with him. I didn't know that at the time and I didn't know that I was going to be alone this year. He has a girlfriend that he is spending it with. I wonder sometimes why I am alone.. why nothing I have lasts long. But to answer my own question, I actually do know why- because it is the lord's will. It is his divine plan that I find myself becoming inpatient with. I know that one day I will meet the guy who is perfect for me, the guy who loves me for who I am  not what I can do for him... the guy that not only holds the priesthood but also holds my heart. I know that I have to go through the things that I am going through now to get to that point. Sometimes I feel like it drags on. I have been feeling sorry for myself. Thinking, what about me, me me.. I am trying to be patient and trying to understand that it is not about me- it is about the lord and what he wants for me. He knows what he is doing.. and I trust him.


I have been through a lot this week.. well the past two weeks. I admit it is testing my patience. But I know that, that is the reason that I am going through what I am going through. To teach me to be patient.. it is a virtue that I never picked up on. It is FAR time. It is amazing to me how I am starting to be able to understand why things happen in the order that they happen. Before I didn't know why.. I asked why why why all the time.. But prayer.. and asking my Heavenly Father why has blessed me with the ability to answer my own question nearly before it leaves my mouth. What an amazing gift I have acquired.


So now it is the waiting game. Maybe I am not putting myself out there as much as I should. Or maybe it is because the lord has something else in store for me first. Maybe that something is a mission? I am still praying. Mt Bishop and Stake President approved of a mission, and the mission people are considering me. I keep thinking of what could be to come. I can't help but smile about it. I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up too much, but what is the point of getting excited for something if you don't go all out? I am patiently waiting and praying. It's all I can do right now.


I find that stress relief is a necessity. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I know what to do about it, and I am not 100% accurate with it, but reading, praying and listening to hymns is the best stress relief I have found so far. Also simplifying my life is necessary. For anyone who knows me, even for a week knows that I am a gadget person. I love new phones, computers.. ect. I have to have the newest and best always, but for once in my life I have decided that it is not necessary to own those things. Now, I have a Macbook but I kinda can't take it back, nor do I want to. I need it for school. I have to have a computer... but my phone is the biggest thing. I had an HTC Evo and I loved it.. and I returned it and got a basic flip phone. Yeah, I did that. GO ME! I shocked myself, imagine what everyone else thought?!? It was a good feeling. Progression!


So today I have been feeling so strange, mainly because this past week has been rough and long, and I am not rested enough to hold my head straight let alone make conscious decisions. I found that I talk too negative about myself, I feel sorry for myself and I am a selfish person. I am aiming to change that. Today. It's hard me not feeling sad, specifically this time of year... but I have to trust my Heavenly Father. I am putting it all in his hands. One day I will feel complete its just not now.  I guess what bothers me is that I have not been on anything remotely like a date since this time last year. Tim never took me out, so when you live in the date capital of the world you feel kinda out of place. I guess I just would like someone to ask me to go on a date just once. There I go again, feeling sorry for myself. Its hard to smile when everyone else is so happy and you feel so incredibly alone. I knew this was going to happen when I moved here. I don't know how to approach people.. I am socially awkward when it comes to dating. Provo/Orem, Utah: Marriage Capital of the World. I think my expectations for this place were entirely too high. I guess I thought I would at least date when I got here. I was wrong. This is what leads me to think that there is something so much bigger out there for me. I am letting go of this, and I am going to pray about what I should do next. If it was meant for me to find someone already, I would have found them, but its not, and I am not going to question the lords decisions. He knows what he is doing. Well that is about all for now... I think I will go for a drive, take a view. It is too gorgeous outside to be sitting inside blogging about how pathetic my dating life is. I need to live, and the time is now.


Jenna

My Awesome Talk on Agency :)

Elder Hales gave a talk this past general conference on Agency. Up until April 2010, my definition of agency did not come close to what “our agency” is.  I couldn’t have said it better than the way Elder Hales stated. Agency is the ability and privilege God gives us to choose and “to act for [ourselves] and not to be acted upon.” Agency is to act with accountability and responsibility for our actions. Our agency is essential to the plan of salvation. With it we are “free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil.

This is a pretty amazing choice that we are making. This is our eternal choice. A choice that lasts forever.

As far as we know, the first time we used our agency was in the premortal existence. In a 2001 Women’s Conference, Sister Sherry Dew gave a powerful talk that intertwined with agency and our ability to use it.  She said, We know that we were there, in the heavenly councils before the foundations of this earth were laid. We were there when our father presented his plan. We saw the savior chosen and appointed, and we sanctioned it. We were there among the heavenly host who sang and shouted for joy. And when Satan unleashed his fury against the Father and the Son and was cast out of Heaven.  We were there, fighting on the side of truth. We stood loyally by God and by Jesus, and.. did not flinch. Now we are here. Separated from our heavenly home. To prove whether or not we want to be part of the kingdom of God more than anything else. The lord is testing our faith and our integrity to see if we will persevere in a realm where Satan reigns. Happily, despite taking the test into the stormy twilight of the dispensation of the fullness of times... We have once again chosen to follow Jesus Christ. We have chosen to follow him because we remember him and recognize him.

It is something so absolutely amazing to me. We were able to choose. And we still choose Christ, every day of our lives. We continue to constantly strive to return to our Heavenly Father. We use our agency and we choose him.  I find it astonishing at the choices I have made in my own life. How in the presence of heavenly father I chose my savior, but up until this past year, I chose differently. I used my agency and made some questionable decisions. But making the choice to learn and understand the gospel, was by far the most amazing act of using my agency I have ever made.  When I started having lessons with the missionaries, I noticed that things just seemed to click. Like they fit in place so perfectly. Heavenly Fathers plan is so perfect and divine. I knew these things before. I felt it, because it was almost a sense of déjà vu. Like I have heard it before. There is no greater feeling that learning something, for what you think is for the first time, and recognizing it at the same time- and then following.

But even before all of the good choices I have made, I also have made some not so good choices. I used my agency to disobey my heavenly father and Jesus Christ. I thought I was happy. I was wrong.  Elder Hales told a story in his talk about disobeying and the consequences of doing so. He said, In my youth I learned an important lesson about how our actions may limit our freedom. One day my father assigned me to varnish a wooden floor. I made the choice to begin at the door and work my way into the room. When I was almost finished, I realized I had left myself no way to get out. There was no window or door on the other side. I had literally painted myself into a corner. I had no place to go. I was stuck.

Whenever we disobey, we spiritually paint ourselves into a corner and are captive to our choices. Though we are spiritually stuck, there is always a way back. Like repentance, turning around and walking across a newly varnished floor means more work—a lot of re-sanding and refinishing! Returning to the Lord isn’t easy, but it is worth it.

I could relate to this story so well. Because I had done the same thing, in sense. I had lived for myself, and only myself. I didn’t care how it affected other people, or that I was disobeying my heavenly father. I didn’t realize until very recently all of the blessings that I missed out on because of my poor choices- because now my blessings are in abundance, and I know it is because I am using my agency wisely. I am living for Christ, and I know that one day I will be in the presence of my heavenly father again, and he will be well pleased. Before, when I would think of blessings, I would think of things I have. Physical things. A car, home, ect. But the real blessings are knowing that my heavenly father will provide for me. I have been blessed with an amazing family, who is anything but perfect, but they have such a love for each other it could bring a complete stranger to tears. I have been blessed with friends who are some of the most amazing people on earth. I have been blessed with having the Holy Ghost as my constant companion, and that I can feel the spirit in my life always. Blessings like these are some that I lacked before. I have had my family, but I was detached from them as was I detached from my friends. I didn’t feel the Holy Ghost constantly around me- which is such a lonely feeling. An empty feeling, that I can’t describe any other way than just saying, complete and utter sadness. I chose that life.

It has taken a long time to get where I am now. I feel like I have waited my entire life to feel what I feel at this very moment.  The spirit, happiness, joy. Enough joy to shout from every mountain surrounding the valley. And some..

Elder Hales said, “The scriptures teach us, “All have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.”  For those who find themselves captive to past unrighteous choices, stuck in a dark corner, without all the blessings available by the righteous exercise of agency, we love you. Come back! Come out of the dark corner and into the light. Even if you have to walk across a newly varnished floor, it is worth it. Trust that “through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind [including you and me] may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.”

 I stand before you and testify that it is worth every bit of hardships we may go through to return to the lord.. Using our agency to make the choices that Heavenly Father wants can bring such an abundance of blessings, just like it did for me. I know that when we are obedient to the lord that we are rewarded. Spiritually we are rewarded so much that it becomes impossible to think about not having the blessings that we have. Like it is for me, to think about how life was before- just seems like such a far off memory, when in fact it has been less than a year. 224 days to be exact.

I am so thankful for my Savior, and the ability to use my agency to choose him. To be able to choose his true church and be right back where I belong, I am so eternally grateful.  I am thankful for missionaries, who spread truth and light to people like myself who have pulled away from our Heavenly Father, and have used our agency in a negative way. I know that this is the true church of Jesus Christ that was restored to the earth. And I am so thankful that I have used my agency to come back and be able to speak to you today.

I say these things in the name of my beloved savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

The lord works in mysterious ways..

It's been a while since I have posted a blog, but I feel like I should now. So much has happened since I last posted. Firstly, Thanksgiving. I went to Colorado with Rachel and her family. We had so much fun! Colorado is amazing, and I met some of the most awesome people there! I hope to go back VERY soon! Not that I would move there, Utah has a very special place in my heart. I don't think I will ever leave here. I love it so much. Then December was good! I spent Christmas with Sarin and Jed and Sarin's family. They are such amazing people. I am happy that I finally got to meet them! It was a little strange, watching them on tv first, but they are such an influence to me. I don't think that they knew when they decided to be on the show that they would influence or affect someone as much as they did me. I am blessed to know them and to be friends with them.

We have had quite a bit of snow! So different from Bama. I love it! Driving in it isn't too much fun, but playing in it is, and it is gorgeous! More specifically, when the sun starts setting and the mountains are snow covered.

I think everyone in my family has made this picture their background on their computers, haha! This is my view from the area I work in. It is in Provo on State Street. Gorgeous! The temple is behind one of the trees, but that is a sight to see for sure. How could you not love a place with such a view?

Have I ever mentioned that my roommates are absolutely wonderful? I love those girls so much. They are absolutely amazing.  We have been going out to eat once or twice a month at different restraunts who have a different theme, or the food comes from a different country. So far we have had Thai, Japanese and Brazillian. It is such a good time to hang out with them. Those girls are my best friends. I am so blessed to know them. We also are having cooking nights, where I cook southern food, Nagisa cooks Japanese food and Rachel cooks Latvian food. 

Rachel and I hang out quite a bit. I can relate with her so much. She has served a mission and so we have talked about that a lot, and my dreams of one day serving one myself. We have went to Salt Lake a few times and have had some amazing experiences. One night we stayed in the apartment next to President Monson. SO AMAZING! Salt Lake is beautiful!

This tree was in the Conference Center. I told Rachel that we are stealing it and putting it in our apartment for next year. HAHA!

So I talked with my bishop about a mission. He was talking to the stake president and he said no for right now. I admit I am pretty heart broken over it, BUT, last night after Institute, I met the stake president and he asked me when I was divorced and when I joined the church, and then he said for me to have a meeting with him tonight. So the doors are not completely closed. I am thankful! Some more good news is.... are you ready for this?  In less than 5 months I get to go to the temple!!! How amazing is that?!? I am so excited and blessed. So now I am picking where I want to go, and I am leaning towards Salt Lake. That is the most beautiful temple I have ever saw. Rachel was talking about the spirit that is there, and she is right.. not even being inside the temple, I can feel it. So I called Sister Ross and Brother and Sister Frye to see if they would come and be with me when I go. Also, Rachel, Rob and Daniel are going. I have such an amazing support group.

I miss Cullman so much. My ward was my family, I wish everyone could come. Imagine that, the entire Cullman ward packed into a plane headed toward Salt Lake City. :) I have been spending time up at the Provo temple, not so much going in but just being on the property. I love it there. It is so amazing.

Well being at work, I guess this is all for now. I am not going to go that long again without blogging. It is such a good way to let things out while still letting people know what is going on in my life. Until next time..

Jenna

November in Utah :)

This move happened so quickly. It's hard to think about the major change that my life has had. A year a go I was married, unhappy, in love, sad, trapped.. and now- I am happy, loved, excited, spiritual and most importantly free. Free from where I lived, free from the drama that was associated with half the people I was friends with, free from satans control over my life. I love where my life is now- so much. 

So my move. The plane ride was scary. I don't know why I was so afraid to fly. I said goodbye to Mom and Bianca, and walked up the terminal. When I got there- there was a problem with the tire on the plane. So they were bringing in a new tire from another airport- in Atlanta. So my flight was rescheduled and I flew on United instead of Delta. I flew from Huntsville to Denver, then to Salt Lake City. It was a short flight, but when I saw the mountains it hit me- that I was really doing this! I got to the airport and my super awesome roommate picked me up. We went and ate at this really awesome place in Salt Lake City and then met up with one of her brothers and toured Temple Square. Seeing the Salt Lake Temple was so amazing. It was so crazy, we saw 6 brides there. So many people getting married! That will be me one day, I hope. 

Then to the apartment. It is so much bigger here than I was expecting! I love it! I lucked out though. I ended up getting amazing roommates! Nagisa- she is from Japan. I am learning so much about their culture from her! and Rachel- she is from Colorado. She served a mission in Latvia which is in the Baltic States in eastern Europe. Slowly she is teaching me Latvian, and I love it! The only two things I know so far is, Vai ne and juu es piekritu which means right and I agree. :) She is such an amazing person, and I am so blessed to have roommates like I do. The night I got in, we went over Robs apartment, to get my stuff from him. It was so good to see him! I have missed him like crazy!

 

Since I have gotten here so much has happened though! On Sunday, we went to church and met everyone in the singles ward. Then after church we went to the Provo Temple. Every missionary from the MTC was there, it was so crazy! I loved it though. It started snowing when we were there which was pretty amazing. That night we went to Ward Prayer which is interesting. Just about everyone in the ward lives in our apartments. 

I started putting in resumes and applications for jobs on Monday, and out of the 15 apps I put in I got 5 calls back. Which isn't too shabby. I was actually hired at 3 places, so I had a choice as to where I was going to work. I took a job with Wholesalematch.com. I love it there! The job is Monday - Friday 9-5. I am so lucky to have found something so quickly and a job I actually like!  I registered for school, and I will be taking a few night classes. I may actually only take one, but Im not sure. I need that bus pass! LOL! The buses are interesting though, and I have mastered them! The 831 picks up in front of my apartment. I can go towards Provo on it or towards UVU. I take the 831 to UVU where I get on the 811 which takes me to the Mt. Timpanoga transit station- where I wait for the 850. The 850 takes me to Provo- but I get off on State St. for work. I pretty much have this down. I probably just confused anyone who reads my blog. And the really cool thing is that my work is a block away from Robs, so I can go hang out with him when I get off work if he is not busy, and I can kick his trash at Halo and Black Ops HA! 

So basically life here is good. The weather is awesome ( I love the cold! ) and the people are amazing. I have a good job, good friends, good ward (But nothing compares to Cullman!) and a great life. I miss everyone so much, but every day I realize why I moved here, and I realize how happy I am here. I am thankful for all of my many many blessings. Our heavenly Father's plan is so amazing, and perfect. He knew what he was doing when he sent me here. Now there is only one thing that could make my life better- to be called as a Missionary. Maybe one day. I am still praying about it.. and I have faith that no matter what happens that the lord will guide me and I will be happy.

Oh and one last thing. The pics that Anthony took are in! :)

A broken heart heals so slowly.

I have come to realize what all I have lost. Not my old friends, not my old life, but someone I love so much and I have realized how bad it hurts to not have him. Once upon a time we were so happy, I just wish it would have lasted longer. I miss him so much I can't hardly stand it. I know that we are over, but I just wish I could shake the feelings I have completely. I tried to suppress them for so long, and I cant pretend like I don't care anymore. I wish he could know what I know now, so we could at least try again. I didn't give enough effort, I ran too quickly at the first sign of smoke when I should have waited it out and tried to make things work. I feel like a helpless cause. I thought I got married for the wrong reasons, but I think we got married for the right reasons, just at the wrong time. I don't know what to do other than pray. That is really all I can do. I look around at all the people I know, who are truly happy, and I think about being there one time. Looking into my husbands eyes and seeing myself. Knowing that my children were going to look just like him. I can't say I never loved him, because if I didn't I wouldn't be hurting this badly now. I have been so upset, and I feel like I just can't stop crying. I think it's because maybe deep down I thought that one day we could try again. That divorce didn't mean the end of US. And now that I am moving away, it's like I know that we are over for good. The odds of him coming to Utah for me are very slim.. almost non existent. I just wish sometimes that I would have tried harder, not griped as much and just loved him more. I would give just about anything to go back to one day of happiness with him. I remember, one night I had a really bad dream that he died. I woke up crying, and I looked over and he was still there.. next to me and sound asleep. I woke him up, I told him what I had dreamed about, and he hugged me and told me that he loved me so much, I begged him, please never leave me and he said, "Jenna, I would never leave you...ever." I never thought at that moment in time that I would ever be where I am now. I love him so much, and I can't help but feel like my chest is crushed. A note to self, never regret something that made you happy- ever. Hold on to who you love for dear life because you could blink and them be gone forever. He said we are two different people, and he is just trying to move on with his life, but I can't accept the fact that he is so easily able to move on and I am falling apart- and dying of a broken heart.  I hope one day that I can feel for one second what I did for him- and be in that moment of happiness. If I could just get that chance one more time, I promise I will never let go of it.

Rambling.

I started packing. Maybe a week too soon, but I have one suitcase done. Delta told me that I have a 50lb weight limit for the flight, and I think one of my suitcases already go over that lol. Mom said that she will ship some stuff to me, or possibly take some things with her when she comes for a visit. It is so hard taking everything I own and stuffing them in two suitcases. Anyway, so that is what I have been doing all day- washing clothes and packing.

Yesterday was such a sad day for me. I was released as a Ward Missionary. It kinda made reality set in a bit. And tomorrow is my last Relief Society shindig here in Cullman. Sometimes I feel like the time before my move is dragging on and other times I feel as though it is flying past me. I just keep in mind that the holy ghost is with me, and my heavenly father knows what he is doing. His plan for me is so perfect and divine. I worry, but I am trying so hard not to. I am so excited to get out to Utah and see my friends though! It is going to be SO exciting! Sometimes I feel like this is all I have to blog about but hopefully soon I will stop talking about it.

On to other things. Okay, really, I am so tired I have nothing else to talk about. Lame I know. I should go to bed.