Thoughts...

Just a few thoughts for the night:

• I need to go to the gym again. I feel huge. Strange, yeah? I always feel amazing when I have a schedule, so I will get that in place once I get back to Cedar.
• I picked up two bad habits recently, and I quit them just as quickly as I picked them back up. Amazing the will power we hold inside of us. 
• I need to smile more. You never know how much a smile can help someone who has a heart full of hurt. 
• Netflix really needs to list season 3 of Sister Wives- I am just a little bit aggravated that they are taking so long.
• I am beyond ready for the holidays, however Thanksgiving may be lonely. I have yet to make plans, and I will still be in Cedar. I am not inviting myself anywhere, I will not create a burden on anyone. It may just be me, myself and I that day.
• I love the song Roslyn- Bon Iver & St. Vincent. I have had it on repeat for days. 
• I have really missed my family and friends in Alabama, but I definitely do not miss the drama that is associated with this place. I remember why I was okay to move- however it does not make living so far from my Mom any easier. I miss her like crazy.
• Speaking of my Mom, I am super happy that she is so accepting of me and my beliefs. She has made my decisions easier and she is truly an amazing person.
• For some reason, hitting the age of 26 has made me baby hungry like crazy. I know things will come in Heavenly Fathers time, however I am human and I am impatient I suppose. I want a family to call my own more than anything- I am ready to be a mom.
• I made around $100 too much last year to receive a full pell grant. Well that just sucks.
• School is starting soon, I have around 5 semesters before I graduate with my Bachelor of Science in Criminal Justice. :)
• I miss the mountains in northern Utah, but I love the red rock in southern Utah more.
• Sometimes I wonder about Logan, and what could have happened there- and then I remember all of the things that pointed to Cedar and I know that I made the right choice. It is just hard because I have no friends there, and it makes it less exciting to come back from a place where I know everyone, to somewhere I know no one. 
• I need to see a chiropractor like now. :)
• My moms little dog is going to mourn so bad when I leave, just like he did last time. I really hate that he does that, and feels so bad. I also know it is crazy to feel that way about a dog, but I grew up the past 10 years with him- its hard not to have an attachment. 
• Mostly this is a list of the things I need to do. I am content with that. 

Until next time.

xoxo

The Desires of my Soul.

Well, it is that time again. Yes, time for another fantastic blog. I praise my blogs entirely too much. It may be fantastic. The truth is I just like to write- or type for that matter. So even if it is not fantastic to anyone other than myself, as long as I get to express what I feel whenever I feel necessary, I am okay.

My mind has been racing the past couple of days, or more like the past couple months. I have a lot going on lately with my trip back to Bama, and school starting on the 27th. I have a lot to get in order this month. The good news is that my issues lately are not so much heart related as they have been in the past. I have said recently how happy I am. I am happy that I came to a decision for my life and now that my ultimate goal is in sight, I can breathe. Breathing is good, you know?

I am registered for my classes, and thankfully they are all Criminal Justice classes. I am ready to be done. Over ready to be done. I guess as far as work and school goes, work is the only thing that has me kinda stressed out. I acquired a job the Friday that I moved to Cedar, only to lose it yesterday. It was nothing that I did, it was a decision from the CEO who is in Boston to let me go because they actually "didn't need me". So that sucks. I was content, I loved my job and my boss, so this is quite unfortunate. I guess that takes a little stress off of me until school starts. Plus I wouldn't have been working the next two weeks anyway because of being in Alabama.

I am meeting up with a lot of my old friends and family to catch up. So much has changed with me in the past year and a half- and they know it. Normally I am a super open person, but I have become somewhat private as of late. My personal life is really none of anyone's business- however that doesn't mean that people will not pry. I have gotten good at avoiding questions haha.

I have made some pretty significant decisions for my life recently. I will be talking to my mom about life and the future a bit when I am home, it should be a nice conversation. I am excited about the future for myself, but I think that the worst part of everything is waiting, and not knowing. Not knowing exactly what will happen in my life. I know what I want, but the picture I have painted for myself is not necessarily what I will receive. I love the feeling of something new, something that is exciting for the soul. Anything that is pleasing to the Lord is something to be exciting over truth be told. I have been through a lot, most of the people who read my blog know that. Nothing good in life is easy, when it is then it is never good. So my faith and patience are being tested right now. I am being patient, because the Lord does things in his own time- so I wait. Smiling and calm on the outside, but on the inside I am anxious- as that comes with anything worth waiting for. I am developing a type of love in my heart that I have never known before. At times I feel like I should jump the gun and just try to speed things along, but the majority of the time my soul and the spirit remind me that good things come to those who wait. So waiting is mandatory now. Situations need to develop in favor of what my heart wants, I know that much, but I will never tell the Lord what to do. That never plays out very well.

I am getting older, yes 26 is young, I know. However, I have a desire, as most girls in their mid twenties, to have a family, to have a baby that looks like me. How amazing would that be? Nearly every friend I have has children and that is something that makes me want it more. To bring a life into this world, a miracle. I guess that is why I feel so impatient. I am patient but there are times that I feel that something of that magnitude will never happen for me. It is hard to think about having a child of my own. I know 4 or 5 pregnant friends as of right now, and I have played it out in my mind over and over, wondering why I want a family so badly and that is what it has came to. I am ready to be a mom, that is it. I can finish school any time, and I fully plan on it- however a family is something that should never be put on the back burner. I have learned that from experience. So here I am, the ripe age of 26 and for the first time in my life I can honestly say that I would be ready for that at any time from here on. It is a new feeling for me, but it was the lack of love for other people and more love for myself in the past that made me feel inadequate. I love myself yes, and I loved my ex husband, but I think that the want for a family was more him than myself. Now that I am not married I felt that desire kick in overdrive. I told one of my closest girl friends recently how I felt about it. She is nearly the only person I can tell anything like that to. Its crazy how close you get to people to be able to share the most intimate details of your soul to. November 2011 kinda changed my life, in all reality. I have been thinking about the people that I met at the end of last year and I can't help but feel so drawn to them. My comfort level around them exceeds that of anyone else. I love how the spirit works and instills that feeling of peace in my heart when I am around those who my spirit already loves.

Well now that is out. On to other things. I am staring at my fully packed suitcase, and other than the things I need to get ready with in the morning, I am all set. I am a little scared to fly- which is strange. I have been on more planes than nearly everyone I know. I guess when you become an adult you realize how precious life is, and that you need to make the most of it. I would hate for my life to be cut short before I finished all that I want to do here. I am not trying to sound morbid, but it is just a legitimate fear I have.

Well that is about all for now. I am thinking a nap is in order, because Lord knows I am not going to get any sleep on my red eye tomorrow night. I will be leaving Salt Lake at quarter to 1 am, and arrive finally in Huntsville, Alabama at 11:04 am. The next two weeks should be good, but I can tell you now that I will be ready to come home once it is all over with. I will be ready to get back down to southern Utah to relax before school starts. I need this vacation so badly. :)

Until next time.

xoxo

Life is Good.

Life is good. Oh so good. I am happier now than I have ever been in my life. Getting out of the "Bubble" in Provo did a lot of good. I didn't move to Logan like I had originally planned. I did however move to Cedar City which is about 3 hours south of Provo. I moved in to a place here where I am content for the time being until I can get up the energy to find somewhere else, as this is just temporary. But for now, I am doing well. I am all settled in and feeling good. 

Cedar is really a gorgeous place to live. I saw 4 rainbows within my first few days here. Which is way nice! You know you are having a good week when you see that many. 

I went back down to Big Water this week to spend time with my favorite people. When I come home I feel super depressed lol. It is literally in the middle of nowhere, but in the center of it all.  Nearly the same distance to Bryce, Zions, The Grand Canyon, Cottonwood Canyon.. everything. All of the major national parks. It is in the desert, hot, sandy, but also next to Lake Powell. There are a million things to do down there, and to tell the honest truth- no where on the face of this planet compares. I love it down there. So this weekend we went to the Grand Canyon North Rim. Woah! Holy hell.. I have never been that blown away by a place. The spirit around that area is awesome anyway. We froze our asses off, but we had a blast. I can not wait to go back!!

Trips like that are some that you never forget. But it's not just the place, it is the people you spend time with. 

So Friday, I am headed back to Bama for 12 days, then hopefully back top Big Water to set the semester off with a kick. Life is good... it really really is. 

Until next time. xoxo

Free.

For the first time in my life I have a set goal. A huge set goal. I know what I want and I know now what I need to do to get it. I feel so accomplished. It is true that I have been on an emotional roller coaster for a while, it sucks but hey that is life. My goal seems so clear in the distance however I am VERY aware of what I need to do to face the challenges that will come my way. It is so nice to have that goal in sight.

Time. Things take time. My goal, my aspirations, my happiness.. all are things that will take time to achieve. I am happy with the recent changes in my life and more specifically the people that have entered my life that have taught me more than any book I could ever read. People who put an extra ripple in the pool of life.

So now I will proceed with the things that truly make me happy, and the things that I know in my heart are true. I feel free.. I am not going to lie, it is a wonderful feeling.  :)

xoxo

Okay. So here I am, another Friday night sitting at home with nothing to do. My roommate, who I might add doubles as a secret spy.. okay she's not a spy, however she does in fact double as my best friend- is out with her boyfriend again, and I am quite sure is pissed off at me. She tends to stay that way these days. She knows something has changed in me, something big. I don't care that she is mad, however it is somewhat aggravating that she stays pissed at me at all times as of late. She has plans to move back home early, as our move out date is August 17th and she is leaving like this week. I know she doesn't want to be here anymore and I can't help but to think some of that would be because of me. 


I am not going to apologize for my change in heart, nor will I apologize for my firm standing in my beliefs. I will not back down to anyone. This isn't just about how she feels lately, it is about how everyone feels. 


Let me rewind a bit and explain why I am moving away. Originally Logan, Utah was set in place to become my new home. Not that I don't love Logan, I do. However, I didn't want to move to another Provo. Utah State was giving me fits about transferring in and making my life somewhat difficult. So I decided to try my luck elsewhere. I have a few reasons for going to Cedar City instead, one being that I may or may not have fell in love with Southern Utah. I am telling you, if any place in Utah is God's country, that would be it. The scenery is breath taking and the weather down there is phenomenal. The two friends that I had that lived in Cedar moved away, which made me super sad, but I can't rely on anyone else for my happiness and I feel in my heart of hearts that going south would make me the happiest. 


Now on to why I think Provo, Utah is a mistake to live in. Perfection. Yes, perfection- the all amazing  Utah Mormon who seems to break every rule while holding themselves as this perfect being. It is scary to be honest. If I break a rule, I am scorned by someone who believes that they hold the law higher when they in fact break nearly every rule possible, but hey I am the bad one here! Shame on me saying any different! I have noticed that this area is different, but it wasn't until after my surgery that I let go of trying to fit this impossible mold that is here for anyone that ever wants to have it all, friends, family, wealth, and the highest calling that the church can give them. It is all about status, and being so impossibly busy that not only do you not have time for friends but you have no time for anything other than making yourself look to be this all desirable being for all to gawk at. And people actually do that! That was not an exaggeration! 


For example, the perfect guy would be as follows: Elders Quorum President, working a full time job making bank, going to school full time to be either a doctor or a engineer of some sort. This person provides service whenever it makes them look good, they are involved in everything that their ward has, they are super close to their MORMON family. I put that in bold so you know how serious that is. This is the perfect family in the church that would make the Prophet himself cry. It is that rare you see? This person accidentally cusses and repents for the next 12 years, and never sins. Never. Christ apparently isn't the only one- at least that is how it comes across. This person, sadly enough is a myth. They don't exist, but as long as they look like they do, well then it doesn't matter. One main principle taught in the church is that it doesn't matter what people think but what GOD thinks, that is why when you sin, you repent, and if it is bad enough you go to your bishop. I can not tell you how many people I have met in the past year and a half being in Provo that seem to fit perfectly to this mold until you get to know them and then you find out that not only do they sin, but they sin bad enough to lose their recommend and God only knows what else, but no one knows. They come clean to no one. Interesting right? 


The perfect girl is where it gets interesting. This girl is the size of a toothpick, going to school for something along the lines of a "Perfect Mother & Wife" degree, whatever the actual title is I am a tad bit foggy on.. but that is only because I have been more focused on my real degree, you know to keep criminals behind bars and away from ruining your American Dream. This girl is extremely active, gorgeous and dumb as a box of rocks. The only reason she goes to the temple, at an inappropriate age I might add, is because she is getting married to the perfect guy. She has no baggage, but once again this is a lie, no one knows because how can anyone know your flaws if you are to portray yourself as "perfect". 


How can anyone ever fit this standard that Provo has so imbedded in itself that reality is nearly nonexistent? Fake it until you make it, right? Then once this perfect couple is married in the temple, they start to have babies because you know, you fake it until you make it. They bring a child into the world completely blinded from reality so that they may grow up and follow along in their perfect parents foot steps. Madness I tell you!!! There is such a thing as a real world, but it is so far away from the bubble here in Utah County people actually believe it is only something you see in movies. Instead of educating their children on the concept, they go about their merry way oblivious to what is real and what is not. So I quit trying to be a perfect person, because lets just be honest with ourselves, it is NOT possible, regardless how many people here try to tell themselves that it is. It is actually pretty hilarious. It is like a modern day Pleasantville!!! Only thing missing is the fact that it is not black and white. It is actually all white. Try to find a black person in Provo.. okay let me rephrase that.. try to find a black person in Provo that ACTS black. I'll wait. No? Yeah that is like a white elephant in this area. 


I want to go back to my best friend. This blog isn't about her, for those of you that might think she is the perfect girl I am talking about. That would be inaccurate. She is much different, thus the reason we get along so well. I just felt the need to start this blog out stating that things have changed for me and I am pretty sure she stays pissed because of it. Nothing against her, I love her like she is my sister, it was just something that was on my mind. 


So like I said, my beliefs have changed recently. Not my faith, but my beliefs in how I should live my life. After my surgery I was fed up. I was fed up trying to be someone that I am not, and becoming so depressed because I was so inadequate. I am not inadequate, however Provo and the culture here can make you feel that way. So I have made some pretty huge decisions and for the first time since I joined the church, I feel like they are so solid and so true that I can't turn away nor would I try to. I love this! I love that I finally took some type of control of my decisions and now if someone flips on me because they think it was the wrong one, I will not second guess it, because to me it was right. I feel kinda free. I say kinda because until I am out of Provo and I don't have to watch my back anymore, I will not feel truly free. But, that is soon!! Very soon actually! I am moving to Cedar City in about 3 weeks or so, and I will be staying with a good friend of mine's niece. It will be nice to finally break free of a few chains. 


It is time for another chapter in my life, and for the first time in a LONG time I am ready to take life by the horns. It will be a good ride, and I am excited for the events that lie ahead of me. It will be good to breathe deep again- and this time red sand cliffs will be in my view. Cedar City won't know what hit them. :)

Credit: Rankin Studio (amazing work right?) (Oh and not Cedar City, but some other amazing place in Southern Utah)


xoxo

I am not dead..

I want to lay out my story, because it is something that has been weighing on my heart the past couple of weeks.

Growing up, I was a normal size kid (In today's society) I was a little bigger than my friends but not by much. By the time 10th grade rolled around, I was cheerleading and I was the second biggest one on the squad but I was not big by no means. My senior year is when I started gaining. I jumped from 160 to 230 in a matter of about 8 months. I had NO idea what was going on, but even then I didnt consider myself fat. I held my weight well, and at 5'6'' I felt like yeah I could lose some, but I would rather have that extra sandwich, or 3 glasses of sugared ice tea (for all of those who know I am LDS, I am a convert- thus Tea is no more ;))

I never looked at myself as fat, I just saw me. A girl, yes bigger than some, but pretty, successful, and loved by an amazing guy. I look back now and realize what a jerk he was. He hooked me up with a medical weight loss clinic during my senior year, and told me he didnt want to be with someone who let themselves go. I wasnt letting myself go, I still got ready and dolled up every day, I just didnt eat right, so what? I am from the south, I dont know anyone now that works out as much as I do. Anyway.. he cheated on me all the time and so we split up when I was 19. Then at 22 I got married to an amazing man.. yes I still say he is amazing even though we divorced. (Religious differences- so he left me) whatever.. and he never said a word about my weight. He was overweight himself, but not obese. I, on the other hand was now tipping towards 300 pounds. My best friend was close to the same size as I was and so even then I still did not see myself as fat. I was happy, and I didnt care what anyone said.

My health started deterating during my marriage (Between 2008-2010). I developed PCOS when I was 16 and it had gotten worse. (we found out because we were trying to have a baby) and my blood pressure was not the greatest. I found out that I was borderline Type 2 Diabetes and insulin resistant. My gallbladder started messing up also the year we got married and I stayed sick until last year when they finally removed it. Last year I was diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apnea and I was sufforcating on a Bi-Pap machine for a few months. When I moved to Utah in November 2010 and I was getting over my divorce, and a huge change in climate, culture and the like, I decided to start dating again.

It was horriffic. I was called fat by at least 2 guys to my face that I was interested in, and most guys wouldnt look at me. Now I want to explain the area I live in. I live in Mormon-ville, AKA: The Bubble, Happy Valley.. or better known as Provo, Utah. Utah Mormons are very focused on perfection. It boggles my mind honestly, just because of how our beliefs are, but anyway... So I couldnt get a decent guy to look at me to save my life. It made me feel awful.. so I started looking at myself in the mirror trying to figure out what could I do to make this better on me. I had researched the surgery when my ex and I were married but I put it on the back burner because I didnt want to do something to limit the things I loved so much.

So the surgery was brought back up, and I found a surgeon. I remember thinking: I hate myself so much. I am so UGLY. No one will ever want me. Forget the health problems I have; PCOS, Sleep Apnea, 70% risk of Breast cancer and ovarian cancer, and high risk of liver cancer (due to family history). I will take the health risks if I could just find someone decent and who loves me here. It is hard in Utah- dont ever let anyone tell you differently. There are marathons monthly, more health food stores, running stores, gyms personal trainers, weight loss centers, plastic surgeons, dentists (who specialize in perfecting your smile and making it bright enough to light the city) than anywhere I have ever lived before. I knew it was different but I wasnt expecting so much to be up against a fat gril from Alabama.

So, I found a surgeon like I said. He is absolutely amazing and his staff make you feel so at home. I still talk to his nurse on a weekly basis. And I decided, this fat girl has to die- I want a skinny girl reborn, someone that people want to get to know, someone that people can talk to and guys will want to take out on a date. That is all I wanted. That is all I thought about. The night before my surgery I was praying, and crying.. and I remember in my prayers asking my father in heaven to please help me to understand why I am doing the surgery- and what my real reason was. It recently hit me that it was not so much the heath concerns, but the way guys treated me here in Utah that pushed me over the edge enough to get the surgery.

So now I am just under 4 months out, and I have lost a total of 100 pounds since I moved to Utah. I get quite a bit of attention from guys here now, which is fun but strange. It is an adjustment. But I found myself looking at old pictures the other day and saying, I was so ugly, I was so fat, I will never be that again, I will never let myself go like that, no wonder no one wanted me...

I am acting like the old Jenna died and this new person came about, which in a sense is true- however.. I am still Jenna just smaller. I still cuss like a sailor, love more than most, forgive hurtful words quicker than anyone I know, I am still a legal student, and beloved daughter of my Father in Heaven.  The old Jenna did not die. I am too hard on my old self. I am mean to the old me.. I am mean like everyone else was when I actually was that size. I am hateful and hurtful to the old me. I would have been so broken down at that point if someone said the things about me (Which they did..) that I have said about myself.

We are too hard on our old selves!!! And I know I need to stop. My best friend saw a picture the other day of me around the time I met her, and she said, "I dont recognize that girl.. that is NOT my best friend.. I dont know who that is." I just took it, but I realized that the fat girl in the picture is the same person that was standing next to her.. and it hurt. I felt like I needed to stand up for the old me because I was happy!!! What drove me over the edge was nothing more than selfish jerks that want nothing more than perfection. No one is perfect in this life.. not the big girl I once was, and not the smaller girl I am now. I am protective over the fat girl in the pictures. I am protective because that is a part of me that will never quite go away- nor do I want it to. I know that the second the old Jenna is completely gone, that I will lose my idenity. No, I will not make the mistakes I made before to cause obesity, I will strive every day to live heathy and to be happy in my health- but never under any circumstances will I come down hard on myself for letting go of my heath and my life before. I know it was not good, but it has been fixed and now it is time to move on.

We need to quit calling ourselves fat, ugly, or poking fun at the old "us". For example, my baby sister is a bigger girl, and if anyone ever poked fun at her or said the things about her that I would say about my "old" self, I would probably tear them apart. Its not fair to them, it is not fair to us! No matter our size we need to start loving ourselves, and appreciating the lives that the creator of it all gave to us. It is a blessing, a gift- so yes we need to take care of it, but never beat yourself up for the person you was. Become healthy, but never talk bad about your old self. It makes me sad to think about how I talked about the old me... like a protective big sister, I am protecting the old me. She is not dead, she is the same- just healthy.

I guess what I am trying to say is never regret something that once made you happy. Not saying you were happy being bigger, but there were things in your life (as goes for all of us) that made you happy when you were bigger. It was a bump in the road and now it is over. Move on, but never forget who you were.

2 Years. 100 pounds. Roll Tide.

So much has happened lately!! Where do I begin? Well for starters, yesterday, June 6th 2012 was my two year membership date in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! Time sure flies! I can't believe that it has been 2 years already. So much has happened. I lost everything, moved to Utah, gained everything and now I am happy and content with my life. I mean obviously there are things that I wish would change... like getting a job. Yeah I really need one of those. :) Yesterday I also jumped off of my 3 week plateau for weight loss. I have officially lost 100 pounds since moving to Utah. My clothes fall off of me, so to Plato's Closet I go- wardrobe in hand.

 The only thing that didn't change too much are my shoes. I lied. Those changed too. Have you SAW my 5 inch heels??! No? Okay let me show you...

Yeah.. excuse my language but they are bad ass.


Anyway.. So my move to Logan, Utah is coming up very soon. I am pretty excited about it to be honest! It is going to be good. The only thing that kind of sucks is the fact that my friends are here. It makes me sad to be so far from them, however it is not like they are a million miles away and I FULLY plan on hanging out a bit through out the semester. I really need to focus on my studies- and as far as the summer semester goes I need straight A's. So over the past couple of days I busted out a 5 page paper that I will be turning in today. Success!!!


Oh I started crocheting again. Mariah asked me to crochet a pair of earrings for her boyfriends mom for a birthday gift.. and this is my finished product. :)

I am going home in August! August 11th to be exact! ROLL TIDE! I am so excited to see my friends and family before the semester starts- it is going to work out so well! It is going to be strange to be back home.. last time I was there I had no friends.. well I had like 2. My husband had just left me and I had lost nearly everything. I can't not wait to see the members of the Cullman Ward!!! They are all so amazing! So I worked it out that I will have two sundays there, so I will get to visit with everyone. It will be a nice breath of fresh air before I go back to Utah State in the Fall.


Classes start August 27th.. I don't know if I am prepared! lol.. it will be so good though! Oh yeah, just to point out, we all know how much I love the gym, well now my love has extended. My heart has been taken by Zumba. Yeah. Pretty much the best thing ever. I am telling you right now, I better have a good Zumba instructor in Logan or I will be driving to Orem 3 days a week. HAHAHA! Just kidding.. who has the money for that honestly.


Anyway, I am going to get ready for class- but I just wanted to post a little update. :)


xoxo