Life is Good.

Life is good. Oh so good. I am happier now than I have ever been in my life. Getting out of the "Bubble" in Provo did a lot of good. I didn't move to Logan like I had originally planned. I did however move to Cedar City which is about 3 hours south of Provo. I moved in to a place here where I am content for the time being until I can get up the energy to find somewhere else, as this is just temporary. But for now, I am doing well. I am all settled in and feeling good. 

Cedar is really a gorgeous place to live. I saw 4 rainbows within my first few days here. Which is way nice! You know you are having a good week when you see that many. 

I went back down to Big Water this week to spend time with my favorite people. When I come home I feel super depressed lol. It is literally in the middle of nowhere, but in the center of it all.  Nearly the same distance to Bryce, Zions, The Grand Canyon, Cottonwood Canyon.. everything. All of the major national parks. It is in the desert, hot, sandy, but also next to Lake Powell. There are a million things to do down there, and to tell the honest truth- no where on the face of this planet compares. I love it down there. So this weekend we went to the Grand Canyon North Rim. Woah! Holy hell.. I have never been that blown away by a place. The spirit around that area is awesome anyway. We froze our asses off, but we had a blast. I can not wait to go back!!

Trips like that are some that you never forget. But it's not just the place, it is the people you spend time with. 

So Friday, I am headed back to Bama for 12 days, then hopefully back top Big Water to set the semester off with a kick. Life is good... it really really is. 

Until next time. xoxo

Free.

For the first time in my life I have a set goal. A huge set goal. I know what I want and I know now what I need to do to get it. I feel so accomplished. It is true that I have been on an emotional roller coaster for a while, it sucks but hey that is life. My goal seems so clear in the distance however I am VERY aware of what I need to do to face the challenges that will come my way. It is so nice to have that goal in sight.

Time. Things take time. My goal, my aspirations, my happiness.. all are things that will take time to achieve. I am happy with the recent changes in my life and more specifically the people that have entered my life that have taught me more than any book I could ever read. People who put an extra ripple in the pool of life.

So now I will proceed with the things that truly make me happy, and the things that I know in my heart are true. I feel free.. I am not going to lie, it is a wonderful feeling.  :)

xoxo

Okay. So here I am, another Friday night sitting at home with nothing to do. My roommate, who I might add doubles as a secret spy.. okay she's not a spy, however she does in fact double as my best friend- is out with her boyfriend again, and I am quite sure is pissed off at me. She tends to stay that way these days. She knows something has changed in me, something big. I don't care that she is mad, however it is somewhat aggravating that she stays pissed at me at all times as of late. She has plans to move back home early, as our move out date is August 17th and she is leaving like this week. I know she doesn't want to be here anymore and I can't help but to think some of that would be because of me. 


I am not going to apologize for my change in heart, nor will I apologize for my firm standing in my beliefs. I will not back down to anyone. This isn't just about how she feels lately, it is about how everyone feels. 


Let me rewind a bit and explain why I am moving away. Originally Logan, Utah was set in place to become my new home. Not that I don't love Logan, I do. However, I didn't want to move to another Provo. Utah State was giving me fits about transferring in and making my life somewhat difficult. So I decided to try my luck elsewhere. I have a few reasons for going to Cedar City instead, one being that I may or may not have fell in love with Southern Utah. I am telling you, if any place in Utah is God's country, that would be it. The scenery is breath taking and the weather down there is phenomenal. The two friends that I had that lived in Cedar moved away, which made me super sad, but I can't rely on anyone else for my happiness and I feel in my heart of hearts that going south would make me the happiest. 


Now on to why I think Provo, Utah is a mistake to live in. Perfection. Yes, perfection- the all amazing  Utah Mormon who seems to break every rule while holding themselves as this perfect being. It is scary to be honest. If I break a rule, I am scorned by someone who believes that they hold the law higher when they in fact break nearly every rule possible, but hey I am the bad one here! Shame on me saying any different! I have noticed that this area is different, but it wasn't until after my surgery that I let go of trying to fit this impossible mold that is here for anyone that ever wants to have it all, friends, family, wealth, and the highest calling that the church can give them. It is all about status, and being so impossibly busy that not only do you not have time for friends but you have no time for anything other than making yourself look to be this all desirable being for all to gawk at. And people actually do that! That was not an exaggeration! 


For example, the perfect guy would be as follows: Elders Quorum President, working a full time job making bank, going to school full time to be either a doctor or a engineer of some sort. This person provides service whenever it makes them look good, they are involved in everything that their ward has, they are super close to their MORMON family. I put that in bold so you know how serious that is. This is the perfect family in the church that would make the Prophet himself cry. It is that rare you see? This person accidentally cusses and repents for the next 12 years, and never sins. Never. Christ apparently isn't the only one- at least that is how it comes across. This person, sadly enough is a myth. They don't exist, but as long as they look like they do, well then it doesn't matter. One main principle taught in the church is that it doesn't matter what people think but what GOD thinks, that is why when you sin, you repent, and if it is bad enough you go to your bishop. I can not tell you how many people I have met in the past year and a half being in Provo that seem to fit perfectly to this mold until you get to know them and then you find out that not only do they sin, but they sin bad enough to lose their recommend and God only knows what else, but no one knows. They come clean to no one. Interesting right? 


The perfect girl is where it gets interesting. This girl is the size of a toothpick, going to school for something along the lines of a "Perfect Mother & Wife" degree, whatever the actual title is I am a tad bit foggy on.. but that is only because I have been more focused on my real degree, you know to keep criminals behind bars and away from ruining your American Dream. This girl is extremely active, gorgeous and dumb as a box of rocks. The only reason she goes to the temple, at an inappropriate age I might add, is because she is getting married to the perfect guy. She has no baggage, but once again this is a lie, no one knows because how can anyone know your flaws if you are to portray yourself as "perfect". 


How can anyone ever fit this standard that Provo has so imbedded in itself that reality is nearly nonexistent? Fake it until you make it, right? Then once this perfect couple is married in the temple, they start to have babies because you know, you fake it until you make it. They bring a child into the world completely blinded from reality so that they may grow up and follow along in their perfect parents foot steps. Madness I tell you!!! There is such a thing as a real world, but it is so far away from the bubble here in Utah County people actually believe it is only something you see in movies. Instead of educating their children on the concept, they go about their merry way oblivious to what is real and what is not. So I quit trying to be a perfect person, because lets just be honest with ourselves, it is NOT possible, regardless how many people here try to tell themselves that it is. It is actually pretty hilarious. It is like a modern day Pleasantville!!! Only thing missing is the fact that it is not black and white. It is actually all white. Try to find a black person in Provo.. okay let me rephrase that.. try to find a black person in Provo that ACTS black. I'll wait. No? Yeah that is like a white elephant in this area. 


I want to go back to my best friend. This blog isn't about her, for those of you that might think she is the perfect girl I am talking about. That would be inaccurate. She is much different, thus the reason we get along so well. I just felt the need to start this blog out stating that things have changed for me and I am pretty sure she stays pissed because of it. Nothing against her, I love her like she is my sister, it was just something that was on my mind. 


So like I said, my beliefs have changed recently. Not my faith, but my beliefs in how I should live my life. After my surgery I was fed up. I was fed up trying to be someone that I am not, and becoming so depressed because I was so inadequate. I am not inadequate, however Provo and the culture here can make you feel that way. So I have made some pretty huge decisions and for the first time since I joined the church, I feel like they are so solid and so true that I can't turn away nor would I try to. I love this! I love that I finally took some type of control of my decisions and now if someone flips on me because they think it was the wrong one, I will not second guess it, because to me it was right. I feel kinda free. I say kinda because until I am out of Provo and I don't have to watch my back anymore, I will not feel truly free. But, that is soon!! Very soon actually! I am moving to Cedar City in about 3 weeks or so, and I will be staying with a good friend of mine's niece. It will be nice to finally break free of a few chains. 


It is time for another chapter in my life, and for the first time in a LONG time I am ready to take life by the horns. It will be a good ride, and I am excited for the events that lie ahead of me. It will be good to breathe deep again- and this time red sand cliffs will be in my view. Cedar City won't know what hit them. :)

Credit: Rankin Studio (amazing work right?) (Oh and not Cedar City, but some other amazing place in Southern Utah)


xoxo

I am not dead..

I want to lay out my story, because it is something that has been weighing on my heart the past couple of weeks.

Growing up, I was a normal size kid (In today's society) I was a little bigger than my friends but not by much. By the time 10th grade rolled around, I was cheerleading and I was the second biggest one on the squad but I was not big by no means. My senior year is when I started gaining. I jumped from 160 to 230 in a matter of about 8 months. I had NO idea what was going on, but even then I didnt consider myself fat. I held my weight well, and at 5'6'' I felt like yeah I could lose some, but I would rather have that extra sandwich, or 3 glasses of sugared ice tea (for all of those who know I am LDS, I am a convert- thus Tea is no more ;))

I never looked at myself as fat, I just saw me. A girl, yes bigger than some, but pretty, successful, and loved by an amazing guy. I look back now and realize what a jerk he was. He hooked me up with a medical weight loss clinic during my senior year, and told me he didnt want to be with someone who let themselves go. I wasnt letting myself go, I still got ready and dolled up every day, I just didnt eat right, so what? I am from the south, I dont know anyone now that works out as much as I do. Anyway.. he cheated on me all the time and so we split up when I was 19. Then at 22 I got married to an amazing man.. yes I still say he is amazing even though we divorced. (Religious differences- so he left me) whatever.. and he never said a word about my weight. He was overweight himself, but not obese. I, on the other hand was now tipping towards 300 pounds. My best friend was close to the same size as I was and so even then I still did not see myself as fat. I was happy, and I didnt care what anyone said.

My health started deterating during my marriage (Between 2008-2010). I developed PCOS when I was 16 and it had gotten worse. (we found out because we were trying to have a baby) and my blood pressure was not the greatest. I found out that I was borderline Type 2 Diabetes and insulin resistant. My gallbladder started messing up also the year we got married and I stayed sick until last year when they finally removed it. Last year I was diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apnea and I was sufforcating on a Bi-Pap machine for a few months. When I moved to Utah in November 2010 and I was getting over my divorce, and a huge change in climate, culture and the like, I decided to start dating again.

It was horriffic. I was called fat by at least 2 guys to my face that I was interested in, and most guys wouldnt look at me. Now I want to explain the area I live in. I live in Mormon-ville, AKA: The Bubble, Happy Valley.. or better known as Provo, Utah. Utah Mormons are very focused on perfection. It boggles my mind honestly, just because of how our beliefs are, but anyway... So I couldnt get a decent guy to look at me to save my life. It made me feel awful.. so I started looking at myself in the mirror trying to figure out what could I do to make this better on me. I had researched the surgery when my ex and I were married but I put it on the back burner because I didnt want to do something to limit the things I loved so much.

So the surgery was brought back up, and I found a surgeon. I remember thinking: I hate myself so much. I am so UGLY. No one will ever want me. Forget the health problems I have; PCOS, Sleep Apnea, 70% risk of Breast cancer and ovarian cancer, and high risk of liver cancer (due to family history). I will take the health risks if I could just find someone decent and who loves me here. It is hard in Utah- dont ever let anyone tell you differently. There are marathons monthly, more health food stores, running stores, gyms personal trainers, weight loss centers, plastic surgeons, dentists (who specialize in perfecting your smile and making it bright enough to light the city) than anywhere I have ever lived before. I knew it was different but I wasnt expecting so much to be up against a fat gril from Alabama.

So, I found a surgeon like I said. He is absolutely amazing and his staff make you feel so at home. I still talk to his nurse on a weekly basis. And I decided, this fat girl has to die- I want a skinny girl reborn, someone that people want to get to know, someone that people can talk to and guys will want to take out on a date. That is all I wanted. That is all I thought about. The night before my surgery I was praying, and crying.. and I remember in my prayers asking my father in heaven to please help me to understand why I am doing the surgery- and what my real reason was. It recently hit me that it was not so much the heath concerns, but the way guys treated me here in Utah that pushed me over the edge enough to get the surgery.

So now I am just under 4 months out, and I have lost a total of 100 pounds since I moved to Utah. I get quite a bit of attention from guys here now, which is fun but strange. It is an adjustment. But I found myself looking at old pictures the other day and saying, I was so ugly, I was so fat, I will never be that again, I will never let myself go like that, no wonder no one wanted me...

I am acting like the old Jenna died and this new person came about, which in a sense is true- however.. I am still Jenna just smaller. I still cuss like a sailor, love more than most, forgive hurtful words quicker than anyone I know, I am still a legal student, and beloved daughter of my Father in Heaven.  The old Jenna did not die. I am too hard on my old self. I am mean to the old me.. I am mean like everyone else was when I actually was that size. I am hateful and hurtful to the old me. I would have been so broken down at that point if someone said the things about me (Which they did..) that I have said about myself.

We are too hard on our old selves!!! And I know I need to stop. My best friend saw a picture the other day of me around the time I met her, and she said, "I dont recognize that girl.. that is NOT my best friend.. I dont know who that is." I just took it, but I realized that the fat girl in the picture is the same person that was standing next to her.. and it hurt. I felt like I needed to stand up for the old me because I was happy!!! What drove me over the edge was nothing more than selfish jerks that want nothing more than perfection. No one is perfect in this life.. not the big girl I once was, and not the smaller girl I am now. I am protective over the fat girl in the pictures. I am protective because that is a part of me that will never quite go away- nor do I want it to. I know that the second the old Jenna is completely gone, that I will lose my idenity. No, I will not make the mistakes I made before to cause obesity, I will strive every day to live heathy and to be happy in my health- but never under any circumstances will I come down hard on myself for letting go of my heath and my life before. I know it was not good, but it has been fixed and now it is time to move on.

We need to quit calling ourselves fat, ugly, or poking fun at the old "us". For example, my baby sister is a bigger girl, and if anyone ever poked fun at her or said the things about her that I would say about my "old" self, I would probably tear them apart. Its not fair to them, it is not fair to us! No matter our size we need to start loving ourselves, and appreciating the lives that the creator of it all gave to us. It is a blessing, a gift- so yes we need to take care of it, but never beat yourself up for the person you was. Become healthy, but never talk bad about your old self. It makes me sad to think about how I talked about the old me... like a protective big sister, I am protecting the old me. She is not dead, she is the same- just healthy.

I guess what I am trying to say is never regret something that once made you happy. Not saying you were happy being bigger, but there were things in your life (as goes for all of us) that made you happy when you were bigger. It was a bump in the road and now it is over. Move on, but never forget who you were.

2 Years. 100 pounds. Roll Tide.

So much has happened lately!! Where do I begin? Well for starters, yesterday, June 6th 2012 was my two year membership date in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! Time sure flies! I can't believe that it has been 2 years already. So much has happened. I lost everything, moved to Utah, gained everything and now I am happy and content with my life. I mean obviously there are things that I wish would change... like getting a job. Yeah I really need one of those. :) Yesterday I also jumped off of my 3 week plateau for weight loss. I have officially lost 100 pounds since moving to Utah. My clothes fall off of me, so to Plato's Closet I go- wardrobe in hand.

 The only thing that didn't change too much are my shoes. I lied. Those changed too. Have you SAW my 5 inch heels??! No? Okay let me show you...

Yeah.. excuse my language but they are bad ass.


Anyway.. So my move to Logan, Utah is coming up very soon. I am pretty excited about it to be honest! It is going to be good. The only thing that kind of sucks is the fact that my friends are here. It makes me sad to be so far from them, however it is not like they are a million miles away and I FULLY plan on hanging out a bit through out the semester. I really need to focus on my studies- and as far as the summer semester goes I need straight A's. So over the past couple of days I busted out a 5 page paper that I will be turning in today. Success!!!


Oh I started crocheting again. Mariah asked me to crochet a pair of earrings for her boyfriends mom for a birthday gift.. and this is my finished product. :)

I am going home in August! August 11th to be exact! ROLL TIDE! I am so excited to see my friends and family before the semester starts- it is going to work out so well! It is going to be strange to be back home.. last time I was there I had no friends.. well I had like 2. My husband had just left me and I had lost nearly everything. I can't not wait to see the members of the Cullman Ward!!! They are all so amazing! So I worked it out that I will have two sundays there, so I will get to visit with everyone. It will be a nice breath of fresh air before I go back to Utah State in the Fall.


Classes start August 27th.. I don't know if I am prepared! lol.. it will be so good though! Oh yeah, just to point out, we all know how much I love the gym, well now my love has extended. My heart has been taken by Zumba. Yeah. Pretty much the best thing ever. I am telling you right now, I better have a good Zumba instructor in Logan or I will be driving to Orem 3 days a week. HAHAHA! Just kidding.. who has the money for that honestly.


Anyway, I am going to get ready for class- but I just wanted to post a little update. :)


xoxo

Life is NEVER easy.

Life is never easy. And those who think it is, have never truly lived.

I am moving from Provo to Logan, Utah. I am excited about my move but there are things.. or rather people here in Provo that are making me want to stay. My best friend for one. I am going to miss her, my fear is that the people I am close to will forget about me, find a new friend and move on. I mean, that is how the world works. It has always been like that. I made the decision to move because I wanted to get a new start. Meet people who never knew the "big" Jenna. They only know the normal size Jenna.. the active Jenna.. and who knows, maybe I would meet someone in the process. Get married.. have that life. There have been a couple of opportunities lately that I wanted to peruse, but my move is making that VERY difficult. Moving to Logan, so far from everyone is changing everything. I have asked myself why I made that decision.. and it wasn't so much me, but my father in heaven. I received a prompting to go, to get out of Provo. So I have the summer to finish up here with work and school. It should be interesting. I have a feeling I am going to be pretty busy. 


My heart is telling me one thing but my head is telling me another. I don't know what to do. So I was told, "Let's just have fun this summer.." So that is what I am going to do. My last summer in Provo, and then on to Logan I go. I have a friend that will be going on a mission soon. I am so sad about it! It breaks my heart that I will not see him for two years. SO much can happen in two years, and neither he or I will be the same person when he comes home. But I plan on writing him as much as he wants me to. Every week, every 2 weeks, every month. Whatever he wants, I want to keep constant contact. He is the closest person I have been to, that is going on a mission now. I have had friends go, but nothing like this. So I am sad. But you know, serving the lord comes first- and I am so proud that he made that decision to go. It is a big sacrifice. But he is not going for about a year anyway.. maybe a little less. He does not want me going to Logan. That was such a hard thing to hear, because it makes me not want to go- at least until he leaves for his mission.. :( I am not going to think about all of the sad things this summer, it is all about having fun, getting to know people, and sometimes there is a cherry on top.


I started at Book X Change in Orem two weeks ago, and I really love it there. It was super chill until finals- we have been pretty slammed and I see it only getting worse. So I have been on my feet a lot the past couple of days. My back is killing me with the amount of books I am carrying. My co workers are "rawr"-ing at me as well.. Oh me. Then they laugh.. it has been an interesting week to say the least. 


I posted this on Facebook last night.. just to give you of what a normal day with my best friend is:


"What Mariah has done tonight: Talked in a low voice with a lisp, gnawed on Melanie's face as if she didn't have teeth, pointed at us with her toes, laughed in the hallway and I thought she peed on herself... it was just drool though, laughed hysterically at air (she is still doing that), tried to mimic a crazy persons face and walk in the hallway while staring at me in my bedroom.. although she was laughing too hard by this point to even complete that task, went into the bathroom, said "Damn it!" really loud.. then came in my room and tried to personally take out my hair extensions, fell on top of me trying to grab my hair, rubbed her face on my shoulder like a cat, directed the nutella jar with a butter knife, started eating Nutella..figured she couldn't get anymore Nutella with the butter knife so she attempted to lick the jar, when that didn't work she asked for a pair of scissors, then asked Melanie if she wanted any HAHAHAHA hit me in the shoulder with her pony tail/bun and then said "Hey! She's not the devil Momma!".. oh and last but not least.. tried to dry her arm pits with her flailing hands. dear lord.


Mariah: "Thats awesome. I would like to reward you with 5 minutes of uninterrupted eye contact..." then proceeds to stare at me."


Yep. HAHAHA. It has been very interesting living with her. I love it, and I am really sad to leave. I mean how many fun nights like that can I have? But then I thought, I really need to finish school so, not having my closest friends around except when I come down on the weekends might not be a bad idea. That will give me a chance to finish up as quickly as I can. I will be taking some semesters off, every two. Just because my Pell and Loans will only pay for 2 a year, not 3. So the Summers I will take off, and go in the Fall and Spring, and finish at Utah State University. I will be an AGGIE!!! I really do love that school. I am excited to start there. 


Oh quick update.. as you can see I have lost a lot... but the big number is that I have lost 86 pounds since I moved here. YAY!


Anyway, that is as much of an update as I can give for time being. Until next time.


xoxo

Old Feelings, New Places.

I know most of you who follow my blog know about the guy who stole someones pictures of a man and his daughter, told everyone it was him and his daughter. Told countless girls that he was a widower and active LDS. He told so many details... so many lies. Every morning about 6 am he would call me to wake me up... he would tell me how beautiful I was, and how excited he and "Sadie" were to meet me. He made all of these plans with me.. he led me on for two weeks. The morning that he finally told me the truth my world crashed. I cried for hours.. days. For someone to use someone else's life to lure girls in just for their own self satisfaction is not just wrong but it is damaging. As time went on, I thought very little of "Clark", who's name is actually Isaac, and his little girl "Sadie".  Last night I found out that not only was the man in the pictures a good friend of a girl friend of mine, but his little girl is actually "Sadie".  My friend messaged him on Facebook and explained everything that happened, gave him links, phone numbers, pictures and every detail of how his identity was basically being stolen. I was so happy that the real guy in the pictures finally knew what was going on.. I left her house last night feeling off though. Today has been a particularly rough day with pain and what not, but not only that, I can't get the pictures off of my mind. To be honest, I am jealous of his wife's life. I think honestly that is what it boils down to. That is the life that I want so badly. Just to be happy with someone, with a family. That is all I have ever wanted. 


So this guy Isaac is sick in the head, and I hope he pays for what he has done to not only the family he stole pictures from, but myself and other girls of the like. It is so sad that someone can use your own heart against you. I moved to Utah to get out of whatever life I was in, but honestly I have never been treated like I have been treated here. I have never had a guy disrespect me  as much as I have been disrespected here by multiple guys. They get into your head, talk down to you, and the saddest part of it all is that they gain your trust by using the Gospel as a crutch. I was warned about Provo, but I was naive and I didn't listen.... it is time to start listening. So I am moving. I am applying to two different colleges: Utah State University in Logan, Utah, and Southern Utah University in Cedar City. I am seeing which one I get accepted to, and then that is where I will go. I know Logan gets colder in the winter and is a really nice area, and I also have a friend and his wife that live there that can kinda show me around.. (hopefully), but living expenses are more there. Then in Cedar City, it is easier to get into the college, living expenses are cheaper but I do not know anyone that lives there right now. The friends I did have moved to Pennsylvania so it would be me starting over, yet again. I could rent a U-Haul and load all of my stuff up and make the 3 hour drive down there and just make it work. 


All I want is happiness. I want a husband and a family. Finding it in Provo is not going to happen. So it is time to leave. A year and a half later, and I am giving up in this area. I think a smaller town will be better for me anyway, I am from a small town so I should be able to adjust pretty well. My mind is made up that in the fall I am leaving, but the direction is still up in the air. 


I started at a bookstore that works with UVU, and right now I am working 30-40 hours a week which is nice. I do have an interview at Maurices tomorrow at 3, just to see what kind of pay they would offer me and it is an assistant manager position. So we will see what happens. I really like the book store to be honest, but I don't know what is going to happen. I think I am going to the Temple tonight with my friend Jaelynn so I will pray about what I should do while I am there. Anyway..  I have a lot of decisions to make lately and I really need the help from my Heavenly Father, and the support from my friends and family about my decisions. Putting everyone's more selfish feelings of wanting me to stay (I am the same way when friends move away) but I have to do this for me or I will never grow. I have been at a standstill for about a year, and now that my surgery is out of the way, as long as I can deal with the pain in my leg I should do just fine. Wish me luck!!!


xoxo