Life is about changing. It is about adapting ourselves to change in the world without compromising our values and loves. I have been one to adapt too much. In fear of not gaining acceptance from whoever I am around. I would and still do adapt entirely and I tend to lose myself. I had a really good friend help me to look at my life in a different way. Regardless if he meant to cause this rift in myself, it happened, and I am thankful for it.
I picked up bad habits again- I did so good for so long. And I thought that it was over when I was in Bama, but when I got home, it kicked in again. I don't know if it was stress, school, being back in Bama and being completely stressed out, or just a mere want for something I had an addiction to. But regardless, I knew it was something I needed to fix- I just didn't want to. I felt like one day I will, or tomorrow works. But that is just procrastination. I needed to do something TODAY. So I did. And I can honestly say it stressed me out, but at the same time, I know the benefits and blessings from doing so. I am fixing myself, to become the best person I can be. It has been a long process, as this isn't the start- however, it is the first time I have took initiative and went in head first to tackle this cloud around myself. Its like my addictions were taunting me. Constantly in my ear whispering most of the time, screaming other times that I am weak, that I can't do this without them, no one will accept me, no one could love me, and I need outside support from my addictions to make things right. I knew all along that this was very wrong. Very very wrong. But yet, I would give in and each time I did I knew that I was becoming just a little bit weaker when I would go to tackle it in the future. Well the past few days I have taken a step back and analyzed my life and what I am doing and where I am going. I can't progress towards my happiness with bad things holding me back. No one can. I was on a leash, and I cut it off this morning. I feel free.
There are a lot of things we as human beings do in life that may not be good for us, depending on who we talk to. Then there are things that are not good for us regardless who we talk to. We all know they are wrong, yet we fall into this vicious cycle and it is nearly impossible to get out- that is until we make a conscious decision to just blind side the addiction or problem and tackle it with full force- and no warning. I find that if we do that, then it is easier to say no to whatever it is, but that doesn't make it easy completely. No matter what we do as a habit, it is a habit because it is easy, it brings us temporary self satisfaction, and we justify it. If we tackle a habit and just wash our hands clean of it, it brings us closer to the things that we actually want to do in life, and we are not held back.
I have had a few days of self reflection to come to the conclusions that I have. I have been thinking about the future and what I need to do to be happy- and make the people around me equally happy. Now, I am not saying that I have the ability to make everyone happy, because there will be people that will never be happy no matter what you do for them, but at least I can say that I tried. I want happiness just like anyone else. I want to be able to look someone straight in the eye and say, no my life may not be perfect, but at least I am happy. I was able to say that before, but was it real? Was it happiness that I fabricated? Or was it true happiness because in my world all was right, I had tried to fix my wrongs and build up the bridges that I have burned?
This is a process. It was never meant to be easy. Life is hard, and no one ever gets it completely right. But you know, that is the amazing part of being a human. We are forgiving, we can be humble, and we can look past the wrongs to see the good in anything. I am forgiving myself for the stupid things I have done, I am forgiving my past wrong-doers that have hurt me, I am forgiving of my family that may have done wrong in the past that affected me, but most importantly I am telling myself with full honesty that I know I am not perfect, I make mistakes, but that is what makes the atonement so great. I know that my father in heaven has forgiven me already, but we are always harder on ourselves. I need to quit worrying so much about every little thing, and everything that I may have done in the past that hinders my mind and my decisions now. I am an imperfect being- I know this all too well. The greatest thing though that I have to look forward to is that whoever decides to give this broken down, recently humbled girl a chance to be in their life will be surprised by the amount of humility that I have came into recently, they will see that I am giving my all because what is life truly about if you don't give your all anyway? Friends, spouses, family. I am looking at it all in a new light. It has taken me a long time and I am definitely not completely fixed but change must start with initiative- and that starts now.
I am diving into the unknown. Taking a leap of faith. I am humbling myself. Understanding my wrongs, and fixing them. It is amazing what a few wise words to a very selfish girl can do. Like I said before, it is a process, but step one is self reflection and admitting, step two is taking action. I think I am on a good path. :) Get it!
